1994-09-17 - Harvard
Pregame
{Ed - Sadly the Pregame show in its entirty does not exist, as the first page of this script fell off, and was lost, torn apart by the ravages of time. But, through extensive work, here is a fragment of the lost Pregame.}
....have begun to obtain their release but Bob Dole has intervened and continues to stalll, indeed, the Republicans refer to the whole operation as "a total abortion." On a lighter note, however, the Rolling Stones have announced that they will add the liberated Port au-Prince to their Voodoo Lounge tour. Honoring US Imperialism everywhere, and that fighting capitalist spirit, the Band now forms Haiti, complete with boatloads of fleeing oppressed nationals, and plays (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction.
[form Haiti, Play Satisfaction]
Please rise as the Band will now perform our National Anthem.
[Play Banner. Run Away]
Halftime Extravaganza
Ladies and gentlemen, and you, yeah you, baby, back despite popular demand the Columbia University Marching Oxymoron...you know...like, uh, friendly fire...
[fanfare]
featuring
The Harvard Football Team - Getting booed off the field
Security Director George Smart - Booting Freshmen off the steps
and
The largest Freshman class ever - Booting on the steps
[fanfare]
as well as class size on the way up, admissions standards on the way down, first-years on their way in (to other first-years), a whole darn bunch of deans on the way out, and Harvard as just the same old lame, country clubbin', socially stratified, tweed wearin', white bread, non-minority admittin', elitist boys' club that it's always been, presents an all-star gala halftime salute to several topics connected by a stream of consciousness that even we can't understand...can you?
[who owns]
Recently our very own Mayor (and closet Marching Band member) Rudy Giuliani has
launched yet another crusade to improve the "quality of life' of those who call New York City "home." Giuliani's plan, it seems, aims to achieve this lofty goal by chasing away those who are merely homeless and therefore don't meet the required guidelines. In a similar move, on our campus, Columbia administrators have undertaken measures to rid our own steps of the vagrant hordes that descend on them night after night. No longer shall students be able to menace Alma Mater with their drunken antics as drinking on the steps has been banned. It is merely a safety issue, administrators say, and students will now be permitted to drunkenly wander the streets of New York, rather than face the dangers of campus. The Band, for one, would like to return the favor, and improve the quality of life on campus, by purchasing an airline ticket for whoever is responsible, be it George Rupp or George Smart, there's a special this month on one way fares to the White House South Lawn. The Band would like to salute these bold positive libertarian efforts (dare we say fascist?), as it forms a public eyesore and plays, just because, Wipeout!
[amorph, play wipeout, surf]
Ah, it's good to be back home, random acts of violence in the streets, the smell of gunpowder in the air, those lovely air-conditioned theaters down on forty-sec...but I digress. If you cast your eyes over behind the two or three skeezy-lookin'Harvard fans in the visitors' section, you can see the lovely Hudson River, which recently hosted an installment of America's most popular summertime sport, shooting German tourists. Washington Heights resident scored quite a prize with a difficult shot at the Circle Line last week. Not to be outdone by the big apple, New Jersey Governor Christine Whitman has announced that she will push for relaxed gun laws in her state, and begin issuing hunting licences on foreign nationals. Indeed, it seems as though both state. have set their sights on eclipsing Florida as the capital of tourist hunting. In honor of random gunfire everywhere, even ,if it's just one shot, the Band now forms a bullet and plays "Smells Like Teen Spirit".
[form bullet, play smells]
Recapping local news... it was reported that a poor, confused old man was found wandering in front of the President's House wearing only pajamas and socks but no shoes. New York City Pollce were summoned to aid in the situation and escorted Michael Sovern to his home. Fortunately the whole incident was over very quickly and no officers shot one another or committed suicide. In other news it seems that the Harvard Admissions Office has begun accepting the Common Application, though they still won't accept commoners.
Moving right along... just yesterday I went to the Dean's Office for a signature and there was no one there. And this just in, we have received unconfirmed reports that University President George Rupp has bought a new suit and combed his hair...yes, it's all over, the seventh sign of the apocalypse has been realized. In honor of the complete randomness and incoherence of the previous joke, the Band now forms Harvard University, complete with underprivileged students trying to scale the walls and plays, for the 5,769th consecutive time "I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In."
[form what it says, play knocking]
Amen...Now please rise as the Band plays our Alma Mater, Sans Souci
[play the dirge, saunter off the field]