1988-10-22 - Bucknell
Pre-Game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Bucknell fans, the Cockiest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Athletic Supporters...
[fanfare]
J. Christian Porwall - Lighten Up!
J. Liz Pleshette - Still Winless
J. Adam J. Grais - Full In Defeat
J. Lorne Teitlebaum - Jerk!
[fanfare]
And featuring tuition on the rise, Western civilization on the decline, and Bucknell somewhere in between, the Band welcomes itself back to beautiful, ornate, non-temporary, re-goalposted, re-sodded, refurbished but still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien St adium at Baker Field where we are sure the Lions will make mince meat out of the Bison and the score will be as one-sided as the Vice-Presidential debate.
[Band marches in to Who Owns NY]
Many Haloween customs originated in that home of primitive rituals and pagan religions, New Jersey. The Jack O'Lantern, for example, is named after Jack Garrett, a Princeton student who was expelled after committing four fumbles in one game and condemne d to wander the Ivy League eternally in search of a school that will accept him. He can still be seen on dark autumn nights, trudging I-95 from Boston to Philadelphia with only a pumpkin to light his way. Princeton is also responsible for the orange and black colors of Halloween, and as for those ugly creatures who bang on your door and demand candy --- they're just ordinary Princeton graduates, showing the maturity and social skills that four years in old Nassau have given them. Wishing that we were pl aying Princeton again instead of Bucknell, so that this joke would make sense, the band forms a jack-o-lantern and plays Light My Fire.
[Band Does This]
Please rise for our national anthem.
[Band forms lines and plays The Star Spangled Banner]
Run Away!!!
Halftime
The Columbia Band when asked by a group of New Jersey alumni, "Don't you know what good clean fun is?" replied, "No what good is it." However the Band has seen the error of its ways and now recognizes the need for clean, moral half-time shows that will always Fall well with our audience. We agree with such notable personalities as William Moffet, Dean Lehecka, and the Wall Street Journal that the vulgar smut seen at most halftime shows is indeed Al Paul-ing. With this in mind, we proudly take an unprec edented step in the history of Ivy League marching bands and present a long overdue show with a theme that could appeal to everyone...
Ladies and Gentlemen presenting the Columbia University Marching Null Set.
General Disaray, Head Manager
Colonel Klink, Drum Major
and Private Donations, Greatly Appreciated
presents a musical salute to a subject that appeals to everyone: nothing.
[Band marches out to Who Owns NY]
This year, the Band has agreed to try to clean up its act. we are going to try not to offend, malign, or otherwise upset anyone... Unfortunately, this leaves us with nothing to do a show about. We had all sorts of wonderful ideas, but they all led to no thing, so now you have nothing to laugh about and the Band has got plenty of nothing.
[Band amorphs and plays I Got Plenty of Nothing]
The Band honestly believes that there is nothing in this week's script that could possibly be censored. Nothing distasteful, nothing dirty, nothing objectionable in any way. Nothing Dean Lehecka or Al Paul might say can stop us from exercising our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of nothing. We've got nothing to say, and, damn it, we're going to say it. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Nothing is real and nothing to get hung about. In keeping with the spirit of today's show, the Band forms nothing at all offensive. If you disagree just close your eyes as the Band plays Hogan's Zeros and remember the words of Sergeant Schultz, "I see nothing, nothing!"
[Band forms something and plays Hogan's Heroes]
You probably think you're sitting in the stands watching the band for nothing right now. However, since the opposing fans are nothing to look at and the Bucknell band is a no show, you have no alternative. In fact, the lack of opposing bands' half-time shows is all part of an insidious plan to insure that opposing teams receive nothing in the way of moral support this season. The Band now salutes the visiting stands and plays The Sounds of Silence.
[Band forms a null set and plays The Sounds of Silence]
Everyone knows that there is no such thing as a free lunch, especially at John Jay, where money may not be all that your lunch costs. But students at Columbia are accustomed to meeting high costs. For instance, the prices of Izods, sushi, Moet-Chandon ( that's an expensive champagne), and Koronet Pizza have all risen this year. But nothing is absolutely free... (pause) And just what is nothing? Nothing is what you have left when you've finished paying for your education.
[Band forms $ and plays Big Spender]
All this talk of nothing reminds us of the two presidential candidates this year. The Band has decided to endorse Nobody for President. Nobody will be a great leader. Nobody promises to lower your taxes and reduce unemployment. Nobody keeps his promises . In Congress, nobody has voted for nothing you wouldn't like. With Nobody as President, Nobody will tell you what to do. Each of his opponents has even admitted that Nobody is more qualified for the job. The Band supports Nobody, and the feeling is mutu al --- Nobody likes the Band. The Band now forms the Oval Office and takes this opportunity to remind you that Nobody Does It Better.
[Band forms oval and plays Nobody Does It Better]
With nothing left to say and no more real reason for another joke, the band now forms a door and for no apparent reason plays, for the no particular amount of times, I Hear You Knocking, but You Can't Come In.
[Band forms door and plays Knocking]
We hope we haven't wasted your time for nothing. Please rise now as the band plays the Columbia Alma Mater Sans Souci.
[Band forms C and plays Sans Souci]