1987-09-19 - Harvard
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, back despite popular demand, the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching 5000
J. Jackie Monaco Head Manager
J. Liz Pleshette Quasi-Nubile Marching Band Managerette
and
J. Cathy Small, Quasi-small Drum Majorette
And featuring tuition on the rise, promiscuity on the decline, and the editorial staff of the Federalist Paper appearing before congressional hearings, welcomes itself back to beautiful, prefabricated, bilateral, complete, refurbished-but-still-iconoclastic Lawrence A. We in Stadium at Baker Field where we're sure the Lions will show up...Harvard, and the score will be too high for the Harvard football team to count.
1987 marks 200 years since King's College changed its name to Columbia, after briefly considering such other names as Irving, Fido, the Sex Pistols, diet Cherry Coke, plastic asparagus, and Ba la la la la Bamba. Amazingly, this year also contains several other major anniversaries, including: .
60 years since the original Baker Field was built
59 years since the first plan to rebuild Baker Field
50 years since Literature Humanities became part of the Core
20 years since President Sovern last got a haircut, or needed one
10 years since Dean Pollack last shaved
69 years since the Red Sox won the World series
3 years since Columbia won a football game
5 years since 1982
and 10 years since Elvis died.
To celebrate these important anniversaries, the band now forms 200 Elvis impersonators and plays Stand Up and Cheer.
[Stand Up and Cheer]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlmen, back despite popular demand, the Columbia University marching beach party: Annette Funicello, chief mouseketeer; Frankie Avalon, Big Cahoona; Pee Wee Herman as himself. And featuring Valley Girls totally forgotten fer sure, surfers in the tube, and California still on the West Coast, presents a musical tribute to the summer of '87.
[Band marches out to Who Owns]
Unbenownst to Shirley Maclaine, this summer's harmonic convergence has been having an effect on the world today, as evidenced by...the Grateful Dead breaking-into the Top 10, Delta passengers arriving home safely, the Iran-Contra hearings coming to an end, Ronald Reagan remembering his name, and the Columbia football team verging on its first victory in three years. This gives us great hope that, in the future: Massachusetts will have more running for it than Michael Dukakis, the Red Sox will win a World Series, Harvard will get a real marching band, and Columbia will be voted the #1 worst landlord in THE NATION by the Village Voice. In ceremonial tribute to all tenants living, or formerly living, in Columbia-owned buildings, the band now plays for the 6,969th consecutive performance, YOU HEAR US KNOCKING, NOW GET THE HELL OUT!
[Band forms a door]
Hello, I'm Robin Leach, I don't know why. Welcome to Lifestyles of the Corrupt and Up-for-Nomination. In celebration of this summer's corruption, Lifestyles salutes judicial hopeful Robert Bork, I don't know why. This flamboyant judicial playboy has come to a Bork in the road of a legal career so illustrious that he has been appointed executor of the will of Lorne Green, who recently died at the age of 72, that's 504 for you and me. Many of this bigwig's judicial colleagues feel this nominee speaks with a Borked tongue. I don't know why. The band now forms a rotisserie in hopes that the upcoming Bork roast will be WELL DONE, and liberals around the country will finally get some SATISFACTION.
[Band forms a rotisserie]
In other news, President Reagan had more skin removed from his nose this summer. He said it was skin cancer, but we suspect that, like Pinocchio, it grows every time he tells a lie. Anyway, doctors stressed that the surgery did not affect the President's physical or mental condition -unfortunately. Yes, Mr. Reagan -still has the body of a 50 year old, and the mind of a 5 year old. Meanwhile, Lt. Col. Oliver North announced plans to join Columbia's football staff, stating under oath that, "The Lions have a better chance of winning than the Contras." To celebrate the Constitution's 200th anniversary, the band now forms a document being shredded and plays the theme of the Reagan Administration.
[Band plays Mickey Mouse theme.]
This summer the headlines of Cambridge tabloids exploded with the story of one of Harvard's finest who was creatively financing his education in the great Harvard tradition of hard work, honesty, and good marks...manship. It was revealed that this gun-ho student had been committing armed robbery while vacationing in his native Los Angeles. A battery of heavy questioning triggered this response: "I was really aiming for Columbia, but if was shot down by admissions who said 'take a powder!'" Ah well, just a typical Hahvahd fell-on. The band now bites the bullet and plays "You Can't Get a Man with a Gun."
[Band forms gun with miskies firin-g out.]
Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please rise for the Columbia Alma Mater, Sans Souci.
[Band forms a C.]