1991-11-05 - Princeton
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite blatant aggression, the MostOppressed Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching PalestinianDelegation. [Fanfare]
J.Joe Schwartz - Head Negotiator
J.Rob Perle - Bulletproof Drum Major
J.Professor Leonard Jeffries - token radical, and
J.Harold T. Shapiro - conspicuously absent... [Fanfare]Welcomes itself back to cold, dark, dank, musty, in need ofrenovation, yet still, well, in need of renovation, Palmer Stadium wherewe're sure that the Lions will cross the bounds of good taste...if not thegoal line, the game will be as homogenous as the Princeton student body,and the score will be as low the number of Princeton women who actuallywant to be a member of an eating club. [Band marches in to Who Owns New York.]Despite its reputation, Ivy League football presents excitementand thrills not seen since Ronald Reagan's biopsy. While most schoolssign up anyone who can block, tackle and sign his name, the Ivy League hasmuch more stringent standards. A player must be able to block, tackle,sign his name, and afford $20,000.00 a year. While it is true the IvyLeaguers still count three Mississippi's before rushing the quarterback,that's because it's the only conference where everyone can count to three. Despite these setbacks, here's a list of current pro ball stars from theIvy League {pregnant pause}. Saluting this tradition of academicexcellence and athletic irreverence, the Band now forms an ivory tower andplays the theme song of the Ancient Eight, I Hear You Knocking, But YouCan't Come In. [Band does this. Exeunt.]HALFTIME
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Princeton students, back to spite thePrinceton Band, the Most Oppressive Band in the World, the ColumbiaUniversity Marching Banned in the U.S.A. [Fanfare]
J. Guns N' Roses - Using Their Illusion
J. R.E.M.. - Losing Their Religion, and
J. Princeton Band - Abusing their privates[Fanfare]...Presents an all-star musical tribute to the Princeton Band, theinspirational force behind the Bundy's: Al, Peg, Kelly, Bud...and Ted.[Band marches in to Who Owns New York.]Recently, it seems, environmental activists on the West Coast havestarted a struggle to save the delta smelt, a small freshwater fish foundonly in California. The Band, for one, is amazed that no one on the EastCoast is fighting for the survival of the native species of New Jersey,such as the honest politician, the three-eyed goldfish, and the big-hairedmall rat. We would, however, like to recognize the Princeton Band'scontribution to our environment in their recycling of all their old jokesabout New York City crime, Colombian cocaine, and Juan Valdez. In honorof their conservative efforts, the Band now forms a recycled joke andplays where all Princeton Band scripts should be left...Under the Sea.[Band forms a recycling symbol and plays Under the Sea.]During the short-lived keg ban at Old Nassau, President Harold T.Shapiro tried several schemes to enhance campus life. Pornographyadvocates Candida Royalle and Barbara Hammer, with generous funding fromthe Princeton administration, screened an eleven-week series of X-ratedporn clips free of charge. Five hundred eager students packed theauditorium. The Band, for one, has learned that many Princetonians areirate at the fact that the Princeton Band took all the seats and then leftthem sticky. T he Band now forms a porno film and plays what thePrinceton Drum Major was heard to say upon leaving the auditorium... (ICan't Get No) Satisfaction. [Band forms "XXX" and plays Satisfaction.]At this time, we would like to extend our sincerest thanks to ourgracious hosts, the Princeton Band. {Fanfare} At the same time, we wouldlike to extend our deepest sympathies to all of you who'll have to listento their show. After all, they dress like the Harvard Band, they act likethe Penn Band, they smell like the Dartmouth Band, and they sound like BonJovi. The Columbia Band now forms the Princeton Band and would like toplay Roar, Lion, Roar as a waltz, but since that leaves the Princeton Bandwith nothing to do, will instead play Wipeout. [Band does this.]Please rise for the Columbia Alma Mater, Sans Souci.[Band forms "CU" and plays Sans Souci. Fin.]This concludes the entertaining portion of today's halftime show. If youhappen to enjoy the upcoming presentation, that's because we've secretlyreplaced select members of the Princeton Band with Folger's Crystals.