1996-09-28 - Fordham
{No Pregame script for this one, since they only let us do halftime.}Half-time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Fordham students, back despite the highholidays, the Most Observant Band in the World, the Columbia UniversityMarching Covered Head. [fanfare]featuring....
J. Ralph Nader - Reformer
J. Bob Dole - Conservative
and J. the Pope - Orthodox [fanfare] welcomes itself back, for the first time in a long time, tobeautiful, baroque, buttressed, cruciform, romanesque, altered, yet stilliconoclastic Jack R. Coffey Stadium in...uh...the South Bronx, where we'resure that the Christians will finally be fed to the Lions, the Rams willbe sacrificed in place of our first- born sons, and Columbia willresurrect the mighty football beast that pounded on Harvard just lastweek. [march in to who owns]Recently it seems the Virginia Military Institute, or VMI, voted to admitwomen, capitulating to the Supreme Court decision forcing them to becomecoed or relinquish all federal funding. VMI is requiring, however, thatits female cadets meet the same physical requirements that were set forthoriginally for its male cadets. In addition, the band has discovered, VMIwill in an effort to make their new students fit in, be requiring theseadditional skills: - watching sporting events
- not calling
- leaving the toilet seat up
- the ability to belch the national anthem
- writing their name in the snow
- patriarchy
- grunting
- wearing lingerie only in private
- Reading Playboy for the articles
- solving problems with violence rather than reason
- hawking big balls of phlegm
- and tattoos that say "Mom"
In honor of VMI's new policy, the band now plays "I hear you knocking, butI'm not going to let you in till you sponsor 4000 years of oppression" [knocking]Are You 486? I am.Just like a bunch of chickens in a bucket, Ross Perot was excluded fromthe presidential debates last week on the grounds that he was unelectable. Bob Dole, however, is inexplicably still being allowed to participate. Indeed, Bob Dole has about as much chance of winning the election as dothe Kurds facing an Iraqi onslaught. Demonstrating his current campaignstrategies, Dole tried to keep up with those hip youngsters by comparinghimself to the current pitcher of the Brooklyn Dodgers. Ross Perot, askedto comment on this timely analogy of Dole's, said it was a good metaphor,and reminded him of the Washington Senators' game the night before. Inhonor of the most confused old white men in politics since Ronald Reagan,the band now forms a geriatric ward and plays "I Wanna Be Sedated" ["20 20 24 hours to go. . ."]Hope everyone here at Fordham had a happy Yom Kippur.[havah]Recently it seems the president of Colombia was caught with eight poundsof heroin on the airplane he was taking to New York to address the UnitedNations general assembly on a global anti-drug strategy. George Ruppcould not be reached for comment. Speaking of international leaders andtheir crime sprees, the exiled leader of Tibet, fourteenth Dalai Lama JohnDu Pont, was the subject of competency hearing last week to determinewhether or not he is sane enough to stand trial for the murder of Olympicwrestler Dave Schultz. Indeed, Mr. Du Pont's lawyers said that he wasconfused at his arraignment because his status as a diplomat grants himimmunity. Mr. Du Pont is also, according to his own account, the lastRussian czar, the target of international assassins, the heir to the ThirdReich, the CIA's top consultant, and the Messiah. The band wonders whatwith this schedule, how he ever had the time to commit murder. The bandnow forms the letter "T", for Tibet, and plays "I Feel Good (I Got You)"{Ed Note: a lowercase, block t looks not unlike a cross.}[got good]