1991-09-28 - Lehigh

PREGAME

Ladies and Gentlemen, (back despite popular demand), the CleverestBand in the Worldtm, (the Columbia University Marching Inmates). [Fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Warden
J. Rob Perle - Perennial soap-dropper)
J. Henry Sieff - Sing-Sing's newest resident,
and J. Doctor Jonathan Reeves - sentenced to life without parole at Columbia...) [Fanfare]Welcomes itself back , to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral,multicultural, eelemosynary, (yet still iconoclastic) Lawrence A. WienStadium at Baker Field... where we're sure that the Lions will engineer avictory, the game will be as close as Lehi gh is to anything else (Youmean it will be a blowout, Jake?), and the score will be as low as themoral standards of any University President who's not only a lawyer, butalso works for the phone company...[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York.]This past spring, Columbia's athletic director of eighteen years,Al Paul, made his escape for greener pastures in Elizabeth, New Jersey.The Band, for one, would like to welcome Doctor Jonathan Reeves, who willfind that Al left behind an exceptionall y small pair of shoes to fill.One could hardly blame Doctor Reeves if, unlike Al, he is unable torestrain the athletic prowess that lurks in every Lion. In hopes that hecan really turn things around, The Band salutes Doctor Jonathan Reeves asit no w forms the sunset into which Al Paul has walked off . We would liketo play Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al, but, since that's completely outof the question, will instead play, for no apparent reason, I Hear YouKnocking, But You Can't Come In. [Band forms a horizon line and semicircle and plays that song]Please rise and join the Columbia University Marching Band in ourNational Anthem,[Band forms grid and plays The Star Spangled Banner]

HALFTIME

Ladies and Gentlemen, (and Lehigh students), the mostretrospective Band in the World, (the Columbia University Marching K.C.and the Sunshine Band.)[Fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Gerald Ford wanna-be
J. Rob Perle - Drum Major. Denture wearer
J. Witty Banter - Get used to it, and
J. Telly Savalas - Who loves ya baby![Fanfare]Presents an all-star, musical tribute to the year of birth of mostof our freshman class. So put on your bell-bottoms and grab your petrocks as the Columbia University Marching Band looks back through thesands of time and remembers...1973 [Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]Perhaps the most revealing event of 1973 occurred when thenPresident Richard Nixon was caught with his pants down...(You know, Jake,Watergate was pretty embarrasing too)...when Lehigh graduate G.GordonLiddy and his cronies were arrested while enterin g the WatergateApartment Complex. This marks the last time in recent memory in which theRepublicans thought it necessary to do something illegal to beat theDemocrats in any election. The Band now forms the Watergate Apartments,replete with attempti ng burglars, and plays what the security officer washeard to say upon stumbling across the perpetrators... I Got You (I FeelGood). [Band forms circle with miscies attempting to enter and plays I Got You (I Feel Good)](In 1973, your fellow Columbia undergrad, Larry Abraham, entered his freshman year at Haverford College.) [Fanfare]In other news, Arab armies launched a surprise attack againstIsrael on the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, an act which culminatedin what was to be known as the Yom Kippur War. The tide was turned whenthe Israeli Air Force launched a massive bom bing raid, dropping fortytons of unleavened bread on each and every Arab unit. Even though the warwas really messy, it can be said that the Israelis really came into theirown right after 1973 . The Band now tries to hold its own as it forms aHawk g round-to-air missile and plays what Anwar Sadat was heard to saythrough a mouthful of matzoh, (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction. [Band does this.]In one of the most controversial decisions since President Sovernchose not to join the Hair Club for Men, the Supreme Court legalizedabortion in the 1973 case of Roe versus Wade. (You know, Jake, if thisdecision had been made a few years earlier, I'd bet this year's freshmanclass would be a lot smaller) You know, Alan, if you've ever experienced aclass-action lawsuit, you wouldn't have made that last comment... Anyway,this case has spawned much controversy to date. The right-to-lifegroupers we re whale-ing, while the pro-choice school was admonishing themfor being so shellfish. Recently, it seems, Supreme Court nomineeClarence Thomas has the Senate floundering by stating that he will notswallow either ideology hook,line, and sinker.Nevert heless, the Band nowforms a gavel and plays what Judge Thomas may do to this most egg-citingaction of 1973...Wipeout [Band forms a gavel and plays some really bad surf music]Please rise for the Columbia Alma Mater as the Band forms LIONSand plays Sans Souci. {Band forms "LOINS"} (Uh, guys, he said LIONS!)[Band switches to "LIONS" and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt]