1995-10-07 - Penn
Pre-Game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and the diseased, back despite one of those pesky mono epidemics, it's the most kissed band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Fourth Floor of Carman--they're always in the news![fanfare]featuring
J. Lloyd Allen - McBain
J. John O'Neill - Woodbridge
J. Kira Gardner - Ruggles
J. Sam Nicosia - Sulzberger
and J. Spec letter-writer Anthony Adams - We know where you live. [fanfare]welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bulimic, bilateral, urbane,multicultural, eleeomosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. WienStadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will beat the Quakersinto passive resistance, the score will be as high as the average IQ of aColumbia student, and the brass will play as low as Penn was willing tosink to move up in the charts. [who owns]The band for one is sure that Columbia will win today. After all, ourU.S. News and World Report rating took Penn's place as the least of theIvies. So we're sure our athletics will pick up now that our academicshave taken a slide. It worked for Penn, didn't it? Not one to be left out, Penn went down.[gsl]Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise as the Columbia University Marching Bandnow performs our National Anthem. [form lines. play this. ]Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and members of the religion responsible for ChelseaClinton's education, back despite Richard Nixon, it's the Friendliest bandin the world, the Columbia University Marching "Just Quakers andcheesesteaks as far as the eye can see."[fanfare]featuring
J. Theodor Doestevsky - the shaker
J. Betty Crocker - the baker
J. Magic Johnson - the Laker
and J. a poor specimen of humanity - the Quaker[fanfare]as well as our uniforms on the way here (really), letters on their way toSpec, sophomores on their way to Nevada, and Taoists on the way. [who owns]In recent news, Penn came up for air.[smells]As we're certain you all know by now, Columbia College's administration isplanning to expand the college for reasons we can only wonder at. Becauseof the college's fiscal woes, however, the deans have had to come up withnew and inventive ways to raise money. While the University ofPennsylvania's academic record was woefully shabby, its alumni seemedstrangely enchanted with the place and with giving large sums of moneyback to it. Columbia has in response decided to sell degrees to Penngrads, who h ave expressed ecstatic anticipation at receiving degrees froma real Ivy. The band was able to interview one such dual-alumnus, whoreported that they quite enjoyed the Morningside Heights area andexpressed surprise that though they had been told that P enn was a safetyschool, it actually was a great deal more dangerous than they hadexpected. In honor of our new alumni, their-ahem-intelligence, and mostimportantly their money, the band now forms a checkbook and plays "Thegift to be simple."[oh god please let us manage to play this]Whew! The band for one would like to express its relief that ColumbiaUniversity's war against drug use spanning three decades was won thisyear with the full eradication of alcohol from the steps. That's right,substance abuse at Columbia has officiall y ended. Indeed, it was almostthirty years ago today that University officials first began the war witha campaign to get drugs, in that case marijuana, off the Steps. For thoseof you to whom this sounds hauntingly familiar, this was in fact the begining of Columbia's wildly succesful alternative policy to "Just say no";instead, they ask students to "Just don't let it show." The band nowforms twelve steps and plays "We hear you knocking, but we'd much ratherhave you drunk and wandering the streets of New York than suffer a slightimage problem."[knocking]Please rise as the marching band plays the Columbia College Alma Mater"Sans Souci."[form a c; play sans souci.]