1992-10-31 - Princeton
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Princeton students, back despite polls showing Bush and Clinton in heat ... whoops! in a dead heat, the most politically erect band in the world, the Columbia University Marching No New Taxes.
[Fan fir]
J. Paul Bua - Drum Major
J. James Stoterau - Dance Major
and J. Dan Quayle - Major Dunce
[Fan fair]
Welcomes itself and its alumni back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, bulimic, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium, where we're sure that we'll cross the bounds of good taste... if not the goal line, the game will be as homogeneous as the Princeton student body, and the score will be as low as the price of those stylin' marching band t-shirts, secretly on sale underneath the stands at an undisclosed location far from section G.
[Band bravely crawls army-style onto the field, despite armored opposition, while flak erupts in the sky in accompaniment to 'Who owns']
Dan Quayle visited Morningside Heights once, and he's still trying to figure out who's buried in Grant's tomb. Quayle was recently asked what he would do if his own daughter decided she wanted to go to Barnard. Quayle responded that he would try to talk her out of it, but admitted that in the end he might relent. That is, until Mrs. Quayle told him to change his mind, which is sort of like telling Michael Sovern to change his hairstyle. As for President Bush, during one of his collegiate baseball games, he went 0 for 4 with 2 errors. After which, he told the coach what a good game he had. The band now forms and plays Dan Quayle's college GPA, under the C.
[Band amorphs (but cleverly) and plays that damn song again, sweetly]
Please rise and join the Columbia University Marching Band in our National Anthem.
[Band delivers a lovely and flawless rendition of aforementioned ditty]
HALFTIME
Ladies and gentlemen, Goblins and Ghouls, back despite last week's halftime show, the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University marching October Surprise.
[Fang Fayre]
J. George Bush - passing out excuses
J. Ross Perot - passing out money
and J. Columbia University Marching Band - passing out
[phan phaire]
And featuring Columbia Leaning to the Left, Princeton leaning to the right, and the American Electorate standing up and sitting on the fence, presents an all star gala salute to Lions, Tigers, and Donkeys and Elephants . . . Oh my!
[Who Owns]
Today is All Hallow's Eve, the dreaded day when the dead rise form the grave and take the field in the form of the Princeton University Marching Band, only to be beaten back into the ground by a marauding band of intoxicated Smurfs. Every year on this day, the sun seems to shine a little brighter, the players try just a little harder, Mike Sovern's smile and scalp are just a little shinier, the fans cheer just a little louder, and the Princeton Band's uniforms are just . . . a little louder, But seriously, the CUMB would like to thank the Princeton Band as the source of most of the material in this show and for taking such a fashion risk in these high-pressure socially conscious times. To express our gratitude, the band now forms our social conscience and plays, for reasons which it is beyond the scope of this show to explain, I hear you knockin', but you can't come in.
[Band does this and plays that]
Princeton was founded in 1746 by Puritans who will still flushed with success of the Salem Witch Trials. They set out to establish a beacon of truth and light, and today Princeton stands as the cultural and intellectual Mecca of central southern New Jersey. The school, however, has a reputation that discourages many artists from attending. F. Scott Fitzgerald, for example, entered there an aspiring writer and left an alcoholic wifebeater, who married a madwoman, and died an expatriate in an uncivilized land ... Newark. In honor of this and the other myriad achievements that made Princeton recognized indisputably as one of New Jersey's Universities, the Band now forms a beacon of truth and light and plays what F Scot Fitzgerald was often heard to say. . . Gimmie Some Lovin'.
Please rise and join the CUMB in our Alma Mater, Zanz Zouchi. Le Hats Off!
{other options:}
back despite student union polity's trickle down funding of student groups, the Columbia university marching 16-13
Featuring Alumni kiddies bobbing for apples, Bob Abrams kidding about fascists, and Fat Albert preparing to buy NBC