1996-09-21 - Hahvahd

Pregame

Ladies and Gentlemen, and housing administrators, back despite the worst housing crunch since the Princeton trailer park debacle, it's the most "enhanced" band in the Ivy League, the Columbia University Marching Barnard Quadruple.[fanfare]featuring
J. Bill Clinton - Ailing
J. Bob Dole - Critical Condition
J. Mother Theresa - Intensive Care
and J. Tupac Shakur - May He Rest In Peace.[fanfare]welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker field, where we're sure the Lions will spill Crimson blood as the greatest contest since the Dan Quayle-Admiral Stockdale debate unfolds before your eyes.[who owns]Recently it seems Barnard's much-respected Student Government Association instituted a rule whereby all student organizations must perform some community service to receive funding. The band, always given to imaginative musings, considered the possibilities:

the Games Club could hand out old Magic cards to impoverished youth
the College Republicans could sponsor an "Acknowledge-the-Homeless-as- Human" week
the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity could commit harikari
the Cigar Club could donate free cigar samples to a pediatric ward
the International Socialist Organization could take a vow of silenceand
Phi Gamma Delta, or Fiji, could man the rape-crisis center hotlines.

In honor of SGA, because we do love it so, the band now forms a community service and plays "Gimme Some Lovin'"[gsl]Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band performs our national anthem.

Halftime

Ladies and Gentlemen, and Radcliffe students, back despite the seventh sign of the apocalypse, Harvard's slip to number three, it's the highest-rated band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Bronze Medal.[fanfare]featuring
J. Yale University - Number one
J. Princeton University - Number two
J. Harvard University - Number threeand
J. Columbia University - Hey, who's counting? [fanfare]The band's halftime show today is brought to you by the letters H, A, R, V, A, R, and D, and by the number 3.[who owns]The band now asks you to think of a Harvard alumnus named Ted K. who was responsible for the death of a secretary. If you thought of Teddy Kennedy, United States Senator and Chappaquiddick star, you're absolutely right. If you thought of Theodore Kascinski, Unabomber, you're also perfectly correct. In fact, if you thought of Ted Koppel, you're also right. Well, no, not really, I lied about Ted Koppel. He didn't kill any secretaries, and I really don't know where he went to school. Interestingly enough, though, the Unabomber's brother who turned him into the FBI, was in fact a Columbia graduate. Aren't you glad you attend a law-abiding school and not some third-rate, crime-ridden institution? In honor of all of Harvard's distinguished alumni, the band now forms a jail cell and plays "I Got You (I Feel Good)"[you I got feel I good]Speaking of people who got screwed by Columbia graduates, Dick Morris, Clinton adviser and toe-sucking alumnus at large, slept with a prostitute, causing an earth-moving political scandal that sent shivers down the nation's spine, blowing them away. Our sources have not been able to confirm, though, that the woman in question was in fact a Radcliffe alumna. Rumors were popping up all over, however, that this was merely a stunt to corner that crucial Las Vegas vote. But even though Dick had the president's ear nightly, he appears to have preferred other body parts. In honor of Dick Morris and his nocturnal activities, the band now forms a big toe and plays "In the Midnight Hour".[hour in midnight the]Though Harvard may be slipping in the ratings, Columbia has been on the rise, and we think we know the reason: Enhancement '96! Despite all those naysayers who say increasing the size of Columbia College will only overcrowd already strained resources and classrooms, we think 12 people in a Carman double is only the beginning. Indeed, we discovered some top-secret plans for more enhancement along the same lines:Enhancement of Carman by taking out the elevators because they break so gosh-darned much.

Enhancement of Butler Library by taking out all the books and burning them publicly
Enhancement of Wien by taking those-oh-so-spacious rooms and making them doubles
Enhancement of the music library by moving it to Ohio
Enhancement of the temporary building by making it permanentand finally
Enhancement of the Lodge by renaming it after a seventies sitcom character

The band now forms an enhanced Columbia College and plays "Smells Like 30 freshman in a shower stall"[smells]{Note: Following joke was not performed for brevity’s sake.}For those of you who just got back from the hot dog stand, the recently published U.S. News and World Report rankings of the nation's top universities placed traditional top dog Harvard in third place. The band was hardly surprised, however, once we considered a few possible reasons:

People are just sick and tired of those Boston accents
A failure by the admissions office to appeal to the oh-so-hip Generation X slacker type
MIT throws the best parties in town
They forgot to give U.S. News the annual bribe
The Gore children
the decision to concentrate on athletics for a few yearsand
those uppity Radcliffe gals.

The band now forms the number three and plays "I hear you knocking, but ever since we slipped in the ratings it's just too damn easy to get in".[knnnnnocking]Please rise as the band performs the Columbia College Alma Mater, Sans Souci[form C, play sans souci]