1996-10-12 - Penn
Pre-Game Syndrome (PGS)
Ladies & Gentlemen and fighting Quakers, back despite fearing god after beating two catholic schools in a row, it's the most undefeated band in the world, the Columbia University Marching ...um, band.. [fanfare]Featuring
J. Columbia Football - Weighing in at number one
J. Miss Muffet - Eating her curds and whey
and J. Bob Dole - Shipping the Kurds to Guam[fanfare]Welcomes itself back to ugly, urban, industrial, collapsing, (er make that collapsed), life-threatening, desolate, infected, vaguely disconcerting, condemned, structurally unsound, ruined and obsolete Franklin Field, where we're sure that the score will be as high as the crime rate in Philadephia, the passes will be as Long as the New York Island most Penn students hail from, and the Fightin’ Quakers will be as desperate as the UPenn admissions office. [who owns]At this point the band would usually read a script about how Penn has sacrificed academics for the sake of athletics, so despite the outcome of the game, at least our school could give us an Ivy League education, whatever its athletic successes. But hey, we’re first in the league and beat Penn last year, so now it really has no redeeming qualities. The band now forms that inexpressible joy that comes from superior athletics gained without any academic compromise, and plays “Beat It.” We hope you all understand that joke. Like “we’ll beat you”. Never mind.[Beat it]Halftime
Ladies & Gentlemen & Penn Students, back despite your frontal lobotomies, it's the brainiest Band in the world (well, at least the stadium), the Columbia University Marching intelligentsia. [fanfare]Featuring
J. Lloyd Allen - Id
J. Justin Shubow - Superego
J. Penn Athletes - Egos
and J. Penn Freshman - In touch with themselves.. often[fanfare]with Penn tuition on the rise, quality of education on the decline, and the Daily Pennsylvanian on the floor in the bathroom. Presents an all-star gala half-time salute to two things we don’t like: Politicians and Penn. Ooh, alliteration makes my toes tingle.[who owns]Recently it seems Americans were treated to the sweet, smooth debate stylins’ of our two presidential candidates. Indeed, the stylins’ might have been have been perhaps too smooth, as many viewers chose not to watch the debates. The marching band, always one for civic responsibility, feels perhaps a change in debate format might be called for. We’d like perhaps to fuse a few popular television shows with the presidential debates. Perhaps next time the debate could be moderated by Richard Bey and his trusty sound effects, encouraging the leader of the free world and his opponent to fight it out with buckets of spaghetti sauce, accompanied by the snarls and hisses of the catfight we all know it to be. If this struck our fair candidates as perhaps too. . . tomatoey, perhaps a stint on American Gladiators would be more fruitful. What better appeal to young people does Bob Dole need than climbing The Wall single-handedly or defeating Slick Willy in The Joust? Maybe Dole needs even more of a youth vote, though, and we know how he could get it: a Singled Out Appearance! Clinton and Dole could duke it out for the hand of some fair maiden, and we’d finally get the answer to all those burning questions: What’s your weekend style, bomb a small third-world country, or stay at home and play with the kiddies; Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?; and most importantly, What’s the size of your Health-Care Package? The band now forms Mr. Clinton’s Health-Care Package and plays “I Can’t Hear You Knocking Because Jenny McCarthy’s shrieking has made me go deaf”[play knocking]Ah, Bob Dole. Not to beat a dead horse, but Dole’s already embattled campaign suffered yet another set back after musician Isaac Hayes filed suit against it for violating copyright laws by using Hayes’ classic song “Soul Man” as a campaign song without his permission, rewriting it as “Dole Man”. The band would like to suggest other classic songs the campaign could use instead:- “Time is on My Side”
- “Who will save your Dole?”
- “When I’m 73”
- ”The Anti-Immigrant Song”
- “It’s the End For Bob Dole as we Know Him”
- “As My Campaign Gently Weeps”
- “Lovely Rita, Welfare Queen”
- “I Love that Old Time Robert Dole”
- “Happiness is a Warm Dole”
- “It’s Hip to Be Dole”
- “A Whiter Shade of Dole”
- “Dole Train”
- “I shot the illegal immigrant”
- “Stayin’ Alive”
- “Macho Man”
- “Praying for Time”
- “Father Figure”
- “I Want Your Dole”
- “Can’t Buy me Dole”
- “When I think About Dole I touch myself”
- “Another Dole Bites the Dust”
- “Girls just wanna have Dole”
- “I wanna Hold your Dole”
- “Let’s Talk about Dole”
- “I Wanna Dole you Up”
- and, finally, the classic Dole campaign song “Loser”
The band now forms a Dole and plays “Wipeout”[wipeout]The band would like to now present, in honor of our hosts, a brief history of Philadelphia.- 1776-The Declaration of Independence is signed in Independence Hall.
- 1876-Invention of the Cheesesteak
- 1976-Release of the motion picture “Rocky”
We leave you with this final thought: W.C. Fields’ tombstone reads “On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.” The band, on the whole, would rather be dead. The band now commits ritual suicide and plays “I Wanna be Sedated.”[Sedated]The Columbia University Marching Band now plays our toastless alma mater.[play sans]