1992-11-21 - Brown
PREGAME
Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite visible panty lines, the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia university marching transvestites
J. Interstate 95 Goes Both Ways
J. David Bowie Goes Both Ways
J. Des Werthman Goes Both Ways
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bulimic, bisexual, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium, where we’re sure the game will be as action-packed as Providence, the score will be as low as Cornell after last week’s loss, and the result will be as significant as a Brown Diploma.
Recently it seems, president-elect Bill Clinton has promised to repeal the Ban on homosexuals in the military. In fact, he has decided to repeal all of the events of the last twelve years. Thus, the LA riots never happened, Krista McAuliffe is still intact, "The Dukes of Hazard" is on Friday nights, all of you Columbia Women are now Barnard students, the national deficit is a svelte $2 trillion and David Lee Roth is back in Van Halen. (Phew) Saluting NASA and its bold sense of exploration, the band now forms the challenger 7 and plays its location, under the sea
Please rise for our national anthem
HALFTIME
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brown Students, back despite the Brown Band, the most sexually confusing band in the world, the Columbia university pass/fail marching sight gag
J James Stoderau and J Patrick Lambert: new and improved head managers
J Chris Wiggins and J Sean Daly: old and decrepit head managers
and J Neil Turtz: can’t write his way out of a paper bag. Sucka.
And featuring tuition on the rise, Brown’s library on the decline, and the Bears about to go into hibernation, presents an all star gala salute to things dead and dying everywhere
As you may know, yesterday marks the release of Spike Lee’s mega-epic, "X." Hoping to promote Malcom’s legacy and message, Spike made the movie over 3 hours long. Hoping to boost sales of Spike Stuff, he also placed subliminal messages advertising Spike items throughout the film. And thus although no one may be able to remember just what Malcom stood for after the movie, we’re sure they’ll all know where to get those X hats. Saluting famous dead people everywhere, the band now forms Lawrence A Wien and Plays for no reason at all, I can’t get no satisfaction.
Ferris Booth Hall, named after a famous dead person, is one of the most famous of the many decrepit and dying things on campus. Recently it was revealed that the building is in fact unsafe for students. In fact, student employees are predicting a fatality before the Administration takes note of or sets foot in FBH. Thus, the Ferris Booth Hall advisory board has decided to Change the name from the FBH Student Life Center to the Student Death Center. Larger groups are being moved for safety to other Columbia buildings. FBH is expected to move the Band, for example, to the Audubon Ballroom just in time for its demolition. The band now forms the faulty wiring in FBH, complete with sparks, and plays what we expect to happen to the building at any minute, wipeout.
And finally, we’d like to celebrate Thanksgiving by saying hasta lambada to our departing seniors. Please congratulate the best bunch of seniors since last year:
Scott "Shiksas are just for practice" Levine
Sean "You suck" Daly
Chris "You all suck" Wiggins
Ken "Shrapnel" Aaron
Paul "I can too get it up" Bua
Dave "99’s a joke" Weinrich
Ezra "Bat Guano" Kenigsburg
Larry "Got some bad news, Mom" Abraham
Fran "Mallrat" Loftus
Danielle "Superfly" Halcom
Filipe "Pom poms, whips, and chains" Hernandez
Rit "so much for my political career" Aggravate-all
Daryl "Rit’s Friend" Taylor
Andy "Glockenspiel section leader" Stuart
Betsey "Fly girl" Fike
Diego "Yo soy un hombre sincero" Hoic
Joe "band cleric" Lazlo
and of course, departing 12-year senior, Michael "cueball" Sovereign
Saluting all our departing friends, the band now forms Mike Sovern’s head, tuned on its side, and plays our alma mater. Hats off!