1996-11-02 - Princeton
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and prospective voters, back despiteelection day weekend, the most decimated in the World, the ColumbiaUniversity Marching Voter Populace. [fanfare]Featuring
J. Bob Torricelli - too liberal for New Jersey
J. Dick Zimmer - too extreme for New Jersey
and J. Princeton University - too bad, for New Jersey[fanfare]welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, choleric, urbane,eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien stadium at BakerField where we're sure that the Lions will continue on their footballjuggernaut, the score will be as high as voter turnout levels, and thegame will be as close as the presidential race. [Who Owns]Recently it seems the university announced plans to take that innocuous IDcard used for such amenities as food and shelter, and make it an ATM card,a credit card, and a way to do your laundry. The band, always being asupporter of excess, thought: why stop there? Why not make the ID cardcentral to every aspect of your existence? Here are few ideas of how tomake the ID card even less dispensable: - Local panhandler will now take Dining Dollars
- Two words: liquor stores
- G-chem TAs
- and Bribes to the housing office
The band now forms an ID card and plays "I hear you knocking, but you'velost your ID card and so must be thrown to the wolves." [play knocking]Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band performs our nationalanthem. [banner]Halftime
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Princeton students, back despite our betternatures, the Most Homogenous Band in the World, the Columbia UniversityMarching Princeton Student... [fanfare]featuring
J. Bill Clinton - Leading in the polls
J. Hillary Rodham - Helping run against the Doles
and J.Chelsea Clinton - Oh, how she's grown [fanfare]...presents an all-star, gala, preelection day, halftime salute to sundryorganizations of which we disapprove, including New Jersey and the FBI. [who owns]Recently it seems the FBI declared Richard Jewell not to be a suspect inthe Olympic Park bombing of last summer. Here's other earth-shatteringnews they decided to share with the public: - Lee Harvey Oswald not sole gunman.
- Jimmy Hoffa missing.
- Waco: A mistake.
- The Rosenbergs: Hey, it turns out they were innocent. Go figure.
- The Unabomber: Guess we coulda just looked at the return address on all those mailbombs, but hey, this was just as efficient.
- and finally, J. Edgar Hoover wore a size nine pump.
The band now forms a size nine pump and plays, for the hell of it, "Iwanna be sedated" [sedated]Ah, New Jersey. Land of Lyme-disease ridden governors and big hair. Ourfavorite thing about New Jersey is that we aren't forced to go to schoolthere. This has indeed been a fact Columbia students have enjoyedthroughout the centuries. We'd like to remember our most famousPrinceton-hating former student, Alexander Hamilton. It seems that duringthe Revolutionary War, Mr. Hamilton, leading the same sort of crack teamColumbians always do, was pursuing a British legion through the wilds ofcentral New Jersey. The Brits, unwise to the ways of New Yorkers,retreated into Princeton University, thinking the American captainwouldn't dare bomb the place. Alexander Hamilton was hardly deterred, andlobbed cannons into Princeton till the British cried "uncle". We're surehe took particular glee in the destruction of the college. Indeed,Alexander Hamilton may have found the university more than just a burr inhis saddle blanket, after one of its wayward alumni shot him in a duel. Mr. Hamilton, though shocked that anyone from Princeton was actually ableto understand the workings of a gun, nonetheless managed with his dyingbreath to convince his companions to take him across the Hudson, refusingto die in New Jersey. Alexander Hamilton, we salute you. The band nowforms a refusal to die in New Jersey and plays "Smells like somethingawful. Take me across the river, you fool!" [smells]Please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band now plays theColumbia College Alma Mater, "Sans Souci." [without sauce]