1993-11-13 - Cornell
PREGAME
I can't go on, I can't stand it anymore...I, I...Oh, the mike's on?
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Cornell farmers, back despite bouts of depression, the Bluest Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Aaaaaaaaaaay! {splat}
[fanfare]
J. Patrick Lambert - Alabama Slammer with cannonball
J. Cornell Students - Bloody Mary on the rocks
J. James Stoterau - Screwdriver with jack-knife and
J. Kathy Wrightson - Gin and Tonic with a lemon twist
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to cold, dark, Romanesque, subterranean, yet still gorgeous, Schoelkopf Field, where we're sure that the Lion's buzz saw offense will take the game in hand, the score will be as high as 135 feet, the action will be as fast as terminal velocity, and the Big Red will get chewed up and spit out -- and featuring corn on the rise, the student population on the decline, and the social life at Cornell still as stagnant as the pools of vomit in the Fraternity Houses.
[march on to the melodic strains of Who Owns New York]
Recently it seems that quite a stir has been kicked up in the Senate over the alleged content of the diaries of Senator Bob Packwood. With diaries on our mind, the Band recently stumbled across one belonging to an anonymous Cornell student which, while it threatens no sex scandals, presents an insightful look at the inner child of the average Cornell undergrad:
October 12th: Went cow-tipping
October 15th: Hung out with Jim Bob. He's in Hotel Administration. He was cramming for the Donuts midterm. Poor guy, they're working him to death -- he has a 10 page paper due in his Toilet Mints Seminar, too.
October 17th: Fraternity initiation -- I love hazing those little freshmen.
October 23rd: Met one of those Big Red Band guys. Don't they have any friends?
November 2nd: Boy, Calculus sure is hard now that I can only count to three on my hands.
November 4th: Some of the SUNY kids made fun of me.
November 9th: I find myself walking back and forth over the bridge at all hours of the night -- I feel strangely drawn to it in a way that I just can't explain.
Anyway, in honor of all those simple farmer boys masquerading as college students, the Band now forms a cow tipping over and plays "Wipeout!"
[play Wipeout! Surf]
And now, for the only REAL boring Marching Band in the Ivy League....
HALFTIME
Now for this Around the League Update: Yale 20, Brown 7 -- Harvard 10, Princeton 23, and Cornell Students 3, Gorge 1.
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Cornell Seniors, back despite self-defense training, the Most Well-Armed Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Attack Band.
[fanfare]
J. Jack Kevorkian - hungering for freedom
J. Khallid Muhammed - thirsting for power
and J. Cornell Students - lusting for livestock
[fanfare]
Featuring Western Culture versus Agriculture, as we present an all-star musical halftime gala salute to Cornell, the Midwest of the Ivy League.
[march in to Who Owns]
Recently it seems that Cornell's Committee on Education has decided to expand the range of courses offered to Cornell's undergraduate student body. Some of the new courses include:
Botany 1001: Your Friend the Radish
Physics 3001: Potential and Kinetic Energy when H=135
Chemistry 3464: Water Displacement
Sociology 2005: Seminar with Dr. Jack Kevorkian
and Shop 3002: Power Tool Safety Tips
Plans are also in the works for the implementation of several dormitory programs such as...
Your Roommate and the 4.00 Myth
and Enabling Alcoholics, Your Fraternity and You
In honor of the Big Words featured in Cornell's Course Guide, the Band now forms a Big Word and plays the theme from "Masterpiece Theater."
[form an "A." Play Masterpiece Theater.]
The Band would have liked to take this opportunity to make a commentary on the John Wayne Bobbit case, but unfortunately it got cut.
Instead we would like to call attention to a recent trend in the publishing industry. It seems that the success of "Scarlett," the recent sequel to "Gone with the Wind," written by a contemporary author, has prompted publishers to begin hiring many modern writers to write sequels to other famous works. Putnam Publishing has announced a follow up to "The Joy of Sex" to be written by Senator Packwood under the title "The Joy of Sexual Harassment." Also a sequel to Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham" is in the works. Apparently the new book will tell the tales of various men behind bars. Here is a sample:
I am Sam, Son of Sam
Do you remember who I am?
Did you shoot six people with a gun?
Did you do it just for fun?
Yes, I shot them with a gun,
But I didn't shoot everyone
I didn't shoot them all you see,
The Rotweiller was helping me.
The police investigation was a sham
Son of Sam I am.
In tribute to these literary endeavors the band now forms an open book, and plays "I Hear You Knocking, But We Don't Accept Unsolicited Manuscripts."
[play Knocking]
Over the years, it seems that the Columbia University Marching Band has come under criticism for its lack of anal-retentive, Midwestern style, totalitarian marching. The Band has finally subsided to peer pressure and decided to don our matching underwear as we now present the elite Columbia University high-steppin', physical education credit receivin', long practicin', Andrew Lloyd Webber playin', precision Marching Corps:
The Corps now goes into their first formation... a line. Ain't it beautiful folks? Their second formation... a triangle. Impressive. And for their third, fantastically precise, precision formation, the letter "C."
Hold your applause please, as the rest of the Band now joins the elite Corps in this formation and plays our Alma Mater, "Sans Souci."
[play Sans Souci and run, and I do mean RUN, away!]