1995-09-16 - Harvard
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, and members of the Kennedy family, back despite our backslide in the ratings war, the most matriculated band in the world, the Columbia University Marching "95% graduation rate, I swear".
[Fanfare]
Featuring
J. Lloyd Allen, Petty tyrant
J. John O'Neill, Petty officer
J. Kira Gardner, Petty cashier
and
J. Harvard students just plain petty
[Fanfare]
welcomes itself back, for the first time in a long time, to curvaceous, shapely, wide-open, easily accessible and yet still... vjrgnal Soldier's Field, where we're sure that the nimble and quick Lions will leave a Crimson streak on the field, the score will be as high as Harvard's U.S. News and World Report rating, and the brass will play as low as Columbia's.
[who owns new york]
The band, always a keen legal observer, has noticed a recent trend away from serious lawsuits towards more frivolous pursuits of justice. In honor of this trend, we now have a little riddle for everyone in the audience today: see if you can tell which of the following lawsuits is false and which are or were actual cases!
a) Hormel, maker of Spam, is suing Jim Henson Productions for libel over the upcoming film release "Muppet Treasure Island" because of the portrayal of "evil in porcine form" named SPA'AAM
b) The Justice Department is suing Calvin Klein over his jeans ads which ran on MTV calling them child pornography because he asks a young boy if he thinks he can rip his shirt off
or
c)Timothy McVeigh, is suing Ryder for gross negligence. Apparently they failed to
remove the nitrogen compounds and fertilizer left by the previous customer in the
back of the truck he rented.
The band now forms a frivolous lawsuit and plays what Janet Reno's saying to Calvin Klein; "I Got You, I Feet Good"
[got feel you good]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and male members of the federal government, back despite your tongue down my throat, the most sexually harassed Band in the World, the
Columbia University Marching Senate Judiciary Committee.
[fanfare]
Featuring: .
J. Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice
J. Bob Packwood, Former United States Senator
and
J. Bill Clinton, Are we starting to see a pattern here?
[fanfare]
Presents an all-star gala halftime salute to literature, art and the cinema, featuring truth that's stranger than fiction, Disney's version of "Ghandi" with Whoopi Goldberg as the sacred cow, and more Western Civ references than you can shake a stick at.
[who owns]
Recently it seems that Nathaniel Hawthorne's classic The Scarlet Letter is being made into a movie starring Demi Moore and Gary Oldman. In an effort to update the story, the ending will be changed. Moore defended the changes with the line "Well, most people haven't read the book anyway." This gave the marching band a swell idea: updating the classics of literature in return for box office proceeds. Here are a few of our suggestions.
Jack Kerouac's Beat Generation classic On the Road. . . in a Saturn
"Hamlet", starring Mel Gibson as. . . uh, never mind
Keanu Reeves in the title role of Samuel Beckett's "Waiting for Godot"
Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights, starring Steven Seagal as a rugged Scotsman
trying desperately to save his disintegrating ancestral castle, and Nicole Kidman as the gentle English noblewoman who learns to love him despite his wild ways.
Cervantes' Don Quixote, starring Antonio Banderas as a rugged Spaniard trying desperately to save his disintegrating sanity, and Melanie Griffith as the gentle noblewoman Dulcinea who learns to love him despite his crazy ways.
Homer's Odyssey, starring Kevin Costner as a rugged mariner trying desperately to find his way to dry land and Jeannie Tripplehorn as the gentle Penelope who learns to love him despite his seafaring ways.
Jean-Paul Sartre's "Maybe there's an Exit over here," a taut action thriller in which Arnold Schwartzenegger goes to hell and back.
The band now forms a room with no exit and plays "I Hear You Knocking, But It Wouldn't Be Existentialist If I Let You Out"
[knocking]
In a recent development, women of the Ivy League have been busting all over
in the areas of biology, chemistry and most notably anatomy. Indeed, September's issue of Playboy featured a twelve-page spread entitled "Women of the Ivy League. Although many students have become hot and bothered over the issue, others see nothing wrong with more exposure for women in academia. While most of the women were satisfied with the traditional Playboy poses, the Harvard women held to a more classical standard, insisting upon such poses as the Venus of Botticelli, a group shot as "Les Demoiselles D'Avignon", and the ever-popular "Nude Descending a Staircase". The band would like to suggest, perhaps, that the next time Playboy features academia uncovered, they try such poses as "American Gothic" and "Whistler's Mother."
The band will now form "American Gothic" and in honor of my mother (and
yours), play "Ginune Some Lovin'"