1996-11-23 - Brown
Pregame
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Brown students, back despite the bitter cold, it's the Most Pantyhose-clad Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Drag Queens.
[Fanfare]
featuring
J. John O'Neill - Wearing a dress
J. Lloyd Allen - Wearing even less
and J. Justin Shubow - Damsel in distress
[fanfare]
Welcomes itself back to beautiful, bucolic, urbane, bilateral, multicultural, eleemosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field... where we're sure that the Baby Blue will grind the Dirt Brown into the. . .Astroturf, the score will be as high as... our own hemlines, and all will have a rip-roaring good time.
[Band "marches" in to Who Owns New York]
In the most inappropriate protest since the ethnic studies hunger strike, a man set himself on fire to protest the Miss World contest in Bangalore India. Though the man died screaming "Water, water", bystanders failed to attempt to extinguish him because they thought he was a wife throwing herself on her husband funeral pyre. The band now forms a funeral pyre and plays "Gimme Some Lovin'"
[gsl]
Please rise as the Band now performs our National Anthem.
[Banner]
Half-Time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and Texaco executives, back despite racial slurs, it's the most sensitive Band in the World, the Columbia University Marching Hostile Workplace.
[fanfare]
J. Fidel Castro - Meeting the Pope
J. Che Guevara - Dancing with Eva Peron
and J. Mahatma Ghandi - Having lunch with Ray Kroc?
[fanfare]
Presents an all-star halftime gala season finale, featuring news from that wacky world of ours.
[Band plays Who Owns New York]
Recently it seems the first Ku Klux Klan museum opened in, unsurprisingly, South Carolina. And like every museum, this one has a gift shop, called, "The Redneck Store". So of course we sent our crack elite SWAT team down to the deep South to check out the merchandise, and here's what they found.
- A T-shirt with the motto "It's a white thing. You just wouldn't get it"
- Texaco gas
- A wide selection of gift cards, including "Sorry to Hear you're Incarcerated" and the near-impossible to find "Happy Mother's Day, Sis"
- 1,001 Ways to Tie a Noose Knot
- Sheets with presewn eyeholes
- Jeff Foxworthy books
- Swastika stencils
- The Dictionary of Racial Epithets
- Lawn Jockeys
- A Calendar of Jewish Holidays, and How to Offend Best on Each One
- and finally Easy-Lite Duraflame crosses
The band now forms. . .um, racial sensitivity and plays "I hear you knocking, but you can't come in" for the 6547th consecutive time.
[knocking]
Recently it seems the troubled Biosphere 2 has been advertising in an attempt to get students to come live at the Biosphere site, despite the oxygen and food shortages within the dome. The band suggests to raise funds, they film these intrepid Columbians in "The Real World VI: Biosphere".
This is the true story {true story} of seven strangers picked to live in an ecologically self-sustained environment, gradually deprived of oxygen, to find out what happens when people stop being civilized and start going primal. The band now imagines a few episodes:
- "You're stashing air tanks, aren't you!"
- Flora uses the irrigation water to wash her hair.
- Dan's been hoarding the raddichio
- The parakeets are acting awfully funny, and the roommates trace it to a hotboxing in the air filter room
- Rachel opens a window.
- When it's revealed that Pedro has contracted scurvy, everyone is afraid at first but then learns to accept him for who he is.
- "Who used up all the fertilizer growing pot?"
- The roommates decide to make extra money by staging a Biosphere peep show for tourists.
- Joe wants to open a casino in the desert zone.
- "Who killed and ate my pet monkey!?!?"
- and Bob the Republican starts clearcutting.
The band now forms our very own Biosphere and plays "Wipeout"
[wipeout]
The Band would like to take this moment to honor its graduating seniors -- yes, some of us do graduate. And as always please, hold your applause 'til the end.
Luisa "I only had two on the way to Harvard" Cruz
Mark "Can O' Paint" Schlowsky
Kelvin "Absolute Zero GPA" Cabrera-Castellar
and, finally,
John "I'm not Jesus Christ, I'm a Leprechaun" O'Neill
Hey, good job, guys.
And now, please rise as the Band salutes seniors everywhere, and plays our Alma Mater, Sans Souci.
[Band plays Sans Souci]