1997-01-07 - Dartmouth
Pre-Game
Ladies and Gentlemen, and communist oppressors, back despite Jiang Zemin's US visit, it's the most dissenting band in the world, the Columbia University Marching "Remember When 'Free Tibet' was about Political Oppression and Not About Trendiness.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. Richard Gere - Old-School
J. Brad Pitt - New-School
and J. the Dalai Lama - Not a box-office draw
[fanfare]
welcomes itself back for the last time in a long time to beautiful, bucolic, bulimic, bilateral, urbane, multicultural, eleeomosynary, yet still iconoclastic Lawrence A. Wien Stadium at Baker Field, where we're sure the Lions will spill the blood of the Big Green like so much ichor of Aphrodite, the score will be as high as Apollo racing the chariot of the sun across the sky, and the band will play like Dionysus to bring you all to ecstatic revelry.
[who owns]
Last week a guilty verdict in the famed Massachusetts "Nanny Case" was reached, sending horror into the hearts of thousands of Upper East Siders as they realized they'd actually have to care for their children. In addition to the usual domestic questions of "Is Giles stealing the silverware?", "Is Fluffy's groomer giving her all three coats of fire engine red nail polish?" and of course "Is my doorman selling me really top-quality cocaine?" New York's elite now have to worry whether or not the help is killing a family member. Said one Park Avenue resident "This is the worst thing that happened since the co-op board let Woody and Soon-Yi into the building." Another remarked that this never would've happened "if the Republicans had been in the white house." First you can't trust your surfer-cum-actor house-guest, and now the nanny is offing the heirs. Where have you gone, Mrs. Garrett? This would never have happened if she hadn't moved to Facts of Life. The band now forms an East-Side Coop and plays one of our favorites.
[diff'rent strokes]
Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise as the Columbia University Marching Band now performs our National Anthem.
[form lines. play this. ]
Half-time
Ladies and Gentlemen, and unGentlemen, back despite paranoia, it's the most Newspeak band in the world, the Columbia University Marching Bugged Rolm Phone.
[fanfare]
featuring
J. George Orwell - Unliving
J. George Rupp - Unendowed
and J. Ruth Messinger - Unmayor
[fanfare]
presents an all-star gala halftime show, and sends our seniors on their way to the real world. Maybe.
[who owns]
Earlier this fortnight, the National Basketball Association hired its first two female referees, sparking debate among players, coaches and fans alike. Dennis Rodman took time out of his busy crack-smoking schedule to give his usual incoherent statements, but the real offense came when everybody's favorite black Republican Charles Barkley offended a whole new set of people when he criticized the referees for stepping out of their place, which he identified as "behind their man," digging for himself the biggest hole in sports since everybody's favorite American Nazi Marge Schott opened her mouth. One of the new referees said that she was for equal-opportunity hatred: "Question not my gender, but instead my sight, my frontal lobotomy, and my inability to satisfy a woman." The band now salutes these brave if foolhardy women by forming a pair of basketballs and playing "I hear you knocking, but I'm too busy demonstrating why they call it a 'foul'"
[knocking]
A recent Justice Department release reported findings that despite politicians' recent clamorings for the glory associated with a lower crime rate, the homicide rate in America had decreased because crack has become unfashionable. Never one to let the facts stand in the way of a good gloat, our recently reelected fuhrer, oops, I mean mayor, Rudy Giuliani, in an effort to take the credit for a decreased murder rate, took time from his busy crack-smoking schedule to say that crack was in fact still fashionable. "You can buy crack just blocks from Gracie Mansion." When asked about the apparent inconsistencies between the Justice Department's findings and his assertions, Giuliani responded "Have you tried the crack? The crack's real good." Ruth Messinger, Giuliani's erstwhile opponent, shot back that crack was dreadfully unhip, and that she and all her friends had moved on to GHB and Special K ages ago. The band now forms a crack pipe and plays "Smells like Sour Grapes, and we don't mean Chardonnay"
[smells]
This being our last home game of the season, the band would like to take this opportunity to bid a fond farewell to our graduating seniors. And, as always, please hold you applause to the end.
{Ed- everyone's quotes were made up on the morning of the game, and unfortunately, i only remember Lloyd's}
Renee " " Paradis
Alec " " Mitchell
and Lloyd "Ubercow" Allen
Please rise as the marching band plays the Columbia College Alma Mater Sans Souci."
[Sun Suzy]