1977-10-29 - Dartmouth
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen: in pre-game competition, the Columbia Band defeated the Dartmouth band to make it's season's record 7-0 and 5-0 in Ivy League competition.
(Pause)
(ooze) Now that you've sat through the first half of the game and that interminably long half-time show by the Dartmouth band, you're probably beginning to feel slight pangs of hunger. While we cannot vouch for the fare offered here at Baker Field, we would like to help you get through 'til dinner... and so for your vicarious enjoyment we present...
THE COLUMBIA UNIVERSITY INCREDIBLE MUNCHIES MARCHING BAND -- Mimi Sheraton head manager, James Beard Drum Major, and Julia Child featured twirler... with the Jewish Mothers' chorus singing that old favorite, "Eat, Eat..." in a tribute to the glorious gastronomic galaxy of FAST FOOD.
[Play "Play Favorite Things", Form Burger]
I:
Most cultures have hallowed traditions in food preparation. One of the oldest in the Anglo-American society dates from Medieval times, when some kind soul took pity on doers-of-chivalrous-deeds riding by on their spirited mounts, and opened the first all-night (electric elbows) eatery in his white castle. While costumed knights no longer travel the high roads, a costumed purveyor of victuals named Ronald has continued the tradition of offering fast eats to travelers on the highways. Now that we've shown that the traditions of costumes, travelers, and eats have been continued, you may be expecting us to tell how those steeds of old fit in. Well, we're just going to leave that to your imagination.
[Play "The Old Grey Mare", Form KFC)
II:
Running a close second in the fast food sweepstakes, is the Colonel. Egged on by his pied competition he has vowed that he won't be chicken in his bid to rule the fast food roost. The Colonel's recipe boasts 17 secret ingredients (so secret even your Deep Throat won't tell you what they are). But even the closest kept secrets have a way of leaking, and the band has heard some rather persistant rumors concerning one special ingredient that the folks at KFC would rather we didn't know of... As the Colonel says, "Y' nevah know what's gonna wander into those vats."
[Play "Three Blind Mice", Reform RAT, Form Smile)
III:
Not all fast food comes from ready-to-eat emporia. As any late-studying College student will tell you, there are times when you need something NOW! So you look in your larder, and all you find is a carton of those beautifully satisfying, delicious, easy-to-chew, sugar-laden goodies known as Twinkies, from the kitchens of ITT. They sure hit the spot, when you need them. And they do good things for you, too -- just think of the good things ITT did for Chile! So, if you just keep stuffing them into your hungry little mouth, you'll soon be singing along with us...
[Play "All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth", Form Speedy Alka-Seltzer)
IV:
We hope you've enjoyed your perusal of our menu, and that we've whetted your appetite for all the marvels of the American fast-food market place that are awaiting your pleasure. But, when you've had your fill, your stomach moaning, your intestines groaning, and you feel you're about to join Arthur Treacher in his Fish & Chips stand in the sky, there's still hope... Two little tablets crash into a glass and explode in a burst of relief.
[Play "Plop-Plop Fizz-Fizz", Form C)
ALMA MATER:
If you're not too nauseous from that show... please stand and join us in singing the Columbia College Alma Mater.
"What if tomorrow bring,
Fast Food or anything
Other than joy..."