1992-10-24 - Yale
Pregame-arama
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Yale Students, the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching 137.
[Fanfare]
J. Sean Daly A co-manager whose Satanic
J. Paul Bua A drum major who's Titanic, and
J. J. Danforth Quayle as President Panic!
[Fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to circular, simplistic, subterranean, yet still in New Haven, Yale Bowl, where were sure that the yogurt will be the highest form of culture, baloney with Mayo on white is the state food, and the marching band will be fighting off Yalies trying to defect to a real city.
[Band stumbles in to Who Owns]
Recently it seems, national protests have erupted in the wake of Columbus day: not since Howdy Doody has so much evil been blamed on one bumbling idiot. Thinking he was in India (... on the other side of the earth ...) Columbus unwittingly founded the first Club Med on North American soil. While students protested en masse at Columbia, Yalies didn't seem to react to the event, confused at the stir being created over some city in Ohio they had never even seen. The Band now forms the mast of the Santa Maria, from which Columbus launched 500 years of genocide, oppression, and Aunt Edna's nasty cranberry sauce at your Thanksgiving dinner, and plays what that wacky explorer did to indigenous American culture, WIPEOUT!
[Band does this and the runs away to safety]
Half and Half -time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and even your Bulldog, presenting the most Kafkaesque Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Vermin.
[Fanfare]
J. Yale Faculty Pedantic
J. Yale Cheerleaders Pedestrian
J. Yale Marching Band Pedophiles
[Fanfare]
Featuring Yale without a President, New Haven without civilization, and Yalies without a chance of surviving if they haven't purchased a bullet-proof vest from the bookstore yet.
Recently it seems, Yale has been trying to find a replacement for their last president, who not only resigned but immediately fled to the more culturally developed state of Kentucky. Yale has leaked the news that even New York's Mario Cuomo is being considered among the 200 possible replacements. When asked, Mario's spokespersons said that he had no interest in laving New York for New Haven, the biggest gaping ax wound of a city this side of Princeton. Yalies are thus turning their eyes to Lame Duck George Bush. Despite George's record as the education president, the Band thinks Yale's educational standards can only get better. The band now forms a rejection letter with flowing script and plays what Yale will be saying when all 200 candidates decline the offer to preside over Yale, I Can't Get No Satisfaction.
[Band forms this and plays that]
Speaking of candidates, it seems every candidate in this year's presidential election has something to do with Yale. Bush and Clinton went there, Quayle rhymes with Yale, and Gore... has the same number of letters. In contrast, none of them went to Columbia, another reason for us to be proud. However, each of the Democratic candidates does have some connection with our Alma Mater. Bill Clinton once tried out on sax for the Columbia University Marching Band, but was rejected for being too good. And while Al Gore has never actually been on campus, he and Tipper like to shop for hip-hop records in Harlem. Saluting the Democratic Ticket, the band now forms an ballot lever and plays what both men heard when they applied to Columbia, "I Hear You Knocking, Bbut You Can't Come In."
[Band forms a "lever" which "turns" and plays that dern song again]
As you all know, two Alumni of the Yale Hyperanal Crack Precision Marching Band were united in the holy bonds of matrimony during a recent halftime show. We can't help but wonder what extenuating circumstances brought about such a hasty wedding that they couldn't even wait till after the game. However, we happen to think it's so damn cute that two of our own members have also decided to express their desire to be united in front of a throng of drunken freshpeople. Please congratulate ______ and _____, who will now be married, consummate their wedding, and be divorced all within the span of the traditional celebratory song, Have A Negeilah (And a Smile)
[Same-sex marriage. Commence Hava; Hora ensues as couple are lifted by the frolicking miscies. They are lowered and covered with a blanket to begin... fighting with Wiffle-Ball bats.]