1992-09-18 - Harvard
In The Beginning (Pre-Game)
Ladies and Gentlemen (and Crimson letter-men)... The cleverest band in the World, Columbia University Blue Travellers...
[fanfare]
J. Betsey Fike, Melancholy Head Manager,
J. Paul Bue, Inconsolable Drum Major,
J. Laurie Coyle, Miserable Personnel Manager, and
J. Harvard Night Life -- SAD.
[fanfare]
...welcomes itself back to doleful, depressing, despondent, downtrodden, gutbucket steepy, and oh-so-indigo Baker Field, where we're sure the game will be close than two tears from a one-eyed man and the score will be lower than a snake's belly button in Death Valley.
[March out to "Who Owns New York." Amorph like the wind.]
Recently, it seems, the Band has noticed a deluge of bargain-priced Woody Allen tapes at the local video store. In the wake of his recent family scandal, we think it's wonderful that Mr. Allen's films are still so popular. Some of the titles include HUSBANDS AND DAUGHTERS, CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS, TAKE THE DAUGHTER AND RUN, A MISDUMMER SEX COMEDY, MIA AND HER DAUGHTERS, and everyone's favorite, SLEEPER. Unfortunately, the Band has also learned that Woody has decided to ride out the bad publicity by going into seclusion. During his absence, the films Woody Allen current has in production will be finished by stand-in director ROB LOWE.
In reminiscence of another Woordy Allen classic, the Band now forms a map of Manhattan and plays "Gimme Some Lovin'."
[Band forms an Amorph with bridges and plays GSL, con molto video.]
RIght in the Middle of Everything (Halftime)
Ladies and Gentlemen (and you suckers who actually get PAID to get in today), the Cleverst Band in the World, the Columbia University Winded Symphony...
[fanfare]
J. Mario Cuomo -- Cutting the ribbon for Schapiro
J. George Bush -- Cut to ribbons by Clinton
J. Norm Peterson -- Cutting the ribeye at the Hungry Heifer
and
J. Mark Malinowski -- Ribbin' the cutters at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine
[fanfare]
...welcomes itself back after two 15-minute quarters that SEEMED a lot LONGER than that. In fact, if we studied the way they play football, it would take 25 years to graduate from Columbia! But seriously, folks...
[March in to "Who Owns." Band forms nondeterministic chaos pattern #69F.]
At this time the band would like to extend its warmest welcome to Princess Di of the United Kingdom, who, as rumor has it, may soon join us here in New York for a spell. It seems that Di caught Princess Charles HORSING AROUND, and realized that her relationship with the Royal STUD was just not STABLE. She grew tiring of JOCKEYING for position in Royal politics, the constant attempts to HARNESS her influence, and the whole BIT. But rather than STIRRUP controversy by TROTTING him off to divorce court, she gave up her REIN as Princess and likewise said "NAY" to her BRIDLE vows so she could HOOF IT to Americaas soon as possible. Her first stop will be in FILLY, the she will move permanently to New York. Our GALLUP poll of Columbia students show that 69% of the respondents feel that Di should get BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN, while the remainder believe that her separation from Charles is a situaiton in which no one will WIN.. PLACE, OR SHOW.
As Lady Di boards her transatlantic Concorde flight for the City of Brotherly Love, the Band plays "Across the Sea" and reveals her most private daydream by forming a polo mallet and Prince Charles' head.
[Band forms a wonker and a wanker and plays "Under the Sea."]
Unfortunately, we have another piece of bad news to share with you. It was announced that the Man of Steel, Superman himself, is on his deathbed. What could possibly kill a man who is faster than a speeding bullet and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound? Mad Scientist Lex Luthor was unavailable for comment, but his lab assistant, Dr. Ken Hechtman, was heard muttering something about glowing green rocks under the bed of Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent. It would appear the Superman's condition is unrelated to the recent deaths of fellow Superfriends Robin, the Flash, and Supergirl; however, we have discovered that D.C. Comics has acquired the rights toa new character called TROJAN MAN, who will accompany D.C. Superheroes from now on during all their... adventures.
This joke has been brought to you by our good friends at the Campus Crusade for Condoms. As a public service for those of you on the Harvard side of the field, the band now forms a letter "T" for "Troj-enz" and plays that perennial favorite, I HEAR YOU KNOCKING BUT YOU CAN'T COME IN.
[Band forms a T for the Harvard twits and plays "knocking" with enthusiasm and vigor, as if for the very first time. Run away.]