1993-09-25 - Fordham
Pregame Extravaganza
LIZ: Ladies and gentlemen, and Fordham "students," back despite getting $7000 in our USO allocation...
AIDAN: (which is more than just about anybody else got),
LIZ: the Cleverest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching This IS How We Spent Our Money...
[fanfare]
LIZ:
J. Kathy Wrightson - getting it between the eyes
J. Patrick Lambert - getting it from Alexis and
J. J. Stoterau - getting it...well not really
[fanfare]
LIZ: welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bulimic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure you'll enjoy this reversal of history as the Lions are thrown to the Christians, defeat is rammed down Fordham's throat and the score is almost as low as the price of hip, chic, and oh-so-stylin' Marching Band T-shirts, on sale somewhere near Section G in the stands.
[March in to Who Owns]
LIZ: Recently it seems -- nearly 2500 years ago -- the civilization of the ancient Greeks was a model of civic pride and cooperation. Oh sing, goddess, of the glorious days when wine flowed in the streets and men left unsolicited offerings upon the door steps of their neighbors! Yea, it was not uncommon for bands of roving youths to get up early in the morning to paint the houses of the town, free of charge, and without even being asked. Praise, goddess, those who keep that tradition alive even to this day!
AIDAN: You know, people think of the Greeks as a bunch of dead white males...
LIZ: ...Yeah, we can only wish. Anyway, paying homage to the Greeks' contributions to the arts, including poetry, sculpture and painting, the Band will now form as much of the Greek alphabet as it can, and play "Wipeoff!"
[Etc. etc. etc. con molto surfito]
LIZ: Please rise, as the Band performs our National Anthem.
[Banner]
Halftime
LIZ: Ladies and Gentlemen, back despite menopause, the Crankiest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band...
AIDAN: The darned thing's got WINGS!!!
[fanfare]
LIZ:
J. James Stoterau - bloated Head Manager
J. Patrick Lambert - loaded Head Manager and
J. Kathy Wrightson - doubled over in pain
[fanfare]
AIDAN: and featuring moody Lions and bloody Christians...
LIZ: Presents an all-star gala salute to January, February, March, April . . .
AIDAN: Well, we missed April.
LIZ: Whew, I was worried. Let's talk about something else.
["March" in to Who Owns]
LIZ: Recently, it seems, the campus was shocked by an armed robbery attempt at the Columbia University Bookstore, however, the caper was foiled when the three bungling burglars were asked to check their weapons at the door. Police later identified the suspect s as former Columbia College dean Jack Greenberg, former assistant provost of student life Gerald Lowrey, and Provost Jonathan Cole. Apparently the trio had fallen upon hard times after George Rupp's administrative holocaust last June. Fortunately, the bookstore staff had the necessary training and experience to protect the store's cash.
AIDAN: Yeah, they know all about robbery. In honor of this triumph of justice, the Band now forms a Saturday Night Special and plays the theme from Peter Gunn.
[Band does this] LIZ: Recently it seems that University administrators, noting the voluntary evacuation of rats from the basement, have revealed that Furnald Hall is on the verge of collapse. This puts Furnald among the ranks of Shapiro, Wien and River on the University's "look out below" list. While plans are underway to renovate the building after the academic year has been completed, University Residence Halls has compiled a list of warning signals for the common student to look for in case more immediate repairs may be necessary:
If you go to sleep in your room and wake up on Furnald Lawn,
If you discover that your room has a new skylight,
If you can cook on the flames shooting out of the walls,
If the guy from upstairs drops in for a visit,
or If you notice your family of cockroaches moving back to River,
then you have a problem and should contact Dean Fenlon at extension 4-3225 for immediate assistance. In honor of the poor suckers stuck in Furnald, the Band now plays their anthem and forms the building as it finally collapses...c'mon, sing along, you know the words..."Furnald hall is falling down, falling down, falling down. Take a match and burn it down, my dorm Furnald."
[Band plays London Bridge as the stadium resonates with boisterous singing]
LIZ: Recently it seems that in hopes of increasing student-professor interaction, the Columbia College administration has decided to cram 45 more people into some sections of Music Humanities. Apparently this action is the first in many steps designed to make Music Humanities a complete waste of time...
AIDAN: Well, um, what was it before?
LIZ: {clear throat} Other measures include reducing Beethoven's 9 symphonies to 1, the Ring Cycle will now be an Arc, Wagner and Berlioz's masterpieces will be combined under the title "Symphonie Anti-Semetique," and John Cage's classic "4 minutes, 33 seconds" will now be presented as "2 minutes, 16 and a half seconds" of silence. In tribute to these wise additions to the Music Canon the Band would like to form an expanded Music Hum section, but since we don't have enough people...
AIDAN: Actually I don't think there are enough people in the stadium...
LIZ: ...so, instead the Band will now form the concern expressed by some students and play "La Donna el Mobile" from Verdi's stirring opera "Rigeletto," arranged by Chris William, with guest conductor Arthur Fiedler of the Boston Symphony Orchestra.
[Play Knocking]
LIZ: Please rise as the Band now performs our Alma Mater Sans Souci.
[Play Without Sauce. RUN AWAY!]