1993-10-09 - Lafayette
Pre-Game
LIZ: Ladies and Gentlemen, and Lafayette Lepers...
AIDAN: No, that's "Leopards."
LIZ: ...back depite not being invited to George Rupp's inauguration, the Bitterest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Innaugurate This!
[fanfare]
LIZ:
J. James Stoterau: Not invited to George Rupp's innauguration
J. Patrick Lambert: Not invited to George Rupp's innauguration and
J. Kathy Wrightson: .....Not invited to George Rupp's innauguration
[minor fanfare]
LIZ: welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, multicultural, eelemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field....where w(?)
[March in to Who Owns]
LIZ:Recently it seems that the Phillip Morris Company, maker of many fine tobacco products, has donated a considerable sum of money to the University in order to promote diversity on the College campus. However, in true Columbia spirit, rather than ease tensions it seems that all the money has done is cause more conflict between the groups that it was supposed to benefit. In these first few weeks after the money was donated, the Jewish Smokers Union and Black Lung Organization are still locked in a bitter struggle. And The Dip n' Chew Club is up in arms, and spitting mad, about allegations made at a recent speech on campus by Joe Camel, sponsored by the Black Lung Organization. During the course of his speech it seems that Joe consistently referred t o the campus as Columbia "Chew"-niversity. The Band for one, wonders what all this conflict is for, after all it doesn't matter if they're black or white because they're all black on the inside.
In honor of this corporate generosity, the Band now forms a butt -- a cigarette butt, that is -- complete with smoke rings, and plays I Hear You Knocking But My Lungs Are Clogged Up With Tar.
[Play Knocking]
AIDAN: Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise as the Band performs our National Anthem.
[Banner. Run Away]
Halftime
LIZ: Ladies and Gentlemen, and Lafayette......Leopards, back despite all those fire alarms, the Loudest darn Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Band.
AIDAN: Lafayette, we are here!
[fanfare]
LIZ:
J. Lafayette Band - Marching in boring, straight lines
J. George Rupp - In the receiving line and
J Jack Greenberg - In the unemployment line
[fanfare]
LIZ: Presents an all-star gala salute to Columbia College, campus politics and those hip, oh so stylin' Marching Band T-shirts, for sale under the stands in Section G.
[March on to Who Owns]
LIZ: Quite recently it seems, the Columbia Campus was littered with hundreds of folding chairs, several big tents and a really ugly stage, as the Administration whipped itself into an Inaugural frenzy. The Band, for one, thought that all those chairs were a nice change from the broken beer bottles and puddles of vomit that usually decorate the Steps. As part of George Rupp's plan to increase interaction with students, 95% of students were barred from campus during the festivities, in order to make way for the hordes of luminaries, dignitaries and marginally important people who never quite got around to showing up...
AIDAN: In fact, I think there are more people in this stadium right now...
LIZ: Anyway, since classes were canceled for most of the day, many of the 95% of the students who couldn't attend the festivities spent the morning asleep.
AIDAN: And many of those 5% that did attend spent the morning asleep, too...
LIZ: In honor of the ugly, green, fake tree stuff that they used to decorate the platform the Band now forms unity, George Rupp style, and plays his Administration's Anthem--Keep Out!
[Play Wipeout! Surf]
LIZ: Recently it seems that the exciting, wacky world of the Columbia College Student Council once again has reared its ugly little head in our petty little lives. As of late, scandal has rocked the council as allegations of financial impropriety have been directed towards Council leaders. In their defense they claimed that they were merely honing their skills and preparing to enter the realm of national politics and government. The ever-vigilant Council, realizing that they might have a situation on their hands, took 17 votes on the subject, but still couldn't agree on a name for the scandal. A crusading University Senator has been leading the charge in FerrisGate, as we like to call it, but unfortunately Ferris Gate, like all other gates on campus, is closed for George Rupp's inauguration.
In honor of political cover-ups everywhere the Band now forms a definite conflict of interest and plays Gimme Some Money.
[Play GSL]
LIZ: Recently it seems that the Hyper Anal Crack Precision Marching Band Investigative Unit stumbled upon a coveted advance copy of George Rupp's plan for the University. In several areas it seems that Rev. Rupp's own personal biases got the better of him: the Science Department is to be dissolved and replaced with the new Christian Science Department, Holy Water will flow from the fountains on Low Plaza, the swim test will no longer be required for graduation -- instead all students will be required to walk on the water CAVA will now be a faith-healing unit, don't drink? no problem, sodas on us, and, finally, a Nativity Scene will be erected in the Low Rotunda, thus breaking with tradition which had dictated that wise men were to be allowed nowhere near Low Library. Please kneel and stick out your tongue as the Band performs a Benediction. Form of a cross. Sounds like Under the Holy See.
[Play Under the Sea]
LIZ: Please rise as the Band performs our Alma Mater, Sans Souci.
[Play Sans Souci]