1996-11-07 - Dartmouth

Pre-Game

Ladies unt Gentlemen, and Dartmouth students, back despite the dangers ofthe frozen wasteland, it's the Perma-Frostiest Band in the World, theColumbia University Marching Abominable Snow Band! [fanfare]Featuring....
J. Lloyd Allen - Head Manager
J. Justin Shubow - Drum Major
J. The Rest of the Band - Pretty darn coldand Dartmouth coeds - Frigid[fanfare]Please rise as the Band skates its way back into frozen, windswept,glacial, and yet quite imaginatively named Memorial stadium, (as if yourtiny, grunting, alcohol-pickled brains could really remember anything) inlovely Hangover, New Hampshire, where it's said that the students are ashoary as the frost, and where we're sure that the points will be as scarceas virgin wool 'round these parts, the level of play will plummet as fastas the ranking of the Tuck Business School, and by the end of the game,the Lions will see that the Big Green is on the lam once more. [who owns]The band for one is sorry that this week marked the end of the electoralseason. We for one will sorely miss Bob Dole as comedic material thelikes of which hasn't been seen since Reagan and his jellybeans. The bandwould like to take this opportunity then, to squeeze the last possiblejoke out of Bob Dole's campaign. We now salute the mild-mannered Kansanwith a list of suggestions of what he can do with his time now that theelections are over.

Run for the office of Panchen Lama
Try to buy the Brooklyn Dodgers
Run for Prime Minister of Quebec
Found a humanitarian agency dedicated to building homes for the rich
Run for Senate
Stand at the White House gates and throw things.
and Have that baby Liddy's been hankering after

The band now forms, for the very last time, a Dole, and wishes it couldplay "Auld Lang Syne", but since we don't have an arrangement, we'll play"I hear you knocking, but you can't come in" for the 5347th consecutivetime. [knocking]

Halftime

Ladies and Gentlemen, and Dartmouth Frat Boys, back despite forgetting ournames and having to consult the handy tag stitched into our underwear, theGrunting-est Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Big GreenPuddle of Vomit... [fanfare]Featuring...
J. Local Farmers - Shearing the sheep
J. Al Gore - Still the veep
and J. Dartmouth Students - Fighting their own sheer stupidity[fanfare]...presents an all-star, gala, musical halftime salute to Dartmouth, oneof the nation's...colleges, and their special friends in the AnimalKingdom. [who owns]Recently it seems Dartmouth (clear throat) College decided to change its mascot to something more. . . animate than The Big Green. For those of you not in the know, the mascot was The Indian until it was decided to change it to something more politically sensitive, if less sensible. The band, always one to lend a hand to our neighbors to the far, far north, has gathered a list of appropriate possibilities.

The Drunken Frat Boys
The Biologically Accommodating Sheep
The Big Green Something Other than an Indian
The Doe-Eyed Sheep
The Dick Swett Supporters
The Inviting Sheep
The Beer-Swilling Lumberjacks
The Mute Sheep
The Big Green Mascots
The Big Green Sheep
The Big Green Honkies
The Newly Thawed Sheep
The Fried Green Tomatoes
Reverend Eleazor Wheelock and his many sheep
and The Big Green American Indigenous Person Who Migrated Across The BeringStrait Land Bridge Not Less Than 2,000 Years Ago

The band now forms an appropriate mascot and plays, 'cause it's a rippingtune, "Wipeout". [wipeout]If everyone here belongs to a frat, who goes to the frat parties?[sedated]We were going to make yet another animal husbandry hoke here to finish itoff, but you know what? We just don't care. You know it, we know it. Baa, baa. You like sheep. For all we know you like cows and chickenstoo, but you like sheep. Hell, if we went to school in a hellhole of afrozen wasteland like this, we'd probably like sheep too. Whatever you doon your own time is your business, however sick and disgusting it seems tothe civilized world. We for one don't wish to judge your awful littlesecret. The band now forms tolerance for bestiality and plays "In theMidnight Hour" [midnight hour]Please rise as the band now plays Columbia College's alma mater, SansSouci.[sans souci, time permitting]Good Night, Hanover.