1991-11-16 - Cornell
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite gravity, the Most AerodynamicBand in the World tm, the Columbia University Marching Air TrafficControllers. [Fanfare]
J. Joe Schwartz - Pilot
J. Rob Perle - Copilot
J. Wright Brothers - Where were you when we needed you, and
J. Doctor Kavorkian - Ditto[Fanfare]...Welcomes itself back to cold, dark, Romanesque, subterranean, yetstill gorgeous, Schoellkopf Field, where we're sure that the Lions willchew up the Big Red, the game will be as significant as a Cornell degree,and the score will be as low as the temperature in this god-forsakenplace. [Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]The most common complaint at Cornell is that students have atendency to feel cooped up. University President Frank H.T. Rhodes, neverone to be goosed into action, is trying to duck responsibility byputting all his eggs in one basket and stating that "I wish the studentswould quit these flights of fancy and stop counting their chickens beforethey're hatched. After all, we're all birds of a feather here." Thestudents respond in kind claiming that Mr. Rhodes is simply winging it. The Band now concludes its salute to the noble bird, which it now forms,and plays what Saint Peter was heard to say to the latest Cornell studentwho tried to fly the coop...I Hear You Knocking (But You Can't Come In).[Band does this. Run away!]HALFTIME
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Cornell students, back despite a nastyhangover, the Most Inebriated Band in the World, the Columbia UniversityMarching Alcoholics. [Fanfare]
J. Jack Daniels - Head Manager
J. Jim Beam - Spirit Manager
J. Johnny Walker - Spiritual Advisor, and
J. Ezra Cornell - Dead[Fanfare]..and featuring Western culture versus agriculture...presents anall-star musical tribute to Cornell...the Midwest of the Ivy League. [Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York.]Since the advent of the phrase "Sanitized for your protection,"students of Cornell's School of Hotel Administration have given rise tomany innovations in the industry such as the vibrating bed, mirroredceilings, and the cheesy lounge act. With hospitality not seen sinceJeffrey Dahmer, Cornell Graduates around the world fetch luggage, shineshoes, and mold little bars of soap. The Band, for one, would like totake this opportunity to salute these enterprising Cornell Alumni foravoiding the fate of 90% of their fellow graduates, who pass their dayasking strangers questions such as "Buddy, can you spare a dime?", "Leadedor Unleaded?" and "Would you like fries with that?" The Band now formsthe Trump Tower and plays what The Donald was heard to say after Ivana walked out...(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.[Band does this.]At this point in the show, we wanted to write a joke aboutCornell's notoriously gorgeous scenery, but our censors, the Deans. wouldnever fall for something that low. Not wanting to take the plunge andoffend anyone, the Band decided to drop the matte r due to the gravity ofthe situation. We would instead, like to thank the Deans for pulling usback from the edge of the abyss and jump ahead to the next song by a manwho really knows how to get down...I Got You (I Feel Good). [Band amorphs and plays that James Brown classic.]We would like to take this opportunity to thank our gracioushosts, the Cornell Band. After all, what other campus group's initiationinvolves the phrases "On your knees", "Grab your ankles", "kumquat", and"Thank you sir, may I have another?" The Band, for one, finds it ironicthat the Cornell Band struggles so to achieve heights of perfection whenits surroundings are so, well, low. Always one to encourage the pursuitof excellence, the Columbia Band would like to introduce our Cornellcounterparts to the sport destined to become a smash hit...cordlessbungee jumping. In honor of bungee jumping, the Band now forms a smashhit and would like to play You Keep Me Hanging On, but since we lost thesheet music to that years ago, we will instead play, Wipeout. [Band amorphs and plays Wipeout.]Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band plays our Alma Mater,Sans Souci. [Band forms a 'C' and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]If you happen to enjoy the upcoming display, that's because theCornell Band is sponsored by Maxwell House...good to the last drop.