1991-11-23 - Brown
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite the fact we've been here before, the Most Learned Band in the Worldtm, the Columbia University Marching Scholars. [Fanfare]
J. (Head Manager) - Phi Beta Kappa Head Manager
J. (Drum Major) - Rhodes scholar Drum Major, and
J. Bruno - Rhode Island - - -
[Fanfare]
...Welcomes itself back to, yet still mediocre, Brown Stadium, where we're sure that the Lions' mass movement will leave a Brown stain on the carpet, the game will be as significant as a Brown degree, and the score will be as low as the number of Brown graduates who will actually be offered a job.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]
Recently, it seems, the Columbia campus has been rocked by a strike by District 65 of the United Autoworker's Union. Not wanting to be taken for granite, the workers have been chipping away at the cornerstone of the University's proposal, an insistence that they are on rocky financial ground. Due to this ... the Band has learned the importance of good labor relations and has decided to salute our future employees, the Brown student body, as it forms a paycheck and would like to play Queen's We Will Rock You, but since that's out of the question, will instead play what all Brown graduates will hear when applying for a job...I Hear You Knocking (But You Can't Come In).
[Band does this.]
Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brown students, back despite holdups, the Perkiest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Athletic Supporters.
[Fanfare]
J. Betsey Fike - Brand-spanking new Head Manager. Cross my heart.
J. Paul Bua - Maidenform Drum Major
J. Vartan Gregorian - Dying, and
J. Brown Football - Dead.
[Fanfare]
...welcomes itself back to cold, small, average, yet still winless, Brown stadium...and featuring political correctness on the rise, academic standards on the decline, and the Brown Football team on the bathroom wall...presents an all-star musical salute to mediocrity everywhere... especially in Providence.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York.]
On a fateful day in 1764, John Carter Brown woke up on the wrong side of bed, stubbed his toe, and coughed up Brown University, a school dedicated to open doors, open standards, and (pregnant pause) coeds. Following such an auspicious beginning, things could only go down from there. John D. Rockefeller built a library dedicated to academic excellence, but, it soon fell a few notches. It seems, that the chief engineer, like everyone else at Brown, had forgotten about books. Citing its recent successes in South Africa and in the Soviet Union, the Brown Economics Department received control of the local banks and promptly drove them into the ground...which, incidentally, should manage to keep the library from sinking anymore. The Band now forms a sinking library and plays a song by a man who really knows how to get down...I Got You (I Feel Good).
[Band does this.]
Recently, it seems, amateur filmmaking has become quite a popular pastime here at Brown. However, it also seems, Brown coeds made their own big break into the movies...unbeknownst to them. Always ones to come before their time, members of the popular fraternity Beta have voted to change its letters to V.H.S. and its motto to "Vidi, Vici, Veni, Video" which roughly translates to "I saw, I conquered, I came, and I got it all on tape!" Not wishing to put its eight inches on eight millimeter, the Band i nstead forms it, and would like to play Duran Duran's Girls on Film, but since that's out of the question, will instead play what Brown coeds are repeatedly heard to say...(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[Band does this.]
And now a word from our sponsors:
This halftime show is brought to you by Sony Camcorders -- the personal cameras that go anywhere and do anything you do! Now you can capture your moments of greatest happiness and excitement and still enjoy peace of mind. For over seven years Sony has been the brand Americans trust most. That's because each and every Sony camcorder is electronically tested to ensure its safety, reliability, and sensitivity to all types of images. And scientific tests have proven that use of a Sony Camcorder can pr event the ravages of Statically Transmitted Distortion, or "STD." For your convenience, each camera is individually packaged in its own waterproof latex carrying case with extra-tough lens cap. For extra protection, try our new Rough-Rider case with shock-absorbing ribs and anti-static foam lining. For those of you with longer shots to cover, we offer the Magnum Extra-long Zoom Lens with a special Infrared Tip for dark rooms. Sony -- when you want to play, tape it the safe way!
The band now forms a flying erase head and plays what we hear all too often from those who use the leading brand -- I Can't Get No Satisfaction.
[The Band DOES IT.]
Brown has all too often been berated for its low academic standards. The students, however, furiously defend their mediocrity citing rigorous pass-fail seminars in midget tossing, dwarf bowling, napkin folding and basket weaving. The Band, for one, finds it ironic that at this institute of higher learning the most common answers to the question "Who wrote Plato's Republic?" were "Socrates", "Danielle Steele", and "Huh?" The Band would like to salute Brown's academic excellence, but since that's also out of the question, will instead shake its head sadly, play our Alma Mater Sans Souci, and leave before the Brown Band bores us to death.
[Band forms a "C" and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]
{POST-CENSORED SCRIPT-CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE??}
HALFTIME
{Note: There is no pregame show due to an event planned by the Brown administration.}
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brown students, back despite holdups, the Perkiest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Athletic Supporters. [Fanfare]
J. Betsey Fike - Brand-spanking new Head Manager. Cross my heart
J. Paul Bua - Maidenform Drum Major
J. Vartan Gregorian - Dying, and
J. Brown Football - Dead.
[Fanfare]
...welcomes itself back to cold, small, average, yet still winless, Brown stadium...and featuring political correctness on the rise, academic standards on the decline, and the Brown Football team on the bathroom all...presents an all-star musical salute to mediocrity everywhere...especially in Providence.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York.]
On a fateful day in 1764, John Carter Brown woke up on the wrong side of bed, stubbed his toe, and coughed up Brown University, a school dedicated to open doors, open standards, and {pregnant pause} coeds. Following such an auspicious beginning, thing s could only go down from there. John D. Rockefeller built a library dedicated to academic excellence, but, it soon fell a few notches. It seems, that the chief engineer, like everyone else at Brown, had forgotten about books. Citing its recent successes in South Africa and in the Soviet Union, the Brown Economics Department received control of the local banks and promptly drove them into the ground...which, incidentally, should manage to keep the library from sinking anymore. The Band now forms a sinking library and plays a song by a man who really knows how to get down...I Got You (I Feel Good).
[Band does this.]
Recently, it seems, amateur filmmaking has become quite a popular pastime here at Brown. However, it also seems, Brown coeds made their own big break into the movies...unbeknownst to them. Always ones to come before their time, members of the popular fraternity Beta have voted to change its letters to V.H.S. and its motto to "Vidi, Vici, Veni, Video" which roughly translates to "I saw, I conquered, I came, and I got it all on tape!" Not wishing to put its eight inches on eight millimeter, the Band i nstead forms it, and would like to play Duran Duran's Girls on Film, but since that's out of the question, will instead play what Brown coeds are repeatedly heard to say...(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[Band does this.]
And now a word from our sponsors:
This halftime show is brought to you by Sony Camcorders -- the official camera of Delta Tau Delta. These personal cameras can go anywhere and do anything you do, only better! Not only can you capture life's most climactic moments, you can also relive those little ups and downs in life with your friends, family, dates' families...and frat brothers for years to come. For over seven years Sony has been the brand Americans trust most...famous Americans...Rob Lowe, for instance. That's because each and every Sony camcorder is electronically tested to ensure its safety, reliability, and sensitivity to all positions. Sony -- when your playing time goes into...extra innings, our performance will come through. The band now forms a videotape and plays w hat we hear all too often from those who let these fleeting moments slip by -- (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[Band does this.]
Brown has all too often been berated for its low academic standards. The students, however, furiously defend their mediocrity citing rigorous pass-fail seminars such as basket-weaving, keg tapping, napkin folding and the ever popular "Your Friend the Telephone." The Band, for one, finds it ironic that at this supposed institute of higher learning the most common answers to the question "Who wrote Plato's Republic?" were "Socrates", "Danielle Steele", and "Huh?" The Band would like to salute Brown's academic excellence, but since that's also out of the question, will instead shake its head sadly, play our Alma Mater Sans Souci, and leave before the Brown Band bores us to death.
[Band forms a "C" and plays Sans Souci. Exeunt.]