1993-11-06 - Dartmouth
Pre-Game
The Columbia University Marching Band would like you to know that no animals were injured or humiliated in any way during the preparation for this show.
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Dartmouth students, back despite last week's game, the Wettest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Dozen...or So.
[Fanfare: National Geographic]
J. James Stoterau - This little piggy went to the market
J. Patrick Lambert - This little piggy went to the Marlin
J. Kathy Wrightson - This little piggy got none and
J. Ned Beatty - Squealing like a little piggy
[fanfare: National Geographic]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field... where we're sure that River Phoenix now has a better social life than the average Dartmouth student, the score will be as high as... Phi Ep, the game will be as insignificant as a degree from Dartmouth, and the lions will be as unconsenting as the sheep in Hanover.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]
As many of you probably heard, New York has a new mayor, Rudy Giuliani. Herr Giuliani, that ueber-politician, managed to edge out Mayor Dinkins through his blitzkrieg campaign tactics by convincing New Yorkers that he could bring about changes to the Big Apple. Some of Rudy's proposed changes include getting the subway trains to run on time, converting all New York City Head Start programs into the Giuliani Youth Corps, and making a non-aggression pact with Staten Island, even though he secretly plans to invade. And Rudy plans to revamp the social services-or the SS-in order to implement his final solution to the homless problem. The band now forms a brown shirt and plays what Mayor Dinkins was alleged to have said, "I can't get no Satisfaction."
Please rise as the Band now performs our National Anthem.
[Banner]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and our bovine friends, back despite blank, the Blank-est Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Insert Joke Here.
[fanfare: National Geographic]
J. George Rupp - The Honeymoon's Over
J. Dartmouth Students - Practicing Animal Husbandry and
J. Spartacus Youth - Divorced from Earl Hall
[fanfare; National Geographic]
Presents an all-star halftime gala salute to Dartmouth College, the Animal Kingdom, and what gets in between, which isn't much.
[Band play Who Owns New York]
Recently it seems that a furor has erupted over the release of Howard Stern's new book Private Parts -- not to be confused with Senator Bob Packwood's diary. Apparently Dartmouth College's Committee on Education was so enthralled with the book's big words and pretty pictures that they decided to add Private Parts to Dartmouth's Hard-Core Curriculum. Stern's book now joins the ranks of other classics such as George Orwell's Animal Farm.
Speaking of books, it seems that Dartmouth has plans to construct a new library using Columbia's own Butler Library as their model. It seems that Dartmouth's new library will, like Butler, have the names of famous authors studied by students of the college chiseled into the building. Proposed authors include: Dr. Seuss, Richard Scarry, that guy who does those Waldo Books, Raffi and Cliff Note. Some students are upset that plans for the building have excluded Beverly Cleary and Judy Blume, as many feminist scholars have argued that Beverly Cleary's Ramona series has been equally influential on the Dartmouth psyche as the Hardy Boys. In honor of Dartmouth's new erection, the Band now forms the character Ralph from Judy Bloom's book Forever and plays Masterpiece Theater
[play Masterpiece Theater}
Even more recently it seems that there has been outcry concerning parts of the Beavis and Butthead Show, as well as Disney's film The Program. Apparently, some concerned but dim-witted parents have made the ludicrous suggestion that Beavis and Butthead could incite small children to ignite large fires. Meanwhile forest rangers remain baffled as to the cause of a rash of forest fires that have plagued California. The Band for one believes that the fires may have been set by youngsters trying to recreate the magic of the fire scene from Bambi.
In response to the passing of several football players--the passing of cars over them, that is--Disney has decided to excise the traffic dodging scene from The Program. The Band, however, feels that those football players weren't imitating the scene from the film, but rather they were reliving the excitement of their favorite video game, Frogger. However, Disney announced that they will replace the controversial scene with one in which football players burn down a trailer park.
In tribute to infernos everywhere, the Band now forms the traffic dodging scene from The Program and plays Wipe Out!
[play Wipe Out. surf]
The Band would like to take this moment to honor its graduating seniors -- yes, some of us do graduate. And as always please, hold your applause 'til the end.
Bill "That's Why they call me Bill" Flaherty
Chris "Hey!" William
Josh "Is This Thing On?" Wolfe
and #4... Betsy "Head Manager" Fike
Jenny "You can now pick up posters at FBH" Martinez
Desiree "Jenny's friend" Rodriguez
Laurie "Bill's Friend" Coyle
Norm "and Wena" Lunde
Henry "Launching a one man counter-offensive against the war on drugs" Sieff
and, finally, Jamy "Jesus" Bacchus
Hey, good job, guys. And now, please rise as the Band salutes seniors everywhere, and plays our
Alma Mater, Sans Souci
[Band plays Sans Souci]