1995-11-18 - Brown
Pregame
Ladies and gentlemen, and federal workers, back despite a protracted game of chicken, it's the most furloughed band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Budget Crisis.
[fanfare]
Featuring
J. Lloyd Allen - stripped
J. Kira Gardner - miffed
J. Justin Shubow - picked
and
J. Cornell security - ticked
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back to cold, small, average, yet still mediocre, Brown stadium, where we're sure the Lions will leave a big Brown streak in the field, the score will be as high as the average Brown student, and the brass will play as low as Bill Clinton's approval rating.
[Band takes the field to Who Owns]
What with all the recent furor over cigarette advertising, and specifically Joe Camel as a lure for minors to smoke, the Band would like to lean back, take a few puffs on our contemplative pipes, and reminisce about the bygone days when we were carefree tots. About the good old-fashioned role models of that halcyon youth, now gone. How fondly we remember our Spiderman and Wonderwoman Underoos! Using these garments as our veritable Madeleines, the Band now imagines a world in which the real influences on modern youth are reflected in their underwear. Joe Camel Underoos could of course be all the rage, quickly followed up by a Zima-sponsored print, or some tastefully done cannabis leaves. Not to be left out, the more criminal element might put out a themed series of products, with Jeffry Dahmer an d the Son of Sam for boys and a pink-tinted Loreina Bobbit and Susan Smith series for the girls. Calvin Klein would never be so gender-specific as all that: we imagine a U. R. 1: Underwear for a girl or boy, with Macaulay Culkin and Christina Ricci asking pertly, What comes between me and my Underoos? The Band now forms a marketing idea so scary, it just might happen, and plays in honor of Calvin Klein, "Gimme some Lovin'"
[GSL]
Halftime
Ladies and gentlemen, and Rhode Islanders, back despite the stupidest state name this side of Utah, it's the most homesick band in the world, the Columbia University Marching "Toto, we're not in Harlem anymore."
[fanfare]
Featuring
J. Lloyd Allen - still head manager
J. Kira Gardner - still holding the purse strings
J. Justin Shubow - still wielding the toilet plunger
and
J. Band Politics - still as crooked as ever
[fanfare]
with Title Nine lawsuits on the rise, academic standards on the decline, and the Brown football team on the bathroom wall, presents an all star gala halftime musical salute to mediocrity everywhere; especially in Providence.
[Who Owns]
Recently it seems that Germany, in response to environmental concerns, has legalized the production of paper from hemp, as long as the hemp contains less than 0.3% of THC, the active agent in marijuana. [But you knew that already.] Not surprisingly, German paper exports to Providence have skyrocketed in recent weeks. The Band was baffled upon hearing this, considering the sheer volume one would have to ingest to have any sort of fun with German paper products. The Band then thought about what we would do if we had to spend more than a day in Providence, and were baffled no longer. The Band now forms a German paper product and plays, signifying nothing, "Smells like Teen Spirit."
[smells]
Recently it seems that the Women of the Ivy League chose to feature themselves in a literary magazine entitled, "Women of the Ivy League." Unlike Heffner's creation, this rag only featured TASTEFUL seminude photos, the Band only read it for the poems. As Columbia declined to participate, the Band was unable to obtain a copy until this morning. Here are a few of our favorite selections:
A haiku from Harvard:
Hahvahd I attend
No letter 'tween "Q" and "T"
Nose stuck in the air.
A haiku from Yale:
Mugged before Shakespeare
Eating New Haven pizza
I hope I don't die.
A haiku from Penn:
Five syllables in this line
This line, seven, I think
I like the color purple.
A haiku from Dartmouth:
Graduate studies?
Pshaw-- of what use would they be?
My friends: beer, trees, snow.
And finally, a haiku from Brown:
I yearn to be known
Too ugly to be exploited
Cast out by Playboy.
The Band now forms a magazine read only for the Bill Maher interviews and plays "I Hear You Knocking, But I'd Like to See Your Own Attempt at Art."
[knocking]
Please rise for the Columbia College alma mater, Sans Souci
[What if tomorrow bring Sorrow or anything Other than Joy etc.]