1989-09-16 - Harvard
Pre-Game
Ladies and Gentlemen . . . and Harvard Students, . . . back to entertain and amuse you in its fourth consecutive, sixty-ninth annual, fall campaign, . . . with more than twice the required minimum 35 members on the field, the Cleverest Band in the World, The Columbia University, Marching, Senior Re-Orientation Committee. (fanfare)
J. Adam J. Grais, Pre-Law Band Manager
J. Lyle Zmskind, Pre-Unemployed Drum Major
J. Blake Thurman, Pre-Law Dean
and J. Matt White, Pre-Pubescent Dean (fanfare)
welcomes itself back, to beautiful, . . . bucolic, . . . bilateral, . . . multicultural but still iconoclastic and eleemosynary Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field . . . where we're sure the Lions' performance, will make Harvard faces turn Crimson , . . . and the score will be as low as the price of those stylish Marching Band T-shirts on sale throughout the game under the stands in Section G.
[Band Marches in to Who Owns New York? (With Intro)]
The Columbia Band would like to join music lovers all over New York in thanking the Harvard Band for not showing up this afternoon. It seems the Harvard Drum major found himself unable to make it to today's game, because he had to take his Medical School Admissions Test, . . . and, . . . we suppose, he needed the rest of the Harvard Band to help himmmm... fill in the ovals. Apparently, after having been rejected by Columbia four years ago, he wanted to make sure such a tragedy would not befall him again, and that he would at long last be able to leave that institution often called . . . the Hofstra of the Boston area, and finally attend Columbia University in the City of New York. The Columbia Band now forms a number 2 pencil and a standardized test oval . . . and plays what the Admissions Office of the Columbia Med School will tell this poor Harvard senior, despite his best efforts to get accepted: We Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In.
[Band Does This]
Please rise and join the Columbia University Marching Band in our National Anthem.
[Band forms lines and plays The Star-Spangled Banner]
Run Away ! ! !
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, back, despite a recent 5-4 Supreme Court decision, . . . the most constitutionally unsound band in the world, the Columbia University Marching First Amendment Test Case.
J. Robert Mapplethorpe, On-Field Formation Designer
J. Jesse Helms, The Band's Censor in the Dean's Office
J. Dean Webster Vs. Reproductive Services and
J. Marching Band T-Shirts on sale throughout the game under the stands in Section G.
And featuring, tuition on the rise, freedom of speech on the decline, and Bill of Rights expert Jack Greenberg in an office in Hamilton Hall, presents a musical tribute to the United States Constitution, soon to be overturned by a legislative body near you.
[Band Marches in to Who Owns New York]
Recently, it seems, President Bush has announced his support for a war on drugs in this country . . . in which he has expressed a willingness to sacrifice the constitutional right to privacy and subject some citizens to mandatory drug testing. More importantly though, President Bush has committed many millions of American dollars, as well as military support, to the campaign against the drug industry in Colombia. The Marching Band, however, feels that this is a misguided effort. . . . After all, Jared Goldstein graduated last year . . . Ad Hoc is just a memory . . . and the Quote Drug-Addicted Losers Unquote of 1985 are now all working on Wall Street. The Administration's strategies towards curbing the Columbian Drug Cartel have, furthermore, be en less than completely thought out. For, while students will no longer be able to buy beer in Furnald Grocery, the store will continue to carry, a regular supply of Coke . . . a cola. Forming a bottle of Coke on the field, the band now plays the theme song, of the President's battle to rid this nation of the scourge of drugs . . . Mission Impossible.
[Band Does This]
Over the summer, much controversy surrounded an allegedly pornographic photography exhibit, scheduled to open at a public gallery in Washington. The Senior Senator from North Carolina proposed legislation that would restrict funding, from the National Endowment for the Arts, to those artists and performers, whose work conforms to a prescribed level of decency. The curtailment of the constitutional right to freedom of expression has alarmed civil libertarians everywhere, and especially at Columbia, where this new prohibition might well result in the demise of several traditional presences on campus. And now, from the home office beneath the Capitol Dome in Washington, D.C., here is a Top Ten list of cultural icons most likely to be newly censored, in the name, of decency:
10. The Columbia Marching Band
9. The Columbia Football Team
8. The Columbia Student Government
7. Columbia barbers
6. The new awning, at the Columbia University Bookstore
5. Ferris Booth Hall
4. Carman Hall
3. The term "first-year student"
2. The term, of office, of would-be Student Senator, Michael Orlow
. . . and the number one cultural icon to be censored in the name of decency . . . . . . . . . . . . Harvard!!!
Forming a map of the Boston/Cambridge area, including all major roadways, bridges, rivers, points of entry, and, most importantly points of exit, the Band now plays what every Harvard student will be heard to say when he learns that the United States Senate has finally discovered that MIT is the only decent school on the banks of the Charles River . . . (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[Band Does This]
One anachronistic Supreme Court decision actually, upholding Americans' Constitutional right to freedom of expression, was that confirming the legality of burning the flag. Wouldn't you know it though, that upon hearing of the decision, George Bush, whose Presidential campaign last fall was heavily steeped in flag imagery, immediately proposed a Constitutional Amendment circumventing the Court's verdict. After all, he reasoned, once you start burning the flag, . . . the next thing you know big, ugly awnings will suddenly appear all up and down Broadway, Columbia College will start importing deans from Barnard and the Law School, and Ivy League universities will begin to offer classes on "Our Friend The Dinosaur" to fulfill degree requirements. While it is still wholly legal to do so, therefore, the Band now forms, a burning flag and plays Light My Fire.
[Band Does This]
Please rise for the Columbia Alma Mater, Sans Souci Band forms a C and plays Sans Souci
Run Away ! ! !