1996-10-26 - Yale

Pre-Game

Ladies and gentleman, and the Youth of New Haven, back despite our better natures, the Cleverest Band in the World, Columbia University Marching Piebald Mob of Rum Crazed Rowdies and Ruffians...

[fanfare]

Featuring...
Lloyd Allen - Head Manager
Justin Shubow - Drum Major
and the Yale Band - Precision? I don't think so

[fanfare]

welcomes itself back to the gleaming, subterranean, minty-fresh, sinking, sani-sealed for your protection Yale Bowl, where we're sure that the Lions will spay the Bulldogs and flush them down the Bowl, the scoring will be as frequent as the drive-bys in suburban New Haven, and the level of play will be as low as the morals of the average Yale student..

[who owns]

Recently it seems TV Guide ran a picture of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton on the Washington, D.C. edition of the magazine, and a picture of Brooke Shields nationally. The band for one finds this somewhat ironic, considering the electability of Bob Dole versus that of Ms. Shields. We'd never think of voting for him, for instance, until we see him under a waterfall in a fantastical coming-of-age movie. Indeed, the band began to imagine a candidate field that included Brooke Shields. Andre Agassi would certainly lend an interesting je ne sais quoi to the proposed "First Lady" debates, having better hair than Ms. Rodham Clinton and Mrs. Dole combined. Certainly if Ms. Shields were elected, it would change the face of international relations--Mr. Agassi could merely challenged the other world leaders' spouses to a tennis match. No more Vietnams, indeed! The band now forms a tennis racket and plays, in honor of Ms. Shields and Mr. Agassi "In The Midnight Hour".

[midnight hour]

Half-Time

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, back despite blank the blankest Band in the World, the
Columbia University Marching Insert Joke Here...

[fanfare]

Featuring...
Lloyd Allen - Slacker
Justin Shubow - Dazed
The Whole Band - Confused

and You....our thousands of screaming, adoring fans (but don't you worry the Band will be available to sign autographs after the show...and, hey, we're available for weddings and Bar Mizvahs for a small fee)

[fanfare]

with mid-terms on the rise and creativity on the decline, please join with the Band as it now presents a rare, smoke 'em if you got 'em, all-star, gala halftime tribute to foreign countries.

[who owns]

Recently it seems, in the wake of widespread violence. . . in Scotland, the United Kingdom has decided to outlaw handguns. Considering the particularly effete nature of the Brits, the band wondered what in heaven's name they'll do now to defend themselves. Toward this end, we sent our elite crack SWAT team, our Sinn Fein if you will, to England, and here's what we found those wacky Anglo-Saxons doing.



The band now forms an IRA member and plays "I hear you knocking, but I'm being smothered to death by politeness."

[play knocking]

In other wacky international news, Russian continues to fall apart. This trend of course is not a new one for Russia. In fact, things just haven't been the same there since the tsar died. Its steady decline since the Petrograd bread riots of 1905 was counteracted by a brief shining moment under Stalin, but mostly it just continues teetering along like a drunken Boris Yeltsin. The only thing guiding its actions would seem to be its addiction to totalitarianism--more than five years with freedom and it starts to go into withdrawal. Indeed, that's what Russia needs right now--a quick dictatorial fix. In honor of Russia's shooting up repressive governments every decade, the band now forms a generic Russian leader and plays, in honor of what happens to all of 'em, Wipeout.

[wipeout. surf]

Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band plays our Alma Mater, "Sans Souci."

[sans souci. run away]