1991-09-21 - Harvard

PREGAME

Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite popular demand, the CleverestBand in the World tm, the Columbia University Marching Sixty-Nine.[Fanfare]
J.Joe Schwartz - Head Manager
J.Rob Perle - Drum Major
J.Random Bandie - Our most prolific member, and
J.Neil Rudenstein - getting around the Ivy League...[Fanfare]Welcomes itself back , for the first time in a long time, tocurvaceous, inviting, easily accessible, yet still, virginal Soldier'sField... where we're sure that the Lions will leave a Crimson stain on thecarpet, the game will be as close as the race to become the Democraticnominee for '92, and the score will be as low as the sperm count of theaverage Harvard male. [Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York.]Ah, the Harvard Game. You know, the sun seems to shine just alittle brighter, the birds sing just a little sweeter, Boston Harbor seemsjust a little chunkier, and the tweed seems just a little, well, tweedier. The Band, for one, was so excited at the proposition of visiting historicCambridge again that we couldn't wait to come. Since the Band pridesitself on tradition, we are relieved to see that Harvard men have taken itinto their own hands to adhere to the legacy of the Minutemen. We nowform a map of the greater Boston-Cambridge area: featuring all majorroadways, bridges, rivers, historical landmarks, points of entry, and mostimportantly, points of exit, and play what Harvard women will hear as theyget the results of their Columbia transfer applications...I Hear YouKnocking, But You Can't Come In. [Band amorphs and plays that damned song again.]

HALFTIME

Ladies and Gentlemen, and Harvard students, back despite yetanother death threat, the most targeted Band in the World, the ColumbiaUniversity Marching Bullseyes.[Fanfare]
J.Joe "Kennedy "Schwartz - Head Manager of the Dead Kennedy's
J.Bobby "Kennedy" Perle - Bulletproof Drum Major
J.Jack "Kennedy" Daniels - an old friend of the family, and
J.Teddy Kennedy - soon to be driving off a bridge near you...[Fanfare]presents an all-star, gala salute to the Kennedys: One of America's... families. [who owns]The Commonwealth of Massachusetts has long been a bastion offree-thinking, liberal-mindedness, and democracy... A tradition whichextends all the way back to the Salem witch trials. Recently, politicshave once again raised a stink in Beantown as the suburban town of Chelseavoted to declare itself a receivership. Harvard, citing its previoussuccesses in Crown Heights and Watts, nominated itself to the position, Noless a personage than Teddy Kennedy himself was intoxicated with the ideaand became all revved up, volunteering to personally drive the platformhome, but the idea was soon drowned in a sea of controversy. The Band,however, feels that this whole affair is simply water under the bridge. So fasten your seatbelts everyone as the Band now forms a car going off abridge and, in honor of Ted and his 1957 Oldsmobile, plays Under the Sea.[Band does this]Recently it seems, Teddy Kennedy has taken the plunge and admittedthat he has a drinking problem [Band expresses stunned disbelief]. Claiming that these feelings have been bottled up too long, the Senatortapped a well of support in his constituents who viewed this as proof ofhis refined spirit. His nephew, Jack Kennedy Jr, consoled his uncle byadmitting that he, too, has never been able to pass a bar. In his effortto dry out, Teddy has started a rigorous workout program which is said toinvolve such grueling exercises as touching his nose repeatedly whilewalking straight lines and counting back from ten to one. In honor of twoof Teddy's favorite vices, the Band now forms a champagne bottle and playsTequila. [Band does this.]And now, the latest from Hollywood. The Band has learned of a newfeature film which will finally set the record straight in regard to PalmSprings. Inside sources reveal that the newest member of the Kennedyclan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, will star. The Band, for one, finds itironic that the Terminator is on the Kennedy side...for once. Theproducers were considering several titles including Do the Wrong Thing ,The Unbearable Lightness of Fleeing, and Romancing the Stoned. Some otherpossible titles , such as Above the Law, Flight of the Intruder and TheAccused, were discarded because they were already taken, so the producersfinally settled on Bill and Ted's Bogus Alibi. In honor of Willie andTeddy's most excellent escapades, the Band will now form a pair ofhandcuffs and play I Got You (I Feel Good). [Band forms handcuffs and plays that James Brown classic]Please rise for the Columbia Alma Mater, as the Band forms "LIONS" andplays Sans Souci. {Band forms "LOINS"} Uh, guys, I said LIONS! [Band switches to "LIONS" and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]

POST-CENSORED SCRIPT

PREGAME

Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite popular demand, the CleverestBand in the Worldtm, the Columbia University Marching Sixty-Nine.[Fanfare]
J.Joe Schwartz - Head Manager
J.Rob Perle - Drum Major
J.Random Bandie - Our most prolific member, and
J.Neil Rudenstein - getting around the Ivy League...[Fanfare]Welcomes itself back , for the first time in a long time, tocurvaceous, inviting, easily accessible, yet still, virginal Soldier'sField... where we're sure that the Lions will leave a Crimson stain on thecarpet, the game will be as close as the race to become the Democraticnominee for '92, and the score will be as low as the Standard and Poor'srating for the town of Chelsea. [Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York.]Ah, the Harvard Game. You know, the sun seems to shine just alittle brighter, the birds sing just a little sweeter, Boston Harbor seemsjust a little chunkier, and the tweed seems just a little, well, tweedier. The Band, for one, was so excited at the proposition of visiting historicCambridge again that we couldn't wait to come. Since the Band pridesitself on tradition, we are relieved to see that Harvard men have taken itinto their own hands to adhere to the legacy of the Minutemen. We nowform a map of the greater Boston-Cambridge area: featuring all major roadways,bridges, rivers, historical landmarks, points of entry, and mostimportantly, points of exit, and play what Harvard women will hear as theyget the results of their Columbia transfer applications...I Hear YouKnocking, But You Can't Come In. [Band amorphs and plays that damned song again.]

HALFTIME

Ladies and Gentlemen, and Harvard students, back despite yetanother death threat, the most targeted Band in the World, the ColumbiaUniversity Marching Bullseyes. [Fanfare]
J.J Harvard, the hardest man in Harvard Yard
J.J J J J J ... damn keyboard malfunction!
J.Jake Novak, Wait. That's me!
J.J J Evans, DYNOMITE![Fanfare]presents an all-star, gala salute to the Kennedys: One of America's... families. [who owns]Rumor has it that there will be yet another Presidential electionin the year 1992. Among the officially declared Democratic candidates arePaul Tsongas, yet another short, Greek, Ex-Massachusetts Senator withone eyebrow and a funny last name...and... Douglas Wilder. Theunofficially declared candidates include H. Norman Schwarzkopf who hasgiven all other candidates until January 15th to get the hell out...of therunning. Another unofficial candidate is Massachusetts Representative JoeKennedy, t he least publicized and least incarcerated member of theKennedy clan. In honor of these White House wanna-bees, the Band nowforms the Oval Office, with entering candidate, and plays what the winnerwill sing...I Got You (I Feel Good). [Band forms oval with candidates attempting to enter and plays that James Brown classic.]The Commonwealth of Massachusetts has long been a bastion offree-thinking, liberal-mindedness, and democracy... A tradition whichextends all the way back to the Salem witch trials. Recently, politicshave once again raised a stink in Beantown as the suburban town of Chelseavoted to declare itself a receivership. Harvard, citing its previoussuccesses in Crown Heights and Watts, nominated itself to the position. No less a personage than Teddy Kennedy himself was intoxicated with theidea and became all revved up, volunteering to personally drive theplatform home, but the idea was soon drowned in a sea of controversy. TheBand, however, feels that this whole affair is simply water under thebridge. So fasten your seatbelts everyone as the Band now forms a cargoing off a bridge and, in honor of Ted and his 1957 Oldsmobile, playsUnder the Sea. [Band does this]Recently it seems, Teddy Kennedy has taken the plunge and admittedthat he has a drinking problem [Band expresses stunned disbelief]. Claiming that these feelings have been bottled up too long, the Senatortapped a well of support in his constituents who viewed this as proof ofhis refined spirit. His nephew, Jack Kennedy Jr, consoled his uncle byadmitting that he, too, has never been able to pass a bar. In his effortto dry out, Teddy has started a rigorous workout program which is said toinvolve such grueling exercises as touching his nose repeatedly whilewalking straight lines and counting back from ten to one. In honor of twoof Teddy's favorite vices, the Band now forms a champagne bottle and playsTequila. [Band does this.]Please rise for the Columbia Alma Mater, as the Band forms "LIONS" andplays Sans Souci. {Band forms "LOINS"} Uh, guys, I said LIONS! [Band switches to "LIONS" and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]