1991-10-12 - Penn
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite popular demand, the Cleverest Band in the World tm, the Columbia University Marching Athletic Supporters.
[Fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Head Manager
J. Rob Perle - Drum Major, and
J. Village Copier - The Official Copier of the Columbia University Marching Band
[Fanfare]
...Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure that the Lions will make oatmeal out of the Quakers, the competition will be as stiff as the Penn cheerleaders' hairdos, and the score will be as low as the SAT of the average Penn student.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]
Looking back, there's a lot of good things to remember about 1961. JFK was inaugurated President...Mike Sovern still had hair...Bread was 35 cents a load, my mom just entered Barnard College...things just felt right in America...(sniff) I'm sorry I yelled at you yesterday, Alan. I'm sorry too, Jake. I know how you feel, though. In 1961,My father was preparing to be shipped off to Korea, and the Columbia Lions won the Ivy Football title. We should all be proud of their ability to break through the lines and bring home a victory...(Alan becomes irate) just like we shoulda done in Korea, pushing those pinko Commie bastards back to to Great Wall of China and nuked 'em back to the stone age!! Anyway, the Band now forms the quaalude I'm administering to my friend Alan here, and plays what Alan should say to all those little voices he hears in his head...I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In.
[Band does this.]
Please rise and join the Columbia University Marching Band in our National Anthem.
[Band grids up and plays The Star-Spangled Banner]
HALFTIME
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Penn students, back despite that burning sensation, the rashest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching {scratch, scratch} damn that itch!
[Fanfare]
J, Columbia Alumni - Welcome back (subliminal suggestion: money)
J. Penn Cheerleaders - One word...liposuction
J. Village Copier - The Official Copier of the Columbia University Marching Band,
and J. Penn Band - The unofficial copier of the Columbia University Marching Band
[Fanfare]
Presents an all-star, musical tribute to mediocrity everywhere...
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]
The Band would now like to look back through time to that fateful day in 1740 when Benjamin Franklin woke up on the wrong side of the bed, stubbed his toe, and accidentally gave birth to the University of Pennsylvania. Notice, that while he made the mistake of actually founding the school, he had enough foresight not to name it after himself. It is fitting, however that Penn students look to the memory of their founding father for guidance and support. For example. Ben Franklin's Pennchant for tight pants and big hair has dictated Penn fashion for the past two-hundred and fifty years. Ben's inclination for doing really stupid things, like flying a grounded kite in an electrical storm, has set the stage for all of Penn's academics. In honor of that historical thunderstorm, the Band now forms a bolt of lightning and plays what God was heard to say upon discovering that Ben was still alive...(I Can't Get No)Satisfaction.
[Band forms a bolt of lightning and plays that Stones classic.]
Recently, it seems, the literary world was stunned by the death of Theodore Geisel, better known as Doctor Seuss. We are all saddened by the loss of a man who contributed so much to our childhoods. It has come to our attention that Mr. Geisel had become quite cynical in his later years, rewriting some of his classics more akin with his moodiness. For your enjoyment, the Band now presents the last known work of Theodore Geisel.
I will not read, my school's a sham
I will not, I will not
Penn, I am
I will not do it on a boat
I will not do it with a goat
(Of course not, then this would be a Dartmouth joke)
I will not do it in a mall
I will not read it off a wall
I will not do it...at all
I will not read Kant
I will not read Hegel,
(Alan becomes irate again)
or Kierkergaard!, or Demosthenes!, Thucidides, Homer, Aeschylus, Plato, Sophocles, Euripides, Sappho, Shakespeare, Aristotle, Norman Mailer, Danielle Steele, People magazine!, The New York Times!
Penn, I am
I will not read, my school's a sham
I will not, I will not
Penn, I am
To salute Doctor Seuss, The Band now forms an open book, and plays what every Penn student hopes to learn in four years... their A B C's.
[The Band forms a book and plays The Alphabet Song to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star]
Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band forms "LIONS" and plays Sans Souci. {Band forms "LOINS"} Guys, I'm tired of telling you, I said LIONS!
[Band switches to "LIONS" and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]
RUN AWAY!