1996-11-16 - Cornell

PRE-GAME

Ladies and Gentlemen, and Cornell students, back despite that strange itching sensation, The Most Rash Band in the World, The Columbia University Marching Hotheads.

[fanfare]

J. Kira Gardner, Up all night studying
J. Lloyd Allen, Up all night sleeping
and J. Justin Shubow, Up all night....

[fanfare]

welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, multicultural, eelemosynary...yet still iconoclastic, Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field...where we're sure that Lions will leave a Big Red stain on the field, the level of play will be as high as the temperature, and the game will be as close as the world championship match.

[Who Owns]

Recently it seems Columbia's new University Chaplain, Jewnell Davis, has decided to increase campus unity by staging a series of dinners where two groups of disparate views get together and talk about things. The band couldn't resist, and so here are a few dinner parties we think could forward campus. . . unity.



The band now forms a dinner party and plays, in honor of religious unity, "Superstar"

[get down with that funky Lloyd Webber]

Please rise as the Band performs our National Anthem.

[Band forms Lines and Plays Banner. RUN AWAY]

HALFTIME

Ladies and Gentlemen, and the Big Red {pause for a beat}, back despite the passing of California's Proposition 215, the Columbia University Marching Medical Use of Marijuana.

[fanfare]

J. Random Cornell Student - Drunk
J. Random Cornell Student #2 - Drunker
and J. Random Cornell Student #3 - "splat"

[fanfare]

Presents an all-star gala halftime salute to Cornell, alcohol, and children's television.

[March in to Who Owns New York?]

Recently it seems the liquor industry has decided to lift its decades long ban on television advertising. The band, always with that heady imagination of ours, wondered what hard liquor ads would look like. So we sent our crack SWAT team to find out just how liquor manufacturers are doing to appeal to those new television markets:

{ed Note: Stuff between the asterisks was cut for brevity}
***********************************
It's the bucoholic, uh, bucolic hills of Austria. A small man in lederhosen appears on the horizon, leaping about with a bottle in hand. In the foreground, a nun begins to sing to a small group of adoring children.

"Let's start at the very beginning
A very good place to start
When you read you being with {whole band says "A B C"}
When you drink you begin with
Rumplemintz, Rumplemintz, Rumplemintz"

The nun pulls a bottle out of her habit and offers it round.
A voiceover: "Rumplemintz. Soon to be available in juice boxes. Lederhosen not included".
***********************************

The camera swings through a miniature town, and as it reaches its destination, the logo "Mr. Cuervo's Neighborhood" appears on the screen. Scene change to the interior of the house. A mild-mannered man begins talking to the audience. "I've had a bad day. I'm going to let Mr. Cuervo take me to the land of Make-Believe, and then if that's not enough, I'll go beyond Make Believe to Someplace Else." He changes into a sweater and pours two shots of Jose Cuervo tequila, all the while singing "Won't you be my drinking buddy?". Suddenly the doorbell rings. "Oh," says the man, "Mr. McPheely often takes the tequila trolley with me. That's how he got his name!" He opens the door. "Speedy Delivery!" "Why, thank you, Mr. McPheely! Look what he brought me, kids. More tequila! So what do we say? (band says "Thank you Mr. McPheely!") That's right, Thank You Mr. McPheely!"

And if all this appeal to children doesn't work, imagine "Absolut Deluxe: The vodka with the grown-up taste." The band now forms Sweden's answer to the worst hamburger since the McLean and plays "I wanna be sedated"

[sedated]


When the band arrived this morning, we found a small tattered red journal that turned out, luckily enough for us, to be the diary of a Cornell bandie. We thought we'd share.

8:57 a.m. Woke up. Asked woman in bed what her name was. Wasn't girlfriend's name, which I wrote on my hand to remember. So I asked her to leave.
9:15 a.m. Got drunk. Beat up my neighbor.
9:47 a.m. Contemplated suicide for 30 minutes.
10:17 a.m. Saw sights of Ithaca.
10:19 a.m. Drank
10:20 a.m. Went to math class-Advanced Shape Recognition 101. Did trapezoids today. They sure are hard. Gosh that circle and hexagon look alike.
11:30 a.m. Stole corn from old man Jebediah's field.
11:45 a.m. Drank
12:00 p.m. Went to band practice for five hours. We formed a circle. Iwas a corner.
5:23 pm. Drank.
6:47 pm. I think the cow I tipped last week is stalking me.

The band now forms a trapezoid and plays " I hear you knocking, but I had a childhood phobia of cows"

[knocking]

Please rise as the Band performs our Alma Mater, "Sans Souci."

[Play Sans Souci]