1992-11-07 - Dartmouth

PREGAME

Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite fearing for our lives, the most legally protected Band in the World, the Columbia University marching Plaintiffs

[Fanfare]

J. Ross Perot - My what big ears you have
J. Gennifer Flowers - My what big . . . eyes you have
J. George Bush - My what big lies you tell

[Fanfare]

Welcomes itself back to conservative, cold, cultureless, conservative, cruel, yet still conservative Memorial field at Dartmouth University, where we're sure that the Lions will get your goat, the game will be as close as the electoral college, and the score will be as low as the price of tear gas on sale throughout the game underneath the stands in section G.

[Band runs out to who owns, constantly eyeing the sidelines in order to make their rapid getaway]

Recently it seems, New Hampshire revised its state motto. Apparently the time-honored slogan "Live free or Die" was deemed too harsh for the kinder, gentler post-cold war climate of the New World Order. Dartmouth's own students have suggested such cand idates as:

"GAS-FOOD-LODGING"
"The next best thing to Canada... or at least the thing next to Canada"
"What you call Hell, we call home"
"At least we're not in New Haven"
"You've got an outstanding traffic violation in New Hampshire"
"Next culture 50 miles"
"Are we there yet?"
"Try our famous sheepkabob"
"New Hampshire: colder than your Grandmother"
"No Shoes no Shirt no Service no Sheep"

In other Granite State News, New Hampshire will garner even more electoral votes in '96 now that each snowman will be counted as 3/5 of a person. The Band now forms the [famous mountain range in NH] and plays what we'll say when we get to leave in one piece, I Feel Cold

[Band accurately depicts the (so and so) mountains to scale and plays James Brown's I Fell Good]

Run Away......

HALFTIME

Ladies and Gentlemen, and Dartmouth Students, back despite a horde of angry students charging at you right now... Just kidding, Band; anyway, if you thought our pregame was funny, we're sure our halftime show will be a riot.

[FrightenedFanfare]

J. Guns and Roses - Welcome to the jungle
J. George Bush - A Welcome Departure
J. Hanover, New Hampshire - Welcome to hell; here's your accordion

[Fan Fare]

And Featuring Dartmouth Students on the lam[b], Sadaam Hussein still in office, and George Bush riding off into the sunset, presents a probing veterinary analysis of the final domino to fall: American conservatism.

[Band marches on FROM THE SOUTH END ZONE to who owns]

In a recent interview, Matt Groening, creator of the SIMPSONS, admitted that his entire program is actually a political allegory of the Republican Party. Some of the similarities revealed are:


The band now forms Jesse Helm's family tree and plays the political orientation of Dartmouth's student body, All Right Now.

[Band does this rapidly while safely protected in a Sherman Tank]

Since their embarrassing defeat at the polls this week, Republicans have already begun speculating on Quayle's chances in '96. When asked what Dan will do now that he's out of office, he replied, "I'm a-goin' to Disneyworld!" And, finally, since this may be our last chance to make a Quayle joke for the next four years, the band now forms Marylin's horrendous overbite and plays the grade we and the American People gave the Bush-Quayle administration, under the Sea.

[Band forms a C- and plays that]

Please rise for the Columbia University Alma Mater, Zans Zouci