1988-11-19 - Brown
Pre-Game
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite the toughest act to follow since the Cornell Band, the Most 4/4 Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching 44.
[fanfare]
J. Christian Porwall, Head Bands Manager
J. Liz Pleshette, Marching Band Manager
J. Lyle Zmskind, Brand Spanking New Drum Major
J. Adam Grais, Peon for the Week
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, elimosinary, urbane, 4/4, but still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wein Hall . . . I mean, Stadium at Baker Field, for another exciting afternoon of Ivy League football at its best where we're sure the Lions will gra duate on time and the score will be as meaningless as a Brown student's GPA.
Band Marches in to Who Owns NY
The Band now wishes to salute the members of the Marching Band who may not be returning next year, our hopefully. . . graduating seniors. [Band plays Pomp and Circumstance]
Ankur "I'm a citizen, dammit" Mathur
Steve "Hold that ambulance" Yaaaaamaguchi
Cathy "is" Small
Christian "Why did he stop showing up?" Porwall
Lorne "We know why he stopped showing up" Teitlebaum
Tajlei "My sister goes to Brown" Levis
Amy "Can you spare a penny" Wolosoff
Ellie "Penny for a gumball?" Klausner
Ken "Gold is better than" Silber
Mike "Anybody got a light . . . bulb" Jung
Liz "I still haven't seen them win!" Pleshette
In honor of our seniors, the Band now forms a Columbia Degree with Michael Sovern's signature and plays what the University expects every graduating senior to become in a few years Big Spender.
[Band does this]
Please rise for the playing of our National Anthem
[Band forms lines and plays The Star-Spangled Banner]
Run Away!!!
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, back to entertain and amuse you despite the most musicaly inept Drum Major since Matthew B. Cooper, the Columbia University Marching Thanksgiving Pilgrims.
J. Miles Standish Doctor
J. John Alden Lawyer
J. Squanto Indian Chief
J. Jim Garrett Turkey
and featuring the Cornell Band members' hats on the rag, student activities fees on the rise, fraternity funding on the decline, and PhoneMail out of order presents a musical tribute to Brown . . . the color that made dirt famous.
[Band marches out to Who Owns NY]
One reason for Brown's poor record this season has been its lack of a passing game. As their coach explains, "Of course my players don't pass. With Brown's flexible curriculum, they don't have to." As for the ground attack, most teams have been able to stop the Brown running game with a dose of Kaopectate. It's pathetic to see a team go a whole season without a single victory. , and Columbia, with its proud tradition of winning, can only shake its head in wonder at such ineptitude. Besides all that, th eir school is named after an ugly color, they have a teddy bear for a mascot, and we would make fun of their marching band but, as you've seen, that obviously isn't necessary. To top it all off, they live in Providence. Saluting the spirit of losing that has made Brown the laughing stock of the Ivy League, the band firms the state of Rhode Island . . . actual size, and plays Sweet Georgia Brown.
[Band does this.]
The Marching Band was going to compile a top ten list of reasons why we are glad we don't go to Brown. Much as we tried, however, we found it impossible to pare it down to only ten reasons, so instead, on this pre-Thanksgiving weekend, the Band offers its top ten list from the home office in 5C1 Hartley of reasons we have to be thankful: {drum roll}
10. We don't go to Brown
9. The Garrett brothers don't go to Columbia
8. We're not the Cornell Band
7. We're not the Princeton Band
6. We're not the Harvard Band
5. We're playing Brown this week
4. Realityfest only comes once a year
3. Larry Wein's undying devotion to Alma Mater
Runner-Up . . . Daryl Strawberry
{bass drum roll} and the number one reason the Columbia Band has had to be thankful over the past year . . . Mookie Wilson {cymbal crash}
Forming Mookie Wilson on the field, the Band now plays the theme song of the best organized sports team east of Baker Field Meet the Mets.
[Band amorphs and plays Meet the Mets]
Recently, it seems Columbia Student Enterprises has once again served the Columbia University community so well with the timely release of its annual Student Directory, the C-Book. Applications for admissions into the C-Book were up by the highest margi n in recent memory this year making it more difficult than ever to get in. Average registration fees were up, student phone lines were down, and, for the first time, the phone number of the Band was actually included ( but don't call us, we'll call you).
Director of Admissions James McMenamin told a gathering of students included in this year's C-Book that this year's directory is the best in the history of Columbia, and for the third straight year, it's been harder to get into the C-Book than to get in to Brown. Forming a C-Book, the band now plays what every student hears when they try to get their number listed in the directory, I Know You Want To, but You Can't Get In.
[Band forms a C-Book and plays Knocking]
Please rise for the Coluimbia Alma Mater, Sans Souci.
[Band forms a C and plays Sans Souci.]