1988-09-13 - Harvard
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite popular demand, the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching (random #) [fanfare]
J. Christian Porwall --- head manager
J. Liz Pleshette --- marching band manager
J. Adam Grais --- drum head
[fanfare]
and featuring tuition on the rise, state taxes on the rise, Harvard on the run, and Quayle beating around the Bush, welcomes itself back to venerable, ventilated, and venomous Soldier Stadium where today we'll see the Crimson's worst nightmare come true and the score will be as one-sided as a Bay-state election.
[Band marches out to Who Owns NY]
The Columbia Band wishes to offer its condolences to all of the new students who arrived at Harvard this week. As a public service announcement we will now let you in on what's in store for you freshmen over the next four years. Watching Love Story eight thousand times, watching the Harvard football team lose to Columbia four times, watching MIT students get into all the good grad schools, five-hour train ride to the site of contemporary civilization (already a given for Columbia students), four years of a Yalie in the White House, and four years of trying to figure out just what a crimson is! To salute every Harvard student's never-ending quest to get a clue, the Band now forms its findings and plays Mission Impossible.
[Band forms ? and plays this]
Run Away!!!!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Harvard students, back despite popular sensibilities, the Columbia University Marching Musicians, A.K.A. the most televised band in the world . . .
J. Derek Bok --- Head Bureaucrat
J. Kenneth Galbraith --- Head Snob
J. Stephen J. Gould --- Jay Walker
J. J. J. Walker --- Dy-NO-mite Has-been
presents a musical tribute to Harvard, one of the nation's ...universities.
[Band marches out to Who Owns NY]
Current standings not withstanding, it looks like one more year without a World Series title for the Boston Red Sox. (Cough, Cough) On the other hand, New York's own Mets look ready to wrap up another championship in the league run by former Yale presid ent A. Bartlett Giamatti. Harvard's president Derek Bok, however, has been unable to find a job that pulls any weight and is still struggling in the middle of nowhere New England with his brothers Red AuerBOK, ReBOK, Johann Sebastian BOK, and Daniel Quay le BOK BOK. Sympathetic to poor Derek's predicament, the Band now forms a map of the Boston/Cambridge area in which he is trapped, featuring all major roadways, rivers, lakes, points of entry, and most importantly points of exit and plays for the 8,786th consecutive time I Hear You BOKing, but You Can't Come In.
[Band does this]
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts has long been a bastion of free-thinking, liberal-mindedness, and democracy, a tradition which extends all of the way back to the Salem witch trials. Recently, politics have once again raised a stink in Beantown as in t his election year candidates have been pointing fingers at the black mayonnaise lingering in Boston Harbor. No less a personage than Teddy Kennedy himself was intoxicated with the idea of cleaning up the harbor and became all revved up, volunteering to personally drive the platform home, but the idea was soon drowned in a sea of controversy. The Band, however, feels that this whole affair is simply water under the bridge. So fasten your seat belts everyone as the Band now forms a car going over a bridge and in honor of Ted and his sludge plays Bridge Over Troubled Water.
[Band does this (with car driving off bridge)]
Recent polls have shown that Harvard's own, Gov. Michael Dukakis, at once the biggest and the smallest man in the news today has demonstrated himself to be a true Massachusetts politician by taking a plunge. In his home state, however, there has been a demonstration of greater support. While only 25% of the state's population really wants to see him in the White House, 75% definitely wants to see him out of Massachusetts. In honor of the Duke's shifting fortunes, the Band now forms his most prominent political attributes --- a long, extended eyebrow and a nose --- and plays the theme song of this year's Democratic national campaign, (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[Band does this.]
Please rise for the Columbia alma mater, Sans Souci.