1994-10-15 - Penn
Pre-Game Syndrome (PGS)
Ladies & Gentelmans and Columbia rejects, (you know, Penn students) back despite the State Department quarantine of Locust Walk, it's the most contagious band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Infection.
[fanfare]
Featuring
Patrick Lambert - Parasite
Kathy Wrightson - Anti-body
The tsetse fly - A malaria-carrying pest
and Penn students - Disease-carrying maggots
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to ugly, urban, industrial, collapsing, (er make that collapsed), life-threatening, desolate, infected, vaguely disconcerting, condemned, structurally unsound, ruined and obsolete Franklin Field, the home of "Turf Toe", where we're sure that the score will be as high as the crime rate in Philadephia, the passes will be as Long as the New York Island most Penn students hail from, and the Quakers will be as desperate as the UPenn admissions office.
[who owns]
Recently it seems that University of Pennsylvania has been expanding its curriculum. In addition to its long-standing gun and VCR repair courses, spokeswoman Sally Struthers recently announced that the University BA program has been revamped and brought up to speed, and its completion will now be accepted by most employers as a high school equivalency degree. To help cope with the budget crunch that will naturally ensue from this massive change at Penn, American TV viewers are now being offered the opportunity to sponsor one of those adorable, third world inhabitants - the Penn students . Sponsors will be mailed a picture of their adoptee, as well as a folder detailing their specifc hygenie problems, social disorders and learning disabilities. For just a dime a day, you can give the gift of hope, the gift of life. The band now forms a dime and plays "We are the World".
[knocking]
Halftime to make the donuts
Ladies & Gentlemans & drooling incoherent old alumni, back despite your frontal lobotomies, it's the brainiest Band in the world (well, at least the stadium), the Columbia University Marching intelligentsia.
[fanfare]
Featuring
Patrick Lambert - Id
Kathy Wrightson - Superego
Penn Athletes - Egos
and Penn Freshman - In touch with themselves.. often
[fanfare]
with Penn tuition on the rise, quality of education on the decline, and the Daily Pennsylvanian on the floor in the bathroom. Presents an all-star gala half-time salute to that doormat of a school, the U of P, Apex Tech of the Ivies (The tool are yours to keep).
[who owns]
Ladies and Gentleman. Several Penn students have requested that I speak more slowly so that they may at least make an effort to understand the half-time show. In the spirit of fairness (and pity) the Band will now recap its Pre-game show for the benefit o f those who still don't get it. (i.e. most of you.)
{clear throat}
YOU. PENN PEOPLE. DUUUUUMB.
Get it?
The band now forms a dime. You know, that shiny object mom and dad send from Long Island once a week. And now we'll play I hear knocking but you can't come in, slowly. It's a song. All you have to do is listen. The hard part is over. Rest your brains for a second.
[play knocking]
As test-taking season is upon us, the Columbia Band, for its own amusement, decided to conduct a standardized test of the average Penn student. Once proctors were able to convince the examinees to stop eating their number two pencils, the results were quite surprising. The Geography portion of the exam revealed that most Penn students strangely believe New York to be adjacent to Tennessee and Pennsylvania to be adjacent to North Carolina. Naturally, the Band was confused by this until we discovered that one student was inspired enough to jot down his favorite state in the margin: Marvin Gardens. This key piece of information, our Rosetta Stone if you will, explained the reason for your confusion. You see, MONOPOLY is used as the text in most Wharton classes, and some enterprising student had apparently circulated a Wharton cheat sheet to all of the Penn Geography majors. [slowly] You see, New York AVENUE is adjacent to Tennessee AVENUE. Pennsylvania AVENUE is adjacent to North Carolina AVENUE. Get it? With all the Penn students playing Monopoly, maybe that's why the pieces keep disappearing.
While we pause and let this half of the joke sink in, the Band will now form a Monopoly board and play, because we want to, Gimme Some Lovin'
[GSL]
It seems, in fact, that board games are sweeping the entire Penn campus. Based on a massive grant from Penn alum Milton Bradley, the school of Nursing will now be using OPERATION, THE WACKY DOCTOR GAME as their main tool of instruction. In vaguely related news, US News and World Report recently described a Penn diploma as a TRIVIAL PURSUIT. This is not at all odd, because Penn students are often seen searching for a CLUE, and everyone knows that going off-campus here is a RISK. And of course, there' s that one game Penn students always fail at - LIFE. Nothing however, compares to the enduring popularity of Monopoly. Just look at the number of Penn graduates who go to jail or work in street repairs. And though it may be unrelated, one Penn cheerleader recently wrote to the Columbia Band offering free parking and a community chest. Well, as most Penn coeds know, it's either that, or the usual ride on the Short Line. The Band now forms the question mark from the Chance square and plays Smells like Teen Spirit.
[play smells]
our toastless alma mater,.
[play sans]
Remember, at the Apex Tech of the Ivies, the knowledge goes into your head, the skill goes into your hand, the tool goes into your box.