1992-11-14 - Cornell
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentelmen, back despite midterms, the cleverest band in the world, the Columbia University marching Band.
J. Chris Wiggins - Head Manager
J. Paul Bua - Drum Major
and J. James Stoderau - Dance Major
Welcomes itself back to beautiful (etc.) where we’re sure that the game will be as meaningful as a cornell degree and the score will be as close as Cornell is to anything.
And, in case you haven’t seen the posters, the latest round in the JSUBSO soap opera is in full effect. BSO is celebrating the anniversary of Kristallnacht by inviting Khalid Mohammad, minister of information for the nation of Islam. JSU’s own contribu tion to race relations week was a protest at the sundial. A larger counter protest is expected soon, since the BSO is very concerned about its first amendment rights, there hasn’t been a good effigy burning since Columbus Day, and most importantly, Ben Je alous’s Midterms are over. [The CCSC proposed to react, but decided to stick with rigid tradition and merely counter each other’s proposals for two hours.] The CCSC did decide to invite Elie Wiesel to campus as soon as possible after Mohammad, a move exp ected to be almost as effective as placing the Hartley Kosher deli as close as possible to the Malcom X lounge. The band now salutes race relations week by playing James Brown’s I Feel Good, to be followed as soon as possible by Hava Nageliah.
HALFTIME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite that burning sensation, the most three-dimensional band in the world, the Columbia university marching hallucination.
J. John Reeves, Athletic Director
J. BSO, 1st Amendment Supporter
J. Neil Turitz, Athletic Supporter
Featuring tuition on the rise, realityfest flying high, and the band clad in those stylin’ hand-tailored marching band t-shirts, on sale throughout the game, presents an all star gala salute to campus life at columbia and the lack of intelligent life at cornell.
As you may know, in merely a few hours, Ferris Booth hall will suddenly lift off the ground, levitating six or seven miles in the air in the annual multimedia psychedelic extravaganza known as REALITYFEST. Coincidentally, this is also CAVA's annual busiest night of the year. In order to lessen the number of calls to 99 this evening, the Band would like to remind you that CAVA does not actually carry drugs on them. This year's infotainment will include Allen Guinsberg, the Too Skinnee J's and new rooms such as the RELIGION ROOM. The band for one, thinks a RELIGION room would be superfluous, since, if the party is anything like last year's, many partygoes will already be worshipping the altar of the porcelain god in the BATH room. Although the event used to be associated with drug use, current coordinators assure us that no drug use is encouraged in any way. {pause} Yeah. {pause}
The band now forms a mushroom and plays what most partygoers will say to CAVA, I Feel so Good, but why are you melting you silly lizard?
Carl Sagan is famous for explaining science in terms that the average second-grader can understand. That’s why he teaches at Cornell. Although he normally shuns media attention, Dr. Sagan has has gone public with the scenario of nuclear winter, in which the world would be covered in darkness, sub-zero temperatures, hurricanes, tornadoes, and up to fifty feet of snow -- just like Ithaca in early August. We agree that nuclear winter would be an unthinkable horror - - after all, with all that snow, think of the lift lines at Lake Placid. Shivering at the thought, the band chills out by forming a blizzard and playing Winter Wonderland.
One of our favorite activities during our annual confrontation with the Big Red has been lambasting the Cornell band. But this year, we’ve had change of heart. Rather than insult them, we decided that today we would salute fascist, straight-laced, anal-retentive, tedious, Midwestern-style marching bands everywhere, and present, for your entertainment, the elite, high-stepping’, Hammer-timin’, long-practicin’, down with O.P.P.’n’, too-legit-to-be-quittin’, precision Marching Corps of the Columbia University Marching Band!
[Band lines up on the 30’s, three members goose-step to the 50 to a drum a drum cadence]
The Corps now goes into their first formation . . . a line.
{pause for applause}
Ain’t it beautiful folks? Their second formation . . . a triangle.
{ditto}
And for their third, fantastically precise, precision formation, the letter C. The rest of the Band now joins the elite Corps in this formation and plays our Alma Mater, Sans Souci.
[Band does this. Run Away]