1991-11-09 - Dartmouth
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite severe rigor mortis, the Stiffest Band in the Worldtm, the Columbia University Floating Body.
[Fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Funeral Director
J. Rob Perle - Coroner, and
J. Lawrence A. Wien - Dead.
[Fanfare]
...Washes itself ashore at cold, dark, desolate, spooky, dare we say haunted, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure that the Lions will mow down the Big Green, the game will be as close as Dartmouth students are to their pets, and the score will be as non-existent as virgin wool in Hanover.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]
The Band would like to take this opportunity to take one last parting shot, er, one last farewell to our hopefully graduating seniors. Please save all applause until all the names have been read:
Joe "nine condoms" Schwartz
Rob "whiplash" Perle
Lev "turtle-face" Gelb
Scott "fluff-boy" Pauls
Anna "All the blondes have left" Gebbie
Dave "They're at my place" Balch
Cheng "I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you" Dar-Yeng
Andrew "slayer" Sandoval-Strausz
Bruce "What other women?" Baird
Mark "repeat sax offender" Malinowski
Olivier "don't ever call me Oliver" Knox
Oliver "You can call me Oliver" Garcia
Dave "Woody Allen wannabee" Derro
Jake "Hey, that's me!" Novak, and last
Janet "Dammit" Alperstein
In deference to our matriculating seniors the Band now forms a slammed door and plays what prospective employers around the country will be heard to say...I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In.
[Band does this.]
Please rise, and join the Columbia University Marching Band in our National Anthem.
[Band grids up and plays The Star-Spangled Banner]
HALFTIME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite battling with paddles in a puddle in a bottle on the back of a poodle eating noodles, the Columbia University Marching Tweedle-Beetles.
[Fanfare]
J, Mr.Grinch - You're a cruel one
J. Fox in Socks - just socks, and
J. Horton - Omelettes, anyone?
[Fanfare]
..and featuring tuition on the rise, Realityfest flying high, and livestock running scared...presents an all-star musical salute to buildings, beer, and bovines.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York.]
Recently, it seems, yet another monument to the colossal ego of Morris A. Shapiro nears completion. However, not all donors are as narcissistic. For example, Jerome L. Greene, who renovated the dorm next to Wallach, thought it Hartley appropriate to attach his name to the building. Of course, many of the University's supporters think it's Avery good idea to have generations of Columbians Reid their names; in fact they Kent imagine a Whittier way to make sure they are remembered, as students continue to drag their names through the Mudd. Administrators continue to Dodge the issue, reminding students "Uris likely to do the same thing years from now, so Hewitt least should be more patient this Earl-y in life." The Band feels that Ferris fair, and there is much to be said for Booth sides of the argument. Not wishing to be a Fayerweather friend, the Band now forms a lock and key. and plays what Columbia Security says all too often, I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In.
[Band does this.]
While Dartmouth's football team is on the tap of the Ivy League, their skill Piels in comparison with their beer drinking, for which they take the Blue Ribbon. The Dartmouth Administration wants to nip this problem in the Bud, before it comes to a head, but it has barley made a dent. The Band, of Coors, doesn't wish to make Lite of this Brew-Ha-Ha, but clearly the team is ale-ing and Pabst its prime, and no one will be pickled in the N.F.L. draft. Concluding that Dartmouth is strictly fermental incompetents, the Band decides to send Hangover, New Hampshire some Alka-Seltzer, which we now form and, for consistency's sake, plays I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In. [Band does this.]
Not wanting to pull the wool over your eyes, we now would like to predict the outcome of the second half. The Big Green will become sheepish, and once cowed by the might of the Columbia Lions, will be on the lamb. Baaaah, you may say, the Dartmouth tea m is like a wolf in sheep's clothing and not about to become a mutton for punishment. We lambaste you neigh-sayers, as we are convinced that Dartmouth will become cattle-tonic and unable to moo-ve the ball. Having taken stock of the situation, the Band now prepares to get the flock out of here as it forms a pasture and plays, all together now, I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In.
[Band does this.]
Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band plays our Alma Mater, Sans Souci.
[Band holds formation and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]
RUN AWAY!