1991-10-26 - Yale
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite midterms week, the CleverestBand in the World tm, the Columbia University Marching Piebald Mob ofRum-Crazed Rowdies and Ruffians. [Fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Head Manager
J. Rob Perle - Drum Major, and
J. Clarence Thomas - Who put that hair on my microphone!?[Fanfare]...Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral,multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. WienStadium at Baker Field, where we're sure that the Lions will spay theBulldogs, the game will be as close as Vassar is to Yale. You mean it willbe a blowout, Jake?, and the score will be as non-existent as the Yale Band.[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]Well, Well, Well...If it isn't our old friends the Eli's, back inour own backyard. Somebody in Security must have left the gate open. Have you come here with a bone to pick? If you think all your growlingand tooth-baring is enough to make us roll over and play dead, we wantyou to know that this isn't just another walk in the park. Sure, we werehounded by defeat early in the season, but we gave the Quakers apound-ing, so now its your turn in the doghouse. You may be wondering "Howmuch more of these bad puns can the Band unleash?" Don't even think oftrying to muzzle us because you're barking up the wrong tree. I thinkwe've milked this gravy train long enough. The Band now forms a rolled-upnewspaper, swats the Bulldog on its nose and sends it home with its tailbetween your legs as it plays what Bulldogs typically hear on these cold,winter nights...I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In. [Band does this.]Please rise, and join the Columbia University Marching Band in ourNational Anthem. [Band grids up and plays The Star-Spangled Banner]HALFTIME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite closed door confirmationhearings, the most judicious Band in the World, the Columbia UniversityMarching Hung Jury. [Fanfare]J, Teddy Kennedy - Casting the first stone?
J. David Duke - Doesn't need a costume this Halloween
J. Paul Tsongas - Who?, and
J. Mario Cuomo - I used to be indecisive, but, now I'm not so sure.[Fanfare]..and featuring tuition on the rise, Civility on the decline, andDistrict 65 somewhere in between...presents a gender neutral,multicultural, politically correct summary of recent happenings atColumbia. [Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York.]Recently, it seems, the Civility Committee threatened to issueanother long-winded, yet still politically correct, report to clarify theambiguities of the first. For instance, they intend to, once and for all,clearly define the terms "civil" and "uncivil" . The Band, for one, haslearned that the Committee plans to clarify other imponderables as "God" ,"time" , the concept of "zero", "good versus bad" , "love and hate", and"naughty and nice". Santa Claus could not be reached for comment. TheBand now forms the U.S. Constitution and plays what the CivilityCommittee would like to do to it...Wipeout! [Band does this.]In keeping with the guidelines established by the CivilityCommittee, the Band now presents a list of terms that will no longer beacceptable. For example, University President Michael Sovern can nolonger be referred to as "bald as a cue ball", but as a "person ofscalp". However, the mane of Columbia College Dean Roger Lehecka, shouldbe noted as "follicularly challenged". When identifying the oh-so-stylishgoatee of Former Columbia College Dean Bob Pollack, it should be addressedas "differently hairy". Yul Brenner is dead. Telly Savalas could not bereached for comment. In deference to this widespread recession, the Bandnow forms a receding hairline and would like to play Kansas' Dust in theWind, but since that's a real bad idea, will instead play, for noparticular reason Gimme Some Lovin'. [Band forms a oval with miscies on top that slowly scatter as they play Gimme Some Lovin']In the last several weeks, Yale University has endured a strike bymembers of its support staff. Many Elis have risen up, refusing to crossthe picket lines and demanding a fair deal from the administration. In arisque move to enhance campus life Dean Jack Greenberg and ProvostJonathan Cole imported the strike to our campus. But, since this isColumbia...the students were apathetic. A recent poll reveals that manystudents think the strike is merely a continuation of the one started lastyear. The administration, on the other hand, is under the impression thatthey're just another student group begging for more money. The MarchingBand could not be reached for comment. In support of the workers, theBand now forms a scab and attempts to picket...as it plays what JonathanCole will be heard to say, (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction. [Band does this.]Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band plays our AlmaMater, Sans Souci. [Band holds formation and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]RUN AWAY!