1994-10-08 - Fordham
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Fordham students, back despite the high holidays, the Most Observant Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Covered Head.
[fanfare]
featuring....
Patrick Lambert - dipping into the manischevitz
Kathy Wrightson - sipping fine wine
Alexis Bickford - wining and dining
and Ross Perot - whining
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back, for the first time in a long time, to beautiful, baroque, buttressed, cruciform, de-caffeinated, romanesque, altered, yet still iconoclastic Jack R. Coffey Stadium in...uh...the South Bronx, where we're sure that the Christians will finally be fed to the Lions, the Rams will be sacrificed on a flaming spit, and Columbia will resurrect the mighty football beast that pounded on Lafayette just last week.
So join us now as the Band presents an all-star gala halftime salute to several completely unrelated topics, and relishes in the chance to make fun of a neighborhood worse than our own...
[march in to who owns]
As the Band's bus pulled up this morning, and the first bandies stumbled out into the crisp morning air, we couldn't help but notice a little book lying on the ground -- it was, as it so happened, the personal diary of one of your fellow Fordham buddies, and while it threatened no sex scandals, it did provide some insight into the inner child of the average Fordham student. We'd like to share a few selections with you...
Sept. 21st, 10:03 PM -- ...went to football practice, it looks like they're trying to save money again...night-time practices are only lit by car fires
Sept. 22nd, 2 AM -- ...cramming for my Accounting exam...still can't figure out how to get a rich man into heaven
Sept. 27th, 4:15 PM -- ...went to class...dodged a few stray bullets...some punk street kid snatched my St. Christopher's medallion
Sept. 29th, 2:47 PM -- ...got a school sticker at the bookstore, "Fordham University -- no radio in car" has a nice ring to it
Sept. 30th, 11:15 PM -- ...some homeless guy bothered me for change...I called on God to smite him...and he DID!
Oct. 3rd, 11:32 AM -- ...coveted my neighbor's ass
Oct. 7th, Noon -- ...went to rally to run those evil, hedonistic, jello-lovin' Columbia bandies out of town...
In honor of the fine tradition of this world-renowned academic institution, and the strange little people that call it home, the Band now forms a Fordham student and plays, for no real reason, "(I Got You) I Feel Good".
[play feel]
Recently it seems that the Clinton administration has once again found itself in hot water (or should that be white water?) with the resignation of Agriculture Secretary Richard Espy. It seems that Mr. Espy was exercising a bit of executive privilege and accepting 'inappropriate gifts'...that's...uh...taking bribes, to you and me. But all of this ESPIonage was for naught, for while he did receive the John Sununu award for frequent flyer miles, they were, unfortunately, on US Air. Indeed, Mr. Espy s eems to have lacked any sense of ESP, and so he now languishes in the unemployment line.
Saluting governmental misconduct everywhere, the Band now forms an unemployment line and plays what Mr. Espy now says to the press "I Hear You Knocking, But You Can't Come In."
[knocking]
Not quite so recently, it seems that our national pastime has been dominating the news....we speak of course of organized labor strikes. Indeed, it all started earlier this year when the baseball players, including your very own St. Louis Cardinals, decided to take a stand for their inflated salaries. Rumor has it that the NHL and NBA may soon be following suit. We need not mention, of course, the perpetual fear of a bowling strike that holds the nation captive. Ah, all of this just can't help but make one hark back to the days of the Pullman Railway strike when the Pinkerton guards hammered home a loving capitalist message, rather ironically, with baseball bats.
The Band now forms a labor dispute and plays what poor, underprivileged workers all over the world are heard to mumble under their breath "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction."
[play satisfaction. run away]