1988-11-05 - Dartmouth
Pre-Game
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite the best efforts of the Princeton Band, the least "irresponsible, mean-spirited, cruel, and ugly" band in the world, the Columbia University Marching "civilizing" influence.
[fanfare]
J. Christian Porwall Poetry Writing Head Manager
J. Liz Pleshette Cello mastering Marching Band Manager
J. Adam J. Grais Mathematical Riddle Solving Drum Major
J. Joe Schwartz Catallus Translating Head of Security
[fanfare]
And featuring, Americans flocking to the voting boothes, (Sheep pun), amd Dartmouth College tucked away on the baaaack pages of the New York Times, welcomes itself to cold, remote, hungover, desolate, boring, yet still --- well, one keeps coming back to ---- cold Memorial Stadium, where we're sure the Lions will lay down with the lambs . . . before eating them for lunch, and the score will make Dartmouth Green with envy.
[Band marches in to Who Owns NY]
Recently it seems, new Dartmouth president James O. Freedman suggested that the college's fraternities reduce their expenditures on alcohol from 300,000 dollars to 200,000 dollars. The Columbia Marching Band strongly endorses this proposal. After all, 100,000 dollars saved is 100,000 dollars earned. Think for a moment of the many and various ways this money could be better spent. More Presidential scholars could be lured away from the junior colleges they were planning to attend, more students coul d go abroad more often so they could spend even less time at Dartmouth, and eventually maybe even more graduating seniors would be able to read the labels of the Budweiser cans they so quckly empty. Forming 100,000 dollars on the field, the Band now pla ys what every Big Green alumnus ceased to be since he realized "that the Dartmouth he went to no longer exists--"Big Spender"
[Band does this]
RUN AWAY!!!!!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen and "children of pagans and English youth," the Columbia University Marching 5000,
J. Plato Republican
J. Scott Sims Harvard Wanna Be
J. Alex Trebeck Presidential Scholar
J. James O. Freedman Lame Duck
Embarks on a musical quest in search of that rarest of all living creatures, more elusive than a sheep on Saturday night in Hanover, lessening more quickly than each day's new projected vote total for Mike Dukakis, lower in number than a Dartmouth stude nts SAT scores, the most oxymoronic concept in the history of education --- the Dartmouth intellectual.
[Band marches out to Who Owns NY]
Hanover . . . the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Columbia Marching Band. Its halftime mission --- to explore strange, crude worlds, to seek out ovine life and regressive civilizations, to boldly go where no intellectuals have gone before . . . Dartmouth.
Drum Major's Log. Game Date 11/5/88 in orbit around Memorial Stadium. I call in our Chief Medical Officer Bones McCoy and ask him to help me with these letters (death threats). His reply, "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a Dartmouth Student." Realizing th e likely futility of trying to find a Presidential Scholar who got in somewhere else, and bending over backwards to broaden our definition of an intellectual to merely correspond with what the rest of the nation calls someone with an education, the Band now forms a Presidential Scholar and plays the theme
of the hunt for an educated Dartmouth student . . . Mission Impossible.
[Band does this]
This is Geraldo Rivera. After extensive investigation, research, rummaging through people's desks, seeking out the skeletons in every closet, and a pact with the devil, I and the Columbia Marching Band have discovered what no one in Hanover or the rest of the world had known to exist --- the Dartmouth library. [band forms library[ This afternoon, for the first time in recorded history, we will actually open the doors of the library and look inside, live before our halftime audience. Ladies and Gentleme n, we now open the library. [library opens on field, empty] Well, I guess we blew it on this one. Apparently there's no more in here than there was in Al Capone's vault, just a bunch cobwebs and a pile of dust. Now as a public service message going out t o all "well-rounded" students at Dartmouth --- a school where the words "freshman 15" break new ground in understatement --- the Band forms what students at other, more intellectual, that is to say education oriented, schools have at least some familiari ty with --- a stack of books and plays what every Dartmouth librarian is often heard to say No One Ever is Knocking, so No One Ever Comes In.
[Band forms books and plays Knocking]
Welcome to Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I'm Marlin Perkins, and along with my side kick Jim, every week we travel to some remote corner of the earth to look for another endangered species. Today, we are off to the furthest reaches of the Netherworld, Hanover, New Hampshire, in search of "Phenomenus Imposibilus" --- the Dartmouth intellectual. Watch as Jim enters the fraternity over there and attempts to converse with the indigenous population. See Jim suffer the ritual drowning in beer inflicted upon all outsiders by this strange culture. Are these the famous Dartmouth intellectuals which we have heard and read so much about recently? Well, this is probably the closest rung on the evolutionary ladder that we can find. Forming an evolutionary ladder , the Band now plays the song sung by President Freedman and everyone else who has attempted to alter the "reining Dartmouth ideal [of the] extroverted, gregarious, party-going, athletically oriented, overly prone to conformity . . . but not intellectual " student, (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[Band does this]
Please rise for the Columbia alma mater, Sans Souci.
[Band forms C and plays Sans Souci]