1995-10-14 - Lehigh
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and engineers, back despite that slide rule in your pocket, it's the most pocket-protected band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Sinusoid Curve.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Lloyd Allen Wielding Epicurean disregard.
J. John O'Neill Wielding Diogenic cynicism.
J. Kira Gardner Wielding Epictetan stoicism.
J. "Tito" Dakss Wielding that nasty funk.
and J. Random Lehigh student Wielding the protractor of doom.
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, bulimic, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic, Lawrence A. Wien stadium, where we're sure the Lions will break the Engineers like that poorly designed bridge shown in high school physics, the score will be as high as the limit of x as x approaches infinity, and the brass will play as low as, well, the library.
[who owns]
Perchance persons present perceived a pummeling of Penn previously. Pulverizing plays and powerful passes pierced the veritable prophylactic of Penn's potent players. Postulating paltry performance, Penn prostrated Pennsself pitifully previous to persecution. A propensity to prevail perhaps prepared Penn poorly, but no pity is projected or pitched in their path. Pomegranate. Persephone. Penelope. Sweet poetry, perchance, but sweeter still: Passes. Punts. Penalties. Pulverization.
Praying for projection, the Band now forms Penn's pathos and plays Why Pout?
[Wipeout]
Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band plays the national anthem.
[Banner]
Half-time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and parents, back despite the magnitude of the trek to Baker Field, the farthest-roving Band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Long March.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Furnald Lawn - Being torn up
J. Furnald Hall - Being torn apart
J. Ferris Booth Hall - Being torn down
and J. Random Buddhist - Being
[fanfare]
presents an all-star gala salute to frosh, their parents, the really big loans they took out to get here, and the new waitlist policy.
[Who Owns]
If you didn't attend the Columbia-Penn game last weekend, you must instead have gone to see the other miracle in Central Park, as the pontiff bestowed his enlightened presence on our fair metropolis. Indeed, a flurry of publicity has surrounded his Holiness' U.S. tour, which has resulted in numerous calls for the modernization of the Roman Catholic Church. The Band, never one to be left out, has come up with a few of its own suggestions.
- The Swiss Halberdiers should be replaced by Teutonic Knights--you know, to make them more modern.
- How about stopping the use of leeches in Catholic hospitals?
- In response to concerns regarding animal cruelty, it's high time they stopped sacrificing the papal bull.
- Two words: ergonomic pews.
- AS AN ALTERNATIVE TO THE HEAVY, ARCHAIC "FATHER", WE SUGGEST THAT PARISHIONERS BE ALLOWED TO REFER TO THEIR PRIEST AS "DADDY-O".
- Having apologized to Galileo, the Church should follow up by apologizing for the Spanish Inquisition, the Portuguese Inquisition, the year 1588, the conquest of the New World, and that whole geopolitical stranglehold on Western Europe thing. The Band suggests they consolidate things a bit and just apologize for the sixth through the seventeenth centuries.
- And, last but not least, the Pope's really big hat should have a holy water dispenser.
The band now forms a really big hat, complete with holy water dispenser, and plays, because we like you, Dies Irae.
[Day of fury. Day of wrath. Salsa.]
Recently it seems that an elite swat corps infiltrated Lehigh so that we could get some inside information for this script. A lazy SEAS student on the expedition, not yet having taken Lit Hum and so not having signed the plagiarism pledge, grabbed what was originally thought to be a lab notebook; but it turned out to be a diary instead. Here's PAGE 17.
3 am. My computer's alarm woke me up to tell me that the UNIX network was at minimum usage, meaning that my processes could run at maximum efficiency. Then I had some Mountain Dew.
4 am. My processes finished. Then I had some Mountain Dew.
5 am. I went back to sleep.
8 am. My computer again awakened me, to tell me that the cafeteria, having just opened, was at maximum efficiency. I got some Mountain Dew.
9 am. Thermodynamics of macroscopic particles. While typing my notes into my Tandy 102, I drank some Mountain Dew.
11:47 am. My computer's alarm went off to tell me that I should leave now to get to the cafeteria before the noon rush.
11:53. I got to the cafeteria, but they had run out of Mountain Dew. I gotsome Sprite instead.
12:32 pm I finished off my Sprite. Then, my CAD homework being done, I went to the cafeteria for some Mountain Dew.
The band now forms a sprite and plays "I hear you knocking, but I don't
believe in non-electronically mediated interpersonal interaction".
[knocking]
WE WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO PARAPHRASE REBECCA WEST: "BAND SCRIPTWRITING IS THE FINE ART OF FILLING SPACE." THE BAND NOW PRESENTS A LATTER-HALF HALF-TIME GALA SALUTE TO THINGS THAT FILL UP SPACE.
US, RIGHT NOW. STYROFOAM PEANUTS. BARNARD BOOKFORUM. THE ENGINEERING SCHOOL. OUR SWEATERS, REALLY. MATTER. THAT LEWD DRAWING OF ELIZABETH BERKLEY IN THURSDAY'S SPEC. SHAROD BAKER'S COLUMN IN THURSDAY'S SPEC. THURSDAY'S SPEC. SPEC. THE MAJOR CULT URES REQUIREMENT. ANTIMATTER. MATRICES THAT SPAN. OUR MISCIE SECTION. THE BAND IN GENERAL. AN IDEAL
GAS.
THE BAND NOW FORMS THE IDEAL GAS LAW, AND PLAYS, BECAUSE ITS SURREAL, "SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT."
[smells, maybe GSL]
Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band plays the Columbia College Alma Mater, Sans Souci.
[Sans Souci]