1985-09-21 - Harvard

Pregame

Ladies and Gentlemen, tha Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching 5000.

J. Brian Cohen Head Manager
J. Leo J. Koonmen Marching Band Manager
J. Cathy Webster, Nubile Drum Majorette

And featuring tuition on the rise, Rockefeller Center on the Common Market, and Carol Bellamy on the road to the unemployment office, welcomes itself back to beautiful, prefabricated, unilateral, eleemosinary, refurbished-but-still-iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure that the Lions will beat the Crimson, and that the score will be as one-sided as the stadium.

[Band marches out to Who Owns New York]

Today's game will be the first for the Lions' new head coach, Jim Garrett. Garrett, who succeeds Bob Naso on the sldelines, brings w1th him a wealth of experience coaching at both the coliegiate and professional levels. His high degree of competence and expertise gives the team new hope for a successfull season, and makes us CERTAIN that Columbia's new coach will not turn out to be a Post-Naso Drip. In honor of the new boss of our football team, the band now form a football, and plays "Hail to the Chief."

[Band forms a football, plays "Hail to the Chief"]

[Band then forms a grid]

Ladies and Gentlemen, would you please rise for our national anthem.

[Band Plays National Anthem]

Halftime

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Greediest Band in the World, the Columbia-University-Public Broadcaststing Service Pledge-Driving Band.

J. Robert J. Lurtzema Pitchman
J. Lawrence Grossman No longer at this address
J. Julia Child Comic relief

welcomes you all back to another exciting season of educational Saturday-afternoon broadcasts of Ivy League Football on Public Television.

[Band marches out to "Pennies from Heaven"]

Because Ivy League games have only recently been televised, fans are still getting used to certain phenomena which are considered commonplace at Big East schools. These phenomena include time-outs for station identification, camera crews blocking the view of key plays, and announcers who insist on talking during the Band's halftime show. Nevertheless, the fact that our games are carried by PBS has led to one truly unique developement:

{Band takes out phone headsets and pretends to receive calls; background tape plays sound of ringing phones}

That's right, the pledge break.

Don't worry we'll continue with halftime in just a few minutes. However,we've only received 27 calls, which is far short of our goal of 75. Remember, for a pledge of $25 or more, you will receive a band tote bag, so call (212) 28O-4966, and make your tal-deductible contribution NOW!! In tribute to this time-honored and very subtle fund-raising technique the band now forms a telephone and plays "Big Spender."

[I think you can figure out what the band does at this point.]

Over the Summer, it was announced that the famous John Jay pub would not re-open this yeaar. The reasons given were: the higher drinking age, competition from the 'Plex, and noise complaints from the rats in John Jay. Duncan Bond-Nelson, diractor of dining services, expected no serious reprecussions, noting" I don't expect anyone to have any F.I.T.'s over this. In honor of another lost tradition at Columbia, the band now plays "Taps". {Pause} Get it? However, since we've been told never to play Taps at a football game, we will instead play for the 2,765th consecutive performance,"I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In".

[Form Beer Mug and play Knocking]

On a mare serious note, Irwin D. Maudel, Professor of Dentistry, has been awarded the Gold Medal Award for Excellence in Dental Research, dentistry's equivalent of the NobelPrize. When asked to comment on his award, Dr. Mandel said, "I'm at a FLOSS for words. I had been a little DOWN IN THE MOUTH lately, but my colleagues kept ROOTing for me. I'm Just glad I was PICKED". Professor Mandel, who considers this the CROWNing achievement of his career, is now at the CREST of his profession. As he BRACES himself for the onslaught of publicity and prize money, Dr. Mandel has put a lawyer on RETAINER. Asked to comment further, he stated that he was ENAMELLED of his award, which will consist of $25,000 and a PLACQUE. When asked what else he hoped for, Mandel replied, "All I Want for Christmas is my Ttllo Front Teeth".

[Band forms a tooth and plays "All I Want... "]

Would you now please rise as the band plays the Columbia College Alma Mater, Sans Souci.

[Band forms a C (not a staple) and plays "sans Souci"]