1993-10-23 - Yale

PRE-GAME

LIZ: Ladies and Gentlemen, and Parents, back despite the fact that the semester is already half-over, The Oddly Timed Band in the World...

AIDAN: Yeah, you should hear it when we try to play a song...

LIZ: ...The Columbia University Marching Columbia First!

[fanfare]

LIZ:
J. Kathy Wrightson - Up all night studying
J. Patrick Lambert - Up all night sleeping and
J. James Stoterau - Up all night....

AIDAN:...yeah, right

[fanfare]

welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, multicultural, eleemosynary...yet still iconoclastic, Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field...where we're sure that Lions will put the Bulldogs to sleep, the game will be as close as Yale is to being a real school, and the score will be as high as the number of Yale cheerleaders enrolled at Nutri-System.

[Who Owns]

LIZ: Recently it seems that Columbia University has announced plans to spend one million dollars for the renovation of President George Rupp's house.

AIDAN: It seems that Rupp thinks that the best way for him to interact with students is by first interacting with their money.

LIZ: Anyway, when combined with the $750,000 spent on his inauguration, it looks like Rupp has turned out to be quite a steal. Rumor has it that the renovations will include:

a heart shaped jacuzzi, so he can take a bath--

AIDAN: Just like the University?

LIZ: A Craftmatic Adjustable bed complete with "Magic Fingers".
A cage for his Chimp "Bubbles"
And a display area for his recently acquired skeleton of the Elephant Man.

Because of the House's location, overlooking scenic Morningside Park, Security deemed it necessary to install bullet-proof glass. However, they were able to save quite a bit of money by only installing it on the side facing Campus.

AIDAN: In honor of President Rupp's thrifty spending, the band now forms Rupp's limo as he takes us all for a ride, and plays "Financial Wipe Out."

[Band does this and plays Wipe Out.]

LIZ: Please rise as the Band performs of our National Anthem

[Band forms Lines and Plays Banner. RUN AWAY]

HALFTIME

LIZ: Ladies and Gentlemen, and Rabid Bulldogs, back despite duplicating the traffic dodging scene from the film "The Program," the Flattest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Skidmark.

[fanfare]

LIZ:
J. Earl Hall - No shots in the back room
J. George Rupp - Shooting Back and
J. Yalies - Getting shot in the back

[fanfare]

LIZ: Presents an all-star gala halftime salute to Columbia First Years, their parents, and the really big loan that they had to take out to get here.

[March in to Who Owns New York?]

LIZ: Recently it seems that the Columbia Area Volunteer Ambulance, CAVA, has announced that it will be suspending its services indefinitely. CAVA leaders claim that this is because the ambulance itself, the rig, is badly in need of repairs which they just can't afford to pay for. University administrators, looking out for the well-being of students, have ignored the problem, figuring that St. Luke's is pretty close and students can stagger on over if they have a real problem. The Hyperanal Crack Precision Marching Band Investigative Unit looked into the matter and after months of careful research discovered a few of the real reasons why CAVA is giving up the ghost:

Twin Donut closed.
The guys from the Archery Team have cooler jackets.
They're too busy watching Doogie Howser re-runs.
and They're tired of mopping up after drunk first-years (and their parents)

AIDAN: In honor of professional medicine everywhere the band now forms a syringe and plays what many of CAVA's patients are heard to have said while on the slab, "I Can't Get No Satisfaction."

[Play that groovy song]

LIZ: Even more recently it seems that in response to the drunken, beer-fueled brawl at the A . E. PI "Purple Haze" Party, Earl Hall official Rabbi Michael Paley is considering a ban on alcohol parties inside the building.

AIDAN: Which would put a damper on plans for the "Black and Blue Haze" Party.

LIZ: Anyway, following the brawl, Earl Hall ordered an investigation of the incident, which was headed up by Geraldo Rivera. Unfortunately, after raiding the A. E. Pi. Suite, Geraldo was only able to uncover a few broken bottles. Nevertheless, Earl Hall plans to implement an alcohol prohibition plan within Earl Hall. Following this precedent , the Furnald Pub will now be re-christened as the Furnald Speak-Easy, and the Bartending Agency will begin instructing students on not just how to make drinks, but also how to brew up bathtub gin.

AIDAN: In honor of Prohibition everywhere, the Band now forms a Tommy Gun complete with 8-round rapid action firing, which is ideal for home defense, and plays the theme from "Peter Gunn."

[Play to the best of our ability, Peter Gunn.]

LIZ: Apparently a controversy erupted at the Board of Visitors Meeting, where many influential Alumni expressed concern over the fact that Dean Marcus occupies the position of Dean of Columbia College as well as the title vice-president of the School of Arts and Sciences. However Dean Marcus argued that merging the two positions made things run more efficiently. Because of Marcus's rationalization many other mergers have taken place lately, notably:

The English Department and the Committee on Renovations will merge to deconstruct Ferris Booth Hall.
Furnald Hall will soon be merging with Furnald Lawn.
The Marching Band's script writer will be joining forces with the Football Team in the hopes of creating a more offensive line.
River Hall will be merged with the Psychological Counselling Services to a establish a new Half-way House System.

AIDAN: In tribute to these bold endeavors, the Band will now merge together and form Dean Marcus, and plays, for no apparent reason, "I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In."

[Knocking]

LIZ: Please rise as the Band performs our Alma Mater, "Sans Souci."

[Play Sans Souci]