1988-10-01 - Penn
Pre-Game
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching (random #), [fanfare] welcomes itself back to urbane, cultured, diverse but still boring Philadelphia at Franklin Field, where we're sure the Lions will show up ... t he Quakers, and the score will be as low as a Penn senior's LSAT scores... [fanfare]
J. Christian Porwall --- Head Manager
J. Liz Pleshette --- Nubile Marching Band Managerette
J. Adam J. Grais --- Defensive Drum Major
J. Bobby Ojeda --- Green Thumb
[Band Plays Who Owns NY]
Former Red Sox pitcher and now Met Bobby Ojeda decided to get back at his Boston teammates last week by giving them the finger. Caught red handed in a bizarre gardening accident the left-hander cried out in sheer agony, "I've lost my touch." Then, on the spurt of the moment, he was rushed to the hospital to avert any further cut-astrophe. Las Vegas odds makers are now hedging their bets on the series.Meanwhile, Bobby Ojeda sits at home awaiting his cut of severance pay, reported to be in the four and a half digit range. The Band now forms Ojeda's finger and plays, the theme of those fun loving finger puppets from The Muppet Show.
[Band forms finger and plays The Muppet Show Theme]
Band Runs Away!!!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen and Penn students, the Most Observant Band in the World, the Yeshiva University Marching 5,749 presents a musical tribute to the University of Pennsylvania and Philadelphia, a city on the MOVE.
J. Dr. J. --- Has-been
J. Rocky Balboa --- Duh
J. Bob Euker --- Penn Alumnus
J. W.C. Fields --- Chaiman of the Chamber of Commerce
[Band Marches Out to Who Owns NY]
Recently, it seems Philadelphia's Mayor Wilson B. Goode, no relation to Johnny B. Goode, has decided to wage a war on drugs. We in the Band are glad that someone is finally addressing this issue, one that is as old as the crack in the Liberty Bell. Two h undred years ago, men in white powdered wigs hit on a great idea and hashed out the lines of the Constitution, after which a joint session of Congress was soon held. Many believe that they were inspired by their success with the Declaration of Indopenden ce. Boy, are we glad they didn't blow it. Although a number of delegates originally thought it was a pipe dream, they were soon weeded out and forced to leave the Keystoned State. Those who remained went on to draft the document upon which the free-base- is of our society is planted, proving to be a shot in the arm for democracy everywhere. To this day, freedom still rings from the Liberty Bell --- bong, bong, bong! Needle we say more? Realizing that this vile city is now going to pot, and that this joke smacks of lude suggestions and is going up in smoke, the band now forms the Liberty Bell with crack included and plays Puff, the Magic Dragon.
[Band Forms Bell and Plays Puff, the Magic Dragon]
What do the Phillies infield and Michael Jackson have in common? They both wear one glove for no apparent reason. The Band was going to write a joke about the sports teams of Philadelphia, but, upon further inspection, we realized that it just wasn't necessary. Never wanting to rub salt in a wound, we ignore this obvious source of material and toast to the city in w hich the Phillies, Eagles, 76ers, and Flyers...well, uh, "play?" The band now forms a map of Philadelphia with all major roadways, rivers, lakes, landmarks, places of interest, ports of entry and especially points of exit and plays what every Penn studen t heard when he or she applied to Columbia ... We Hear You Knocking, but You Can't Come In.
[Band Amorphs and Plays Knocking]
Recently, it seems that former Penn provost Vartan Gregorian was appointed president of Brown, leaving Penn after being denied the Presidency here. The Trustee Committee told him that he didn't stand a snowball's chance in hell of getting the job, while the previous president told him he only stood a Gregorian chance. Later, when asked how he felt about the Penn presidency, he replied that it was better fit for a Hackney-ed (new Penn Pres.) old man anyway. Upon leaving Penn, Gregorian became president o f the New York Public Library, but he soon had to withdraw from this post after being hospitalized for poor circulation. After checking out of the hospital, he assumed his present position at Brown. When asked if he felt he could make Ivy League football competitive with schools in the Big Ten, he said, "The question isn't can we do it, but rather dewey decimal (d'small) system of colleges want to do it. The new president soon thereafter announced that he will implement a number of changes in the Brown "curriculum" including schedule changes to coincide with the Gregorian calendar. In honor of this inspired effort to change a "curriculum" that has all of the cards stacked against it, the band forms the Brown "curriculum" and plays Sweet Georgia Brown.
[Band Forms ? and Plays Sweet Georgia Brown]
Please rise for the Columbia Alma Mater: Sans Souci
[Band Forms C and Plays Sans Souci]
Run Away!!!