1995-11-04 - Dartmouth

Pre-Game

Ladies and Gentlemen, and Quebecois, back despite a half-hearted attempt at cultural solidarity, it's the most fractious band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Renegade Province. [fanfare]featuring
J. Lloyd Allen - used
J. Kira Gardner - abused
J. John O'Neill - unamused
and J. Quebecois - Canadian[fanfare]welcomes itself back for the last time in a long time to beautiful,bucolic, bulimic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleeomosynary, yetstill iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we'resure the Lions will spill the blood of the Big Green like so much ichorof Aphrodite, the score will be as high as Apollo racing the chariot ofthe sun across the sky, and the brass will play like Dionysus to bring youall to ecstatic revelry. [who owns]In other leaps of governmental logic, the Metropolitan Transit Authority(or MTA) has recently announced a fare hike of a quarter per token to takeeffect November 12th. The move is designed by Governor George {..} Patakito give a tax break to upstate New York, because as we all know, upstateis where we gain all our power, prestige and world renown. The band wouldnever suggest that this move is merely part of the trend of guttingurbanity to give white conformist suburbia more power and wealth, becauserace and class are quite sensitive issues. The band now forms a guttedghetto, with Alma Mater smack dab in the middle and plays, "Smells like anunderhanded political move designed to divide and conquer." [smells]Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise as the Columbia University Marching Bandnow performs our National Anthem. [form lines. play this. ]Half-timeLadies and Gentlemen, and unGentlemen, back despite paranoia, it's themost Newspeak band in the world, the Columbia University Marching BuggedRolm Phone. [fanfare]featuring
J. George Orwell - Unliving
J. George Rupp - Unendowed
J. George Bush - Unpresident and
J. DANFORTH QUAYLE - UnJack KENNEDY[fanfare]presents an all-star half-time gala tribute to the U.N. and things peoplejust aren't allowed to do, with the fare hike on the way in, diplomats onthe way out, and seniors on their way to the real world. Ah-heh! [who owns]Recently it seems that New York City has been besieged by world leadershere to celebrate the UN's fiftieth anniversary. One of the visiting Édare we say dignitaries? was Fidel Castro, whom you may remember as havingbeen recruited by our very own New York Yankees some years back. Rumorhas it that Fidel's in town, negotiating with Steinbrenner to move theteam to Havana. Strangely enough, when the general public was asked abouthow they would feel if watching Yankees games was made illegal due to the economic embargo against Cuba, no one really seemed to care. The bandnow forms an illegal baseball bat and plays the favorite song of smugglerseverywhere: "In the Midnight Hour." [12 o'clock]In other news, it seems that Rudolph Giuliani asked security to escortYasser Arafat out of a Beethoven concert at Lincoln Center for the UnitedNations world leaders. After all, heaven forbid that an enlighteningcultural experience be attended by a Nobel Prize Laureate. The band hasheard that in fact, Yasser Arafat tried to listen the next night to KaseyKasem's doo-wop count down, but Kasey made Arafat TURN OFF HIS RADIObefore "The Book of Love" was played, saying "If you haven't heard 'TheBook of Love,' you haven't heard doo-wop." The band would've liked to follow upthis joke with a list of songs we're not allowed to play, but we're notallowed to _mention_ them, either. Instead, the band would like to play theOde to Joy, but as that's patently impossible, we'll play "I hear youknocking, but it's the fourth movement just now." [Knocking]This being our last home game of the season, the band would like to takethis opportunity to bid a fond farewell to our graduating seniors. And,as always, please hold you applause to the end. Please rise as the marching band plays the Columbia College Alma MaterSans Souci." [Sun Suzy]