1990-09-15 - Harvard
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite popular demand, the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching (random #)
[fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Head Manager
J. Rob Perle - Drum Major
and
J . New Kids on the Block - Keeping the Friendly Skies safe for all except Harvard students-
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will show up the Crimson, the game will be as one sided as Jesse Helms' family tree, and the score will be as low as the price of those stylish Marching Band T-Shirts on sale throughout the game under the stands in section G.
[Band Marches in to Who Owns]
Recently, it seems, attention has been focused on rivalry amongst Columbia's undergraduate divisions. For example, when asked which division students attend, Columbia College students typically replied "The College," Engineering students responded "Huh?" General Studies students answered "No time to talk - I gotta pick up the kids.." and Barnard students, when asked, always reply "Yes." But some feel that members of the Columbia Community would be better off concentrating on hating Harvard rather than each other. For example, Harvard shamefully absorbed Radcliffe College in the early seventies, then quickly transformed all Radcliffe dormitories into the ugliest on the Cambridge campus. Columbia, on the other hand, is unwilling to merge with Barnard, for that would put an abrupt stop to their long standing competition to see who could build the ugliest building in northern Manhattan. Furthermore, our President is highly paid and has a forehead; while Harvard's is not so highly paid, but still has a foreskin. (Hi Dean Rog! We're back!). In order to expedite our newfound rivalry with the Hofstra of the Greater Boston Metropolitan Area, the band now forms intercollegiate rivalry and plays Roar Lion.
[Band does this.]
Please rise and join the Columbia University Marching Band in our National Anthem.
[Band forms lines and plays the Banner.]
Halftime
And now, for the entertaining portion of today's halftime show--and by the way, for those of you who enjoyed the Harvard Show, that's because we've secretly replaced select members of the band with Folger's Crystals.
Ladies and gentlemen, and Harvard students, back despite a conspicuous lack of draft deferments, first in fight, ever faithful, the few, the proud, the Columbia University Marching Cannon Fodder.
J. David Dinkins, the official air traffic controller of the U.S. Open.
J. Colin Powell, the official air traffic controller of Operation Desert Shield.
J. Village Copier, the official copier of the Columbia University Marching Band,
and
J. Harvard University Marching Band, the UNofficial copier of the Columbia University Marching Band.
And featuring tuition on the rise, civility on the decline, and President Sovern's salary rising almost as fast as his hairline, presents a multicultural, gender-neutral summary of recent events around the world, and in Cambridge as well.
[Band Marches in to Who Owns]
Next Saturday marks the 69th annual Head of the Charles Regatta. However, due to the untimely spillage of Michael Dukakis' political career into the Charles River, this year's competition has been forced to relocate to a better neighborhood -- that pearl of the Indian Ocean, the Persian Gulf. Columbia's regatta team, in an effort to end the longest losing streak in the history of manpowered water sports, was the only other team desperate enough to arrive. Needless to say, hundreds of rowdy Columbia Cans followed in their wake, intent on witnessing the end of the streak. Unfortunately, an errant water balloon thrown by an overenthusiastic fraternity member struck Saddam Hussein's favorite Radcliffe concubine, precipitating an incident which quickly swelled to engulf all consenting nations. The band now forms the site of the Head of the Gulf Regatta and plays what Harvard honorary degree recipient Saddam Hussein was heard to say when the Columbia entrants refused to comply with his demand to pull out "I Can't Get No Satisfaction."
[Band does this.]
A few days later, Saddam Hussein's defense forces secretly amassed themselves on the Kuwaiti border, hoping to invade the tiny emirate and lay seige to the Columbia School of Library Science, temporarily relocated due to the Butler Library renovations. When the Columbia admimistration heard that "Hussein the Insane" had succeeded in capturing the only remaining student of Library Sciences, President Sovern decided to sell the school to the now-defunct Kuwaiti government, citing financial hardship, 130-degree heat, and a hostile army of 1.5 million breathing down his neck. The band now forms the state of readiness of the Kuwaiti government at the time of the invasion and plays its disastrous results.
[Band amorphs and plays Wipeout]
Meanwhile, when reporters pressed President Bush on the Gulf situation, he and his advisers misunderstood the question, seized their drivers and putters, and beat a hasty retreat to the back nine at Kennebunkport. When officials in Washington realized that they had been left sand-trapped and handicapped, with neither a birdie in the hand nor a Quayle in the Bush, they quickly called up their reserves from Columbia, the only bureaucracy on par with that of the federal government. However, University administrators refused to step up to the tee and be drafted into the service of their country. Instead, they blockaded themselves inside Low Library, demanding that all students slide their tuition checks under the door and leave campus immediately. Upon hearing of this latest crisis; President Bush cautiously decided to switch to a five-iron, which the Band now forms, while playing what reporters heard while attempting to enter the Kennebunkport Country Club - "I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In."
[Band does this.]
Please rise for the Columbia Alma Mater Sans Souci
[Band forms a C and plays.]