1988-11-12 - Cornell
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Cleverest Band in the World, the original CU, the CU that beat Princeton, the Columbia University Marching (random #)
[fanfare]
J. Christian Porwall --- head manager
J. Liz Pleshette --- marching band manager
J. Adam Grais --- drum head
J. Danforth Quayle --- a heartbeat away from the Presidency
[fanfare]
and featuring four more years with a Republican in the White House, the cheerleaders on their way to Canada, and the Cornell band still trying to be taken seriously welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, elimosinary yet still icon oclastic Lawrence A. Wein Stadium where we're sure the Lions will chew up the Big Red and the score will be as close as the race for senator in New York.
[Band marches out to Who Owns NY]
Well, it's been a busy week for Dan Quayle. First he had to learn the names of all of the Bush grandchildren for whom he will babysit the next four years. Then it was off to the cornfields of Indiana to get together and reminisce with his Vietnam War bu ddies on Veterans Day. There was the story of the day the copier jammed, the battle for real cream instead of coffeemate, and the Wet Offensive when the sprinkler system in the office broke. Quayle also proudly exposed his battle scars, a staple would on his left index finger and a paper cut on his tongue which earned him the purple heart. In honor of the Vice President-elect's distinguished war record, the band now forms a purple heart and plays Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree.
[Band does this]
Please rise for our national anthem
[Band forms lines and plays The Star Spangled Banner]
Run Away!!!!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite a two hour joyride in the wilds of New Hampshire, the most immunized band in the world, the Columbia University Marching vaccine.
J. Louis Pasteur --- rabid
J. Jonas Salk --- polio pony
J. Dr. Spock --- pointed ears
J. Danforth Quayle --- arrrrgh!!!
presents a musical tribute on this brisk fall day to something we hope George Bush will be able to avoid for the next four years --- viruses.
[Band marches out to Who Owns NY]
Recently, it seems there has been an outbreak of computer transmitted viruses on college campuses throughout the nation, allegedly started by a Cornell graduate student. As a public service, the band now presents some tips on how to avoid contracting t he disease.
First, remember when you plug into a network, you are interfacing with every other computer that has been with that network in the past five years.
Second, When entering your data, be sure to avoid doing so through the ports on the rear of the computer.
Third, FORTRAN-play can be dangerous with Multimate, so we suggest using UNIX for your graphic displays.
Fourth, Carefully inspect you equipment for SCUZI ports and be sure to use a surge protector whether you have a Microsoft 3-1/2" floppy or a 5-1/4" hard disc.
Fifth, whether you're binary or hexidecimal always use a modem with your Wang, IBM, or Apple, whether its a laptop or desktop.
Finally, remember, the Surgeon General suggests that the best way to prevent the virus, barring use of a typewriter is the use of a surge protector. To help those of you who are still confused about the safe use of a computer, the band now forms a surg e protector and plays what all viruses would hear I Hear You Knocking, but You Can't Come In.
[Band does this]
One aspect of the nationwide infiltration of the computer virus that has been kept secret by the Columbia administration and remained unreported even by the Spectator is the shocking truth that the university's new ROLM phone network was among the syste ms affected by the Cornell whiz geek. As a result of this intrusion, the new Columbia phone service has recently displayed several alarming quirks. Since the break-in, it now costs students as much a five dollars to accept a collect phone call, students service now is mysteriously disconnected when their phone bill reaches 75 dollars, the phonemail answering service only accepts up to three messages at a time . . . (aside) what's that? (to audience) Excuse me for a second, (pause) You'll have to forgive me. I guess I got a little confused. It seems that these inconveniences are not computer malfunctions, but are actually elements of the system that the university had been planning to inflict upon the school community all along. Wishing to thank Presid ent Sovern and everyone else responsible for introducing another perverse form of progress to the students of Morningside Heights, the Band now forms and plays a busy signal and plays what every student will be singing about the new phone system next semester (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[Band does this]
The Columbia Marching Band was thrilled and proud to learn that former drum major, Dan Quayle was elected to the office of Vice President of the United States. We remember Dan well. Although not initially accepted by the members of the Band, a few phone calls back home to his dad took care of that soon enough. We would like to thank Mr. Quayle for his generous donation that allowed us to take Stanley Kaplan's LSAT course last summer. Last year, however, when the Band was attacked and forced to go into battle during halftime up at Cornell last year Danny weasled his way out of combat, once again using his father's political influence to attain a coveted position as a cheerleader. The Band does realize, however, that, as much as we like Danny boy, he wa s probably not the most qualified man for the job. Here is a top ten list of more qualified candidates for Vice President.
10. Bob Dole
9. Jack Kemp
8. Jim Garret
7. Elizabeth Dole
6. Al Sharpton
5. Al Paul
4. A Dole Pineapple
3. Manuel Noriega
2. Karl Ludwig Selig
and the number one person more qualified than Dan Quayle for the office of Vice President --- Mookie Wilson.
Wishing George Bush good health for the next four years, the band now forms a bullet proof vest and plays Peter Gunn.
[Band does this.]
Please rise for the Columbia alma mater, Sans Souci.
[Band forms a C and plays Sans Souci.]