1996-10-19 - Lafayette

Pregame

LAFAYETTE! WE ARE HERE!!Ladies and Gentleman...and Lafayette Lepers.. umm, I mean, Leopards, backdespite the Columbia Club on 43rd Street, the Cleverest Band in the World,the Columbia University Marching Homecoming X- travaganza[fanfare]featuring....
J. Our alumni - Filling our ranks
J. You alumni - Filling the seats
and J. Alumni - Filling the university's pockets[fanfare]welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, choleric, urbane,eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien stadium at BakerField where we're sure that the Lions will leave the Leopards in piecesstrewn across the field, the level of play will be as high as the price ofone of those lovely, four-color, 100% cotton, oh-so-stylin' Marching BandT-shirts, for sale under the stands in Section G, the score will be as lowand underhanded as the average Lafayette student, and the game will be asugly as some inbred, backwoods Pennsylvania bumpkin.[Band enters to "Who owns New York". Go figure]Always one to go for the easy laugh, the band will now make fun of theFrench. Ah, Lafayette. How little we know ye. In fact, all we knowabout ye is how much ye name sounds French. Indeed, when we sent ourelite crack SWAT team up to Lafayette to find out just what it's allabout, they found rampant Gallicism everywhere. Here are a few examples:

The biggest student organization on campus is of course the Jerry Lewis fan club. [If there's no response, or merely groans, or strained laughter]: Hey, we said we were going for the cheap laugh
The convenience store carries no sushi, but instead a cheese for every occasion.
Their football team's defensive playbook features special weapon "Maginot Line"
Exchange student programs feature Algeria and Indochine: You too can contribute to worst foreign policy in history of Western Europe!
Lafayette dorms had one shower for every 100 students, but bidets up the wazoo.
The football team features three forwards and a goalie.
The Lafayette food court features "Le Pizza Hut" and "Bean Burrito Royale with cheese."
and you can buy hash in a h--oops, wait, wrong country. Sorry.

The band now forms the anticlimax that was that joke, and plays in honorof France's strict drug laws, for the 4,389th consecutive time "I Hear YouKnocking, But You Can't Come In." [form anticlimax. play knocking]

HALF-TIME

Ladies and Gentlemen, and those of you with a non-Ivy Homecoming, backdespite the cheapness of our pregame show, it's the most undefeated bandin the world, the Columbia University Marching Francophobes. [fanfare]featuring...
J. Bill Clinton's Ethics - Indefensible
J. Tobacco - Nonaddictive
J. The safety net - Unsupportable
and J. Bob Dole - Unelectable[fanfare]Presents an all-star gala halftime salute to several different happeningsin that wacky world we live in, including an undefeated Columbia FootballTeam, the Yankees in the World Series, a Democratic Presidential candidateleading in the polls, and other signs of the apocalypse. [who owns]Recently it seems that Barnard students, in a startling turn of events,weren't allowed to attend Furnald Pub because they couldn't get signedinto the building. Rather than let a small bureaucratic mess blow over,campus politicos decided to increase rancor and resentment by saying thateven had they been allowed in the dormitory, they wouldn't have been letin anyway. The band, for one, wonders why this is such an issue; far beit from us to impugn Barnard students, but our impression of their idea ofa good time was a great deal more interesting than two free beers. Despite all this fuss about Barnard, though, the band also wonders why thereal issue at hand hasn't been debated: Furnald Pub being a thinly veiledexcuse to get seniors drunk on school funds, why don't they dispense withall this wine and cheese pussyfooting and just throw a vodka and limenight? Now there's a drink. Not that the band would know, of course. The band now forms a vodka and lime and plays, because it sounds cool withour guitar soloist, "Beat It". [play beat it] In recent sporting news, the Yankees won the pennant and are headed to theWorld Series. They were helped out in their victory over the BaltimoreOrioles by a small boy who caught a ball which would almost assuredly havebeen an "out", making it a run for the Yanks. The band was inspired bythis event to imagine other ways that particularly zealous fans could helpout their team:

Spike the gatorade with LSD--suddenly powder blue seems a lot more intimidating
Veto the gay-marriage bill
Make sure the team you're playing is from the backwoods of Pennsylvania
Put pepper spray in their asthma inhalers
Invite the opposing team over to a slumber party and put their jockstraps in the freezer
and finally, replace your opponents' regular steroids with Folger's crystals.

The band now forms some Folger's crystals and plays "Smells like the realperformance enhancing drugs, but in half the preparation time!" [play smells]Ah, Bob Dole. His already embattled campaign suffered yet another set backa few weeks ago after musician Isaac Hayes filed suit against it forviolating copyright laws by using Hayes' classic song "Soul Man" as acampaign song without his permission, rewriting it as "Dole Man". Theband would like to suggest other classic songs the campaign could useinstead:

"Time is on My Side"
"As My Campaign Gently Weeps"
"I Love that Old Time Robert Dole"
"I shot the illegal immigrant"
"Macho Man"
"Praying for Time"
"No Dole, No Cry"
"A Dole New World"
"He's Got the Whole World in His Hand"
"I Got Dole, I Feel Good"
"Onward, Christian Soldiers"
"If you want my Body"
"You Make Me feel like a natural Woman"
"Eine Kleine Dolemusik"
"The Rite of Dole"
"Springtime for Dole"
"Pride in he name of Dole"
and, finally, the classic Dole campaign song, "Loser"

Indeed, the band owes Isaac Hayes a debt of gratitude in more ways thanone for this joke; he is rewriting his classic theme song for the movie"Shaft" as "Dole". The band now forms a Dole and plays the theme from"Shaft". [Shaft {Ed Note: Actually, we played something else; I forget what.}]