1991-10-05 - Fordham

PREGAME

Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite repairs to the Broadway local,the Cleverest Band in the World tm, the Columbia University Marching(random #) [Fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Head Manager
J. Rob Perle - Drum Major, and
J. Fred Giordano - Get a hobby...[Fanfare]...Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral,multicultural, eelemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. WienStadium at Baker Field, where we're sure that the Lions will ram defeatdown Fordham's throat, the game will be as close as Fordham is toColumbia, and the score will be as low as the morale of the Lehighcheerleaders after last weekend... [Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]The Band would now like to take this opportunity to introduce toyou one of Columbia's premier a capella groups, but since none of themcould make it, we settled for the Kingsmen. Before we begin today'sfestivities, the Band, for one, feels it necessary to explain the hows,and more importantly, the whys, of what your about to see. The founderof the Kingsmen, Englebert Humperdink, decided that Morningside Heightscould use a little excitement and humor in a musical setting. Havingalready been kicked out of the Marching Band, he started an a capellagroup. Originally conceived as a bunch of happy-go-lucky entertainers,the Kingsmen are now known as the progenitors of the three principleforces gnawing away at the fabric of American society: Sha Na Na, Menudo,and the New Kids on the Block. In deference to our fellow Columbians, theBand now forms a note and plays, for obvious reasons, Gimme Some Lovin'.[Band forms a musical note and plays G.S.L.]Grab your Rolling Rocks and hold onto your daughters as theKingsmen take us on a patriotic ride that we're sure will be something towrite home about. Please rise and join the Kingsmen in their very specialrendition of our National Anthem. [Band holds formation as the Kingsmen "sing" The Star-Spangled Banner]RUN AWAY!

HALFTIME

Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite Billy Graham's latestconversion attempt, the most Unholy Band in the World, the ColumbiaUniversity Marching Agnostics. [Fanfare]J, R.E.M. - Losing Their Religion
J. Guns N' Roses - Using Their Illusion, and
J. Fordham Band - Abusing Their...[Fanfare]..and featuring Christianity on the rise, Communism on the decline,and the Kingsmen on the run...presents a musical salute to Fordham's mostpopular major...current events. [Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]Stardate...1991.10.5, Captain's Log...clogging the toiletagain...That's right boys and girls, this week marks the 25th anniversaryof one of television's greatest acheivements, as well as the debut of StarTrek. This series was filled with so much potential that it spawned awhole slew of movies. No one can deny that Star Trek: The Motion Picturewas the world's greatest sleep aid...until the Fordham Band's performance. In an effort on par with getting blood from a rock, or funding fromStudent Council, Hollywood insisted on producing five sequels. AlthoughStar Trek 6:The Undiscovered Country was rumored to be last in the series,the Band has learned of several more movies in progress. William Shatnerwill direct Star Trek 7:The Search for a Decent Hairpiece, while DeForestKelley will direct Star Trek 8:Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a Director. Finally, in 1997, the series will end with a film tentatively titled StarTrek 10: The Search for Star Trek 9. The Band now forms a photon torpedoand plays what Trekkies everywhere will be heard to say...(I Can't GetNo)Satisfaction. [Band does this]At this point in the show, we wanted to do a joke about thedifferences between Columbia's Morningside campus and Fordham's South Bronxbut...we couldn't find any. Instead, we now salute one of NewYork City's institute's of higher learning...Fordham University. Originally conceived as a simple addition to the Bronx Zoo, Fordham cannow boast about many fields of study and departments that no one else canapproach...or they'll fall down a grate in the sidewalk. At this verymoment, Fordham scientists are close to answering the question "Now howmuch would you pay?" But wait, there's more. Students can take advantageof on site research programs in Animal Husbandry and Urban Decay. Inaddition, there are many seminars, including the popula r "How to Drivewith One Headlight and No Hubcaps." Lastly, we can't forget to mentionthe School of Pharmaceutical Distribution, located in the phone booth ofthe White Castle on East Tremont Avenue, and the Institute ofUser-Friendly Pyrotechnics, located throughout the South Bronx. Tocelebrate our bond with the other schools in our City, the Band now formsand would now like to play Frank Sinatra's New York, New York, but sincethe Fordham Band already did,(alternate:but since we expected the FordhamBand to,) will instead play what we all hear when the doors to theBroadway local slam in our faces, I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't ComeIn. [Band forms and plays, are you as sick of that song as I am?]Collegiate athletics is filled with rivalries, with Army-Navy,Michigan-Ohio State, and Harvard-Yale among the most famous. No listwould be complete without mentioning the infamous Columbia-Fordhamrivalry, which stems from the time when Fordham students realized theircollege wasn't the one in the worst neighborhood in New York. This gamemarks the first time in nineteen years that these two athletic powerhouseshave clashed head-to head. In 1972, the Columbia Lions defeated Fordhamin a game that ended in tragedy for the Rams. It seems that then Lioncoach Mike Sovern placed Columbia Security Guards in the defensive line. After the guards were through with the Rams, there was nothing left to dobut set them out to pasture in Van Cortlandt Park. Luckily, The N.C.A.A.stepped in and disallowed Columbia from winning for the next five years. Since the Lions have paid their dues, it's time to let the Rams know thatwe're no longer a bunch a beatniks with goatees who are sheepish aboutwinning. In recognition of the stronger school, the Band now forms itsinitials and plays its fight song. [Band forms "F.U.", drops crossbar of "F" to form "C.U." and plays Roar,Lion, Roar.]Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band plays our AlmaMater, Sans Souci. [Band holds formation and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]RUN AWAY!