1988-09-24 - Lafayette
Pre-Game
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching (random #)
J. Christian Porwall --- head headbanger
J. Liz Pleshette --- head head cheese
J. Adam Grais --- head drum head
J. Morton Downey, jr. --- head swollen head
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, elimosinary yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wein Stadium where we're sure the Lions will domesticate the Leopards and the score will be as one-sided as the stadium once was.
[Band Plays Who Owns]
The Band welcomes everyone to the opening day festivities here at the fifth Columbian Games at Baker Field. Since football is not an exhibition sport inthe Olympics this year, Columbia has been forced to hold its own games here. Realizing, nonetheless, that the eyes of the world are still not exactly focused on us, the band salutes the four Columbia fencers competing for the United States in Seoul. Unable to obtain visas in time to make the trip ourselves, the band now pays tribute by forming the Olympic rings and playing the theme of the Olympic Games.
[Band does this]
Ladies and Gentlemen please rise for our national anthem.
[Band plays the national anthem ]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen and Lafayette fans, back despite the Harvard police force, the Columbia University Marching Athletic Supporters
J. Morris --- finicky cat
J. Garfield --- fat cat
J. Fritz --- "bleep!" (censored)
J. Bill the cat --- "ack"
presents a musical tribute to Saturday, September 24, 1988, a day that shall live in infamy, whoops, wrong day again George.
[Band marches out to Who Owns]
Welcome to the midaway point of this cat fight between the Lions and the Leopards. While many people believe that the Lions have been taking a cat nap these past four years, the band believes that this is a cat-astrophic mistake. We would like to cat-nip this misconception in the the bud. Although they have seemed cat-atonic at times, we believe that this is still a very kit for kat attitude. We're sure the Lions will not need all of their nine lives to cat-apult their way to victory. Will todays game prove to be the cat-alyst they need to claw their way to the top? When the final score is tabby-lated, will the Lions land on their feet? Will there be a litter of Leopards to sweep under the Persian rug? Will the Lion's be the cat's meow? Looking forward to a purr-fect victory the band now forms a cat's head (with whiskers) and, after a brief paws, plays The Pink Panther.
[Band does this.]
Hurricane Gilbert finally washed up on the shores of Texas this week causing quite a storm in the South as he drowned out the local tourist industry. If meteorologists are correct, Gilbert will next surface in the Midwest, most likely in Iowa, a state that has not seen that much hot air since da caucus (Dukakis) earlier this year. The band predicts that the big blow hard will next touch down in California, making waves and bringing attention to a state whose merits have long been blown out of proportion. In honor of Hurricane Gilbert and all the events that will eventully bring true fame to California, the band now forms that state sliding into the ocean and plays for the 8,239th consecutive time I Hear You Knocking, but You Can't Fall In.
[Band does this.]
With all of the destruction he has caused, Gilbert has established a reputation as a deadly force to be reckoned with, a whirling derbish who knocks over anyone and anything in his way. So when head football coach Larry McElreavy got wind of this news, he took time out of his busy schedule this past week to fly down to Texas to try to recruit this young, powerful phenom. Planning to tempt Gilbert with stories about Columbia and New York, Mac figured it would be a breeze to get Gilbert to sign the dotted line and transfer here next fall, just in time to storm through the Ivy League during the football season. Gilbert's grades were great and he had simply tore the roof off of the SAT's. Alas, the two didn't seem to get along all that well together prompting Gilbert to finally say, "Look, we just don't talk the same language. You say tornados, I say tornados ... Let's just call the whole thing off." Returning empty handed and disappointed, the coach conceded, "I really just didn't like the kid's attitude. If only we could cy-clone a couple of others like him, we could easily Wipeout the opposition every week."
[Band plays Wipeout]
Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the Columbia Alma Mater.
[Band forms C and plays Sans Souci]